An Open Talk About My Depression


So just a heads up before I start this video, for those of you that are looking for something uplifting and chipper, this is not that video today. May I recommend our cat cafe video or perhaps our visit to the Sailor Moon cafe? So as some of you already know, I suffer from chronic pain, but what I haven’t told you guys is that I also suffer from chronic depression. So normally, I don’t talk a lot about my illness, because I like to use humor to cope with it; it’s kinda my thing that I like to do. But lately, I’ve read a lot of emails and comments from people who are also suffering from chronic pain and depression. And while it makes me super happy to hear that my videos can motivate and inspire people I also realized I’ve never really shared with you how I cope with my depression. Since you are only able to see videos that I choose to put out, you only see videos of me being happy and frolicking at like a maid cafe, and eating wonderful, gourmet sushi, and visiting the Sailor Moon cafe and I seem like this super happy person. That super happy person is me. But there are also days that are miserable, and crappy, and I never document them on camera and share them with you, because I think that they would make you feel just miserable. But on the other hand, I don’t want to paint an inaccurate or unattainable way of living with chronic pain or depression. So what I want to do today is open up to you guys and talk to you very honestly about how I handle my depression. Whaaaat? Depression? How can Martina be depressed? Look at her hair – it’s like a unicorn. Look at my outfit; it’s totally made for a five year old, but I was like I can fit into this, and I’m really happy that I can, because it makes me feel happy to wear lion-shaped clothing, and I think everyone should have lion-shaped clothing in their life. So first of all, for those of you that don’t know, I was actually born with an incurable, genetic disorder known as EDS. Essentially, I was born with a defect in my collagen, and collagen is really important to keeping your entire body together. Because I have a defect in collagen, my body likes to fall apart. So things dislocate, and fall out of socket. I’m kind of like a Transformer. Transformers like can, you know, dislocate and turn into cars and trucks and stuff. But I just like to transform into like a world of pain. There’s that humor. So in my personal situation, my chronic pain basically wrecks havoc both on my body, physically – so like a dislocated shoulder will actually hurt, but it also creates a problem with the hormones inside my body that are trying to cope with this pain and the feeling. And this is something that everyone can relate to. You don’t have to have chronic pain to understand what I’m saying. If you’ve ever had like a toothache or like if you’ve broken a bone, you’ll notice that, you’re not yourself. You’re not exactly the happiest person on the entire planet, and everybody deals with pain differently. Some people are super cranky, irritable, awful, mean people. Other people are just withdrawn, like they’re not themselves, and they’re not talkative. We all have different ways of dealing with pain. The difference is that if you break your arm or you have a toothache, eventually, it will be fixed, and you will stop feeling that pain. But in my case, I can never be fixed. There will be no end to my pain. There is no cure for EDS, so I will always be in pain. And my mood, and my mental state will always be affected by this pain. Forever. This never-ending pain cycle can make it really easy for people with chronic illnesses to become really mean, nasty, snippy people. And I really – you know, like I can’t blame them for this, because this exhausted body of never-ending pain will lead you to like really dark days of total depression and utter hopelessness. Like I just can’t believe that I’m never gonna be cured. I can’t believe that I’m getting worse. I look in the mirror, and I think, is this really my life? Is this really – I’m not reading a book or watching a movie? This is actually me who will deal with this forever and is only gonna get worse. And you just feel utterly despondent and hopeless. I throw a lot of pity parties for myself. But I’d like to say I think this is the biggest turn out I have ever had for a pity party, because whatever happy day you were having, I’m pretty sure that’s over with now that you’ve seen this part of the video. But I brought you guys to this pity party for a reason, because I wanna show you what I do to help myself on these really, really low days. And the reason I say help is because there was a time in my life when I gave up, and I let the depression completely wash over me. And I fell into the darkest possible pit. And I… I attempted suicide. And it didn’t work. And it was definitely the lowest part of my life. But I felt like If I was willing to end it all, if I was willing to just not live anymore, then I had a stupid thought. Like, why didn’t I ever get a tattoo? Why didn’t I dye my hair pink? Why didn’t I take that exchange to Japan? Why didn’t I do all these things in my life? And So then, slowly, I started to do things again. I did really small things. I started to build these small things that created like a ladder that helped pull me out of this really low, depressed pit. And with each accomplishment, and with each goal, and each tiny adventure, I slowly started to add rungs to this ladder. And I started to see meaning in life again. And a lot of these things, at first, were really small, simple things, like maybe going on the internet and learning how to knit. And then the next thing I do is go out to actually get thread – and that’s a big step. And then from there, I start to join forums and look things up online, and the next thing I know, I’m going to a cafe, and I’m meeting real people and having conversations with them and, and – All these little, tiny goals were just taking me out a little bit further away from this total pit of complete hopelessness. So eventually, I kind of came to my life mantra, which is Why not do all the things you wanna do? I mean if you’re willing to end it all, then… why not do everything you want to do? That makes no sense. You – there’s no consequence. You’re gonna end it, so you might as well do everything you wanna do. So that’s kind of worked its way into my life, currently, in my now mind state in life, which is why am I gonna sit around and feel miserable and be in huge amounts of pain, when I could be dancing at a live show and watching an amazing DJ? Yes, the next two days after that, I’m gonna feel more pain than I would have felt if I stayed home. But I still would have felt pain if I had just stayed at home. I, I still would have been sad, and I still would’ve dealt with chronic depression. The difference is that when I’m 90, I’m not gonna look back and say, “Oh my, that time when I watched Netflix and cried all day, cuddling my stuffed toy pig was a highlight of my life!” What I’m gonna say is, “Oh man, remember that show I went to with Simon and Dan in Tokyo? When we saw that DJ, and I danced like a maniac, and I wore my LED light-up shoes? And then the next day, I just like couldn’t walk?” But I was able to have this kind of adventure and this memory, and that memory and adventure adds another rung to my ladder, and that pulls me a little bit further out of that pit on those days that I’m feeling super depressed. Just last weekend, we flew to Ehime, which is a part of Japan, and I climbed all these multiple hills, and sat squished in a van for hours. And all of this wrecked havoc on my knees, and my shoulders, and my bodies, but I got to eat an orange straight off of a tree, and it was starting to rain, and we were on a mountainside, and I surrounded by these chefs, and as the rain was falling on my face, and I was eating this orange, it was the best tasting orange I’ve ever had in my entire life. It was such an incredible and simple moment for me to just pull an orange from a tree and eat it, but it was just a magical experience. And after I returned from this trip, the next two days were awful, because airplane travel, and car travel, and sleeping in a hotel that isn’t your bed, and pillow’s hard, walking, and climbing All of this made it so that Simon actually had to physically lift me off the floor of our own house, because my body like gave out. It was like, “You’re not standing today.” And Simon was like, “Okay! I’ve been working out so I can pick you up.” And he was able to pick me up, and I felt really miserable, and it was really tough – but now I have these incredible memories, and these incredible memories help me push forward. When I was on the ground and I felt miserable, did I say to myself, “Ugh, I shouldn’t have climbed that orange tree and had that amazing orange that will now define every orange you eat for the rest of your life? I should’ve stayed home, and just stayed in the house and watched TV.” No! I was able to say to myself, “I don’t regret it.” I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret climbing that hill and eating that orange, ’cause it was such a great memory. And I never would’ve had that if I didn’t… You know? So this kind of pushing through is extremely important. So some of you might argue – and this is my doctor’s standpoint – If I didn’t go out at all, I wouldn’t have as much pain, so I shouldn’t go out. And my doctor has actually told me that I absolutely should not be climbing orange groves, and I shouldn’t be surfing in Hawaii, and I shouldn’t leave the house, and I shouldn’t exercise. He’s told me that I should go to a swimming pool, and I should walk in it. I can’t even – I literally can’t even swim. I was like, “Oh, I can go swimming!” And he’s like, “You should just walk in the pool.” If I did that, and I listened to all him, and I listened to all the people that told me not to go out, I would still be in chronic pain, and I would still be in depression. It wouldn’t change it. But all these adventures I go on and all these things that I push myself to do, have become fuel to push me to get out of depression on those shit days. So when I was younger, depression had full control over me, and I almost lost to it. But now that I’m older, I realize that depression will always be part of my life. But I’ve learned different ways to add rungs to my ladders and to climb away from the bottom. And while I know I will probably never get out of this pit, one thing I do know is that I’m never going back down again. While I don’t have control over my pain or my depression, what I’m trying to have control over is how I respond to both of them. So I totally understand if you ignore my invitation to my next pity party. This was a pretty bad party. Didn’t even have canapés, there was like no music. It got weird there for a bit. There was some crying – sorry about that. Totally sucked. I hope that with this video, those of you that are suffering from depression – whether it be from a chronic pain or chronic illness, or whether it be from an outside force that’s wrecking havoc on your life, I hope that this video can give you some tools or some strength to get a handle on your depression. And I’d like to say that I’m sorry we haven’t been putting out as many videos as we first did. When we first started vlogging and putting out videos back in Korea, I had a lot more energy, and the pain wasn’t as intense, and as I get older, it’s really just getting worse, so our videos are getting shorter amount of release dates, ’cause of all the crying and all the pity parties, so I’m sorry about that. But I do love seeing all your comments on the videos that we do put out. You guys still give me strength to keep going and making videos. And then I give you strength, and then you give me strength, and it’s this amazing cycle of wonderful positivity in the Nasty community. So let’s get some positive comments started and give each other some support so that we can start all building our own ladder. #buildaladder Hashtags… do they still work? People still do hashtags? Is that a thing? I don’t know. I’m not hip and cool and with it. With the kids. Ow, I really hurt my elbow doing that – for real. Where’s my pig? I’m wearing pajamas from waist down – you just can’t see it. This was a hard video, guys. I cried; I’m sorry. I cried on camera. I feel so embarrassed. I feel so embarrassed that I cried that I’m gonna cry again. I’m sorry I’m doing this; give me a hug. Internet hug.

About the author

Comments

  1. The way you perceive life is admirable! It could even be a blessing in disguise when it can make you cherish every good moments you spend with Simon 🙂

  2. マルチナさん
    ネットハグしました🙂

    無理しないで体調と上手く付き合ってくださいね💐

    日本での生活はノンビリと
    緩く過ごして下さい。
    美味しい食べ物を食べて気分転換もいいですね。

    頑張りすぎです
    まずは無理はしないでね
    これからも応援します。

  3. This video helped me with my outlook on everything that is happening in life and trying to better deal with troubles even when they’re getting worse.

  4. Thank you for sharing with us Martina. This type of depression is something I have been dealing with for a while now myself, and it has been getting worse for me as of late. I deal with severe chronic pain on a daily basis. And sometimes I have no idea what I would do if I hadn't found you guys here on YouTube. Very thankful for you two. <3

  5. I've been struggling with depression at a university in Japan for a while and thinking about drop out. But you guys encourage me a lot by sharing this video and gave me the idea of building a ladder. I'm not gonna try to do all things perfectly and frustrated, but to make little goals and try to climb the ladder. Love you guys

  6. Martina, thank you so much. I know this is an old video, but lately I've been feeling down, not like myself; I'm not in pain I'm just emotionally overwhelmed by events in my life and it's been going on for more than 7 years (Haha I like masking humor too because it's easier to laugh than cry). It's so incredibly nice to sit across from someone and have them say "It's ok to start small, it's ok to build this small little step because it will bring you higher. It's ok to do something you want to do, even as small as buying thread." I love your channel and I love the wholeness of you and Simon, I sincerely hope I find my own Simon who will pick me up, literally and figuratively. Just thank you so much.

  7. I m so sorry for you. Yes I have depression too. I always think it is because of my life. To hear that someone who seems to have it all has depression is really sad. I hope you can life through that. Martina you are doing the best you can in your situation. You can be proud of yourself. You do more and experience more then totally healthy people.

  8. I am an avid #MentalHealthAwareness advocate and performer, and I love this so much. I travel the country trying to bring that awareness on stages, in classrooms, hospitals, and on my YouTube channel, so I get excited when I see other advocates. 💙❤

  9. Thank you for giving me your courage. I hope that the happy time in the long fight will be deeper and more brilliant.
    I will give you the words I like.

    Only the rough ocean can nurture the best sailor

  10. I have been lucky because I got ill at 35 years old and before that I have been travelling a lot and having fun. Now I am nearly 50 and to me it doesn't worth to push myself and then get sicker for days after. I have done with that, I accepted my condition and my full time job now is not make my condition worse and I try to do only things that I enjoy but I don't have to pay for them later. I have a very sedentary life, but having a muscolar disorder it is not uncommon not being able to go out do much.

  11. Damn girl! This hurts! I have ptsd, depression, fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease, arthritis, scoliosis, anxiety, chronic migraines. Gotta find happy too.

  12. I’m not sure you will see this comment as it has been a year since you posted this video but I want to say thank you for sharing your story and the idea of building a ladder. A few years ago I was diagnosed with a stress disorder where when I feel stressed out I have seizures. It’s been really hard to get through day to day wondering if I’m going to have an event but watching your videos helps me to relax and smile. I’m even thinking of traveling to Japan with some friends next year which is huge because we all know traveling can be stressful but I’ve got great support and I don’t want to miss out on this experience. Thank you for making your videos and I hope you are having a good day.

  13. こんな難病マルティナ絶対大変だと思う…だけど前向きに行きてる姿本当に尊敬する。そしてサイモンも、すごい人だと分かった!

  14. Funny how you come across videos like this one,when your in a dark pit..make that a VERY DARK pit💔. I’am so freaking scared of my mind,and yes sadly I’am suicidal. I even asked my dr to have me admitted to the hospital. He said to wait and told me that I’am strong and try to get through this. I even think about getting an Uber driver to take me to a bridge. Or just walking to a 4 way and sit and wait for a vehicle to plow into me hard enough to kill me. I feel REALLY guilty and ashamed but my dr reminded me not to be ashamed. I keep telling myself that don’t be ashamed for being in a VERY dark pit. And it’s ok to say I can’t do this anymore help me I have to tell myself that all the TIME! I want to kill myself but I’am to weak to do so. I get jelly when I read or hear that someone was successful with their suicide attempt, it scares me beyond belief💔.

    Thank you for sharing this! I appreciate it! I am proud of you for uploading this even though it was hard for ya😊

  15. As someone who also has chronic depression and anxiety, and knows that I'll never be cured, I feel where you're coming from. I honestly needed this video, it was so helpful to listen to your story and thank you for posting this. Also yes, your lion shirt is AWESOME

  16. I begun to think a great deal of negative things until the depression that I experienced became worst. But now w ith this depression therapy “fetching kafon press” (Google it) I can fully focus my energy and .
    ideas into a definitive line on how to make my entire life better continually. I`m pleased and savoring several social activities..

  17. I do not have depression, but I have some friends that do (and sometimes told me about it – in variying detail).
    I really like your "build a ladder" formula… I have known some people that can't find the strength to start it or have a bipolar mental desease and can't deal with it (this is not really comparing to your situation, but only to illustrate what insights I got into the topic of depression).
    So I really admire your strength to get up and do stuff and create happy moments for your repertoire – so you can pull them out and dwell on them when times are hard again. That's so good!
    I wish you much strength and happyness – such as you (and simon) give us in your usual videos. You two really matter to a lot of people and are a source of information, happyness, cute moments and emotions – and that's great! Thanks. 🙂

  18. Gosh I don’t know why I only comment on your old videos.. but please never apologize for crying or talking about things u have to deal with. You are a beautiful amazing person, and I know we all just feel thankful and honored that you would open up to us so that other people who have to deal with things like this, can feel less alone. So they can feel that they are not the only one. So thank you. Thank you for trusting us enough to do that, and for being an amazing example of what someone can still be even with chronic pain. You are amazing. And don’t worry. I too just keep gaining weight b/c I can’t work out and love food. I think a lot of us are on the same boat. You are still beautiful 🙂

  19. I watch this every time I can't get out of that pit and it gives me the strength and inspiration to add a rung to my ladder.

  20. Martina, I don't know if you will see this, but you have no idea how much of an impact this video and your How I Deal with Chronic Pain video have had on my life. I was following your channel before I was diagnosed with a couple chronic illnesses and depression and I turned to you to learn how to be brave in the face of such constant, unending pain. If I ever feel like the pain is too much or I am in the middle of a terrible pity party or overwhelmed with stress because my chronic illnesses keep me from keeping up with work, I watch these videos to push myself through. You always remind me to stop and look around. Like your recent cheesey insta post said, "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

  21. I have been a dealing with health problems and just found out I have borderline personality disorder ad that I might have endometriosis and I feel depressed all the time and I feel like my boyfriend isn't happy or care anymore. He grew up differently then me and he has a get over it phase, I just want him to be like Simon and he isn't and I know I can't change him but he is my ducky or Teddy and I just need help for him to keep going an for me to too

  22. I’m dealing with round 4 of my adjustment post deployment depression. It’s one of those days when I want to watch sad but inspiring videos. Thank you again, for sharing your heart to others

  23. I love you guys… I love what you do… I love what you’re giving… I love the values you guys teach me… I’m basically nobody but a name in your vast list of commenters, but if you read this.
    Know that I’m very grateful of what you guys are doing.
    Keep on climbing the ladder, it’s not about the pain, it’s all about the love, and that is never taught anywhere.
    Virtual hugs (I swear I’ll treat you guys a Mega at Coco Curry if I ever meet you guys in person)

  24. Just found your channel, and wanted to let you know you are wonderful and adorable (::hugging you back::). As someone with a chronic condition (chronic long term Lyme & babesiosis which has led to a cascade of other shit), and now dealing with PTSD from a trauma several years ago, there are days when I feel like, WTF LIFE? REALLY? And if I try to talk about it and explain to someone why I vanish for days at a time, cue the tears, so I get you. (No, I'm not sniffling and wiping my eyes as I type this….) But I'm like you, tackle life when I can with a big goofy sense of humor about my broken human suit and LIVE as much as I can. I'm so glad you have this channel and your adventures to keep you going! And that you are so strong to talk about it and share with others. Sending you gentle, pain-free hugs.

  25. Chronic pain, mental illnesses and I live alone with no support. You should never have to apologise for needing to cry sometimes. Life can be very dark at times. I think it's wonderful that you have such a good supportive and loving husband.

  26. thank you so much for sharing. it's affirming and validating for us other folks out here with parallel experiences.

  27. I started watching your videos in the last 2 years and came across this video today. You are so strong! Thank you for sharing how you cope and dig your way out of the dark zone..what you've shared will help so many people. Big hugs<3 I think the both of you are amazing people! Relationship goals <3 xo

  28. I’ve seen this video before. I feel ya- I, too, have a chronic illness and some days I get the deep blues. Be good to you, all. Positive thoughts heading your way 🌈🎊🍭😂

  29. Depression had really got an iron-fisted hold on me and had done so during the last 3 years. I felt so low and insecure – I did not feel like a true man. By after using this depression treatment “fetching kafon press” (Google it) my life again is so vibrant which made me a more joyrful individual, perform exercise and lose 44lbs..

  30. Sending you (and Simon) a big internet hug! Thanks for being so real – you made me cry and laugh at the same time in this video. My respect for you just grew even more.

  31. Honestly, you're such a strong woman. But you know what? I love that you trust us enough to show us your "weak" parts, too. As someone who deals with depression every day, I just love how you explained everything. I have a suicide attempt under my belt… it's definitely nothing I am proud of but still it is something that made me.. well me.
    Kudos to you for that life mantra! Mine actually is: Live every day to the fullest… I know, I know, it may sound cliché but it helps me so much.
    Keep your head up girl and good on Simon for being such a wonderful man! xoxo Alex

  32. dang man i went on a crying tour… simons tattoo video, now this one, next up, the buildaladder video… love you both. hugs

  33. I know it is been a while since you posted this video… but life is made in a way that, sometimes, create awful days and maybe the day you are gonna see this comment is a depression day and it will help even a little to know there is someone touched by your story, that think about you and hope to cheers you on. You are great and you are brave and I really hope tomorrow will be better.

  34. To someone that suffers from chronic depression, this was not a sad video. It was relatable, and uplifting. Your depression and chronic pain does not define who you are. It’s just a side note of you. Keep doing you. You guys are awesome!

  35. I love you guys honesty and I hope all the good things and happyness can happen to you two, as much you guys bring to us. #buildaladder

  36. Best effing pity party I've ever been to. Chronic pain (Hashimoto's syndrome and fibro) and major depressive disorder here. I've been spiraling in the depression pretty hardcore the past 6 months or so and I think the way you put this hit home in a good way. Thank you so much for being so open and so vulnerable and so brave.

  37. You have no reason to apologise. Thank you for being brave and open to everyone who is dealing with chronic pain or a chronic disease (UC here), or with depression.

  38. Thank you for sharing. I’ve been struggling to admit I may be having a similar fight. I found you through my Japan travels and I can say you’ve honestly helped me. I’m trying to follow your lead and be more open about my internal state. I’m going to pull myself out of this and I’ll owe you and Simon a coffee the next time I’m in JP.

  39. You are an amazing human being. I don't find this depressing at all – I mean, it's more inspiring than depressing. I can relate. I have chronic pain in the form of arthritis which is in a lot of joints in my body. I've had 3 joint replacements -and though they have lessened my pain (thankfully!), I still have pain in those joints – especially if I try to do too much. I think your approach to life is so healthy and it makes sense to me to have those experiences, rather than sitting at home. I think your doctor is wrong. Good for you and I'm so glad you have Simon with you. You two are such a wonderful couple. You seem perfectly matched. 💞💪👏🏼 Keep on creating those memories.

  40. I’m glad I watched this video. I’m at a low part in life. Not the lowest, but it’s still hard. I’m glad you’re able to do all these things. I’ll never be able to.

  41. Thank you for sharing this video! It touched my heart. Crying and pity parties are all part of life, especially one dealing with chronic conditions. The key is to try to balance that side of things with things that make us feel good, even for a short time. As you outline so beautifully, the pain, depression, and other challenges are there, whether or not we try to add in some fun. I agree that sometimes paying the price of doing something not on the doctor's (or whoever's) list is SO worth it! Keep reaching for what makes you happy.

  42. OMG you just made have a revelation. This is different, this is great not just those cliché saying, but actual experience and perspective. Thank you and I will try to remember your words when I have thoughts of suicide

  43. I haven't watched this video in a long time, and just now I rewatched it. I'm having a very hard day mentally, and rewatching this gives me more ideas and hope that I'll get through this. Martina, I really wish you had a separate channel talking about your condition and your mental health, but as I've come to see in a lot of people who suffer chronically (like myself), talking about your condition tends to be very overwhelming and difficult.

    I just wanted to thank you again for making this video <3

  44. Been having one of these days. Keep wondering if the hole I'm in can get deeper. Husband says it will get better but I'm not so sure.

  45. Martina, I recently found your channel and have been watching your old videos. While I love the upbeat, positive energy that you and Simon bring to your videos on a regular basis, I cannot thank you enough for being real with your followers and sharing this sentiment with us. I can't imagine how difficult it was for you to shoot this particular video. But you are an inspiration and your story will hopefully help others having similar struggles! Thank you for being unique, beautiful, positive (even on the dark days) and most of all real!

  46. Sweet Martina, I know how difficult this video was for you to make. I suffer from chronic chemical depression, chronic pain, and I’m immunosuppressed, so I get sick a lot. But, I’ve dreamed of being able to travel the world since I was a teenager, and I’m finally doing it, and none of that is going to stop me until I’m physically unable (or run out of money). After almost every big trip, I get sick, and I’m sure it’s because I push myself more than I should, but at 59, I realize the importance of living my best life, and for me, that’s exploring the world and its people. Do whatever makes you happy!

  47. I had this mind set in high school when it came to depression. I was at the brink and said give it all before you give it up. And it was the happiest years of my life. After some hard events im back to square one. Im starting to find happiness again. Slowly. Buts its happening. Thankful for sharing your story.

  48. hey, I hope it's okay to write you. I am a very sensitive and empathic person and though of course I don't know how it is to have this kind of chronical physical pain I feel like I can feel your emotional pain. I have been in this dark pit too. I'm with you. Thanks for sharing.

  49. Girllll, watching this makes me feel nothing but motivated to do whatever the heck I have wanted to do in my life. Thank you so much and stay positive sisssss :))))

  50. I watched this video many times, every time brought me a new way of thinking. Although I don’t have such hard situation as Martina, I got strength from her, thank you sweet girl.

  51. I survive chronic pain everydays remembering this video a chronic pain fighter friend sent to me.

  52. This video helped me. I have chronic pain. I have degenerative bone and disc disease and have two fused vertebrae in my neck and deal with pain every day. Some days are overwhelming some days just a lingering pain. I also suffer from ptsd. Some days I really struggle but I always watch videos or listen to music and it helps

  53. I hope Eds cure gets discovered
    I know how you feel, I have been having really bad days for the past few weeks because of my medical condition related to digestion that I have been dealing with for the past 4 years and I had also lost hope, but you have inspired me and lifted my soul.

  54. I keep showing up late to these videos, but I'm so very glad that I find them. First of all, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Second, thank you for sharing this incredibly moving video, I know it was a tough one. Both I and my fiance struggled with depression in the past, he actually tried (and failed thank all the powers in the universe) while I simply came home from school every day and stared at my pill bottles contemplating what I would do if I didn't have three younger sisters who needed me, they absolutely saved my life. I was born with a chronic illness that has no cure and have developed both chronic joint pain and fibromyalgia. I definitely no longer remember what a day without pain feels like. Finding your videos, especially at the time that I did, when I was suffering a great deal of pain has really helped me and made me and my foodie self incredibly jealous and if I ever get my second kidney transplant I totally plan to travel to Japan. Thank you for your honesty, your laughter, and all the food porn.

  55. i learnt a similar mindset to this to help me with depression for the similar reasons, but the depression keeps coming back and thankyou for making a video like this which reminds me everytime it gets really bad that i can just do things to build that ladder and move forward <3 thankyou martina for being there

  56. My mom suffers from anxiety attacks at least 3x a week and it hurts me sooo much that I can’t help her with it. There is a pill called Ativan that helps her with it but she can’t take that anymore because of another medication she’s taking. Hurts me so much when I see her get those anxiety attacks 😢

  57. I have to say Martina, you and Simons videos are my instant go to when I’m feeling depressed, last night I had a big breakdown panic attack like I’ve never had before, and my mom and partner confronted me about dealing with my social anxiety and depression and I will admit I’m at the lowest point I’ve ever been in but they’re going to help me get help and find new meds and be happy. Your videos helped me calm down and fall asleep last night, I’ve been watching since I was a kid and I’m incredibly grateful. thank you for putting them out there. They remind me that I can go on adventures and get coffee at 7 am if I want to and if things aren’t going well at the moment then things will be okay in the future because there are good things out there. Like friends and a favorite coffee shop and people that just aren’t your friends yet. Thank you

  58. Rewatching this, and think about my sweet puppy that I lost over depression, I wish he could see this. I will try my best to enjoy my life and not lose over depression.

  59. I rewatch this video even after a few years to get some strength for my own battle. Thanks Martina. Thanks Simon.

  60. I love you soo much you have given me so much perspective and positivity in my life!!! Thank you for sharing your story and I will always support you!! Stay strong!!❤️❤️❤️😭😭

  61. thanks for posting this…I had seen the depression in your newer videos, but it wasn't confirmed until now. thanks for being brave.

  62. thank you so much for sharing!! your awesome I will do my part to start building a ladder. With my depression I just hid and did thing. but now that I met my husband he was taking the end part. it makes me sad. Seeing you and Simon really help thank you. i need to build ladders. =^_._^=

  63. Girl!! I’m crying with you. I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety my whole life and I can understand. Sometimes it takes me days to leave the house. I try to find crafts I love to do at home. I make homemade cards, knit hats, and read a really good book. I’m happy just to let my dogs outside in our backyard and let the sunshine on my face. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I’m hugging you back girlfriend!!

  64. Martina, I know this is a few years old now, but I just now watched it. I needed to hear the #buildaladder message again. My EDS is kicking my ass lately, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. Thanks for putting this out there.

  65. I dont suffer from cronic pain but I was recently diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (and you guys have cheered me up so many times). And I rly relate to the part where you feel like your watching a movie/reading a book. Youre such a huge inspiration #buildaladder

  66. Ive been suffering from migraine since I was eight. Most of my memories up ontil my early twenties is a blur of pain, fear, regret and the cold hard ground. I stopped going outside, never talked to anyone not even my siblings, parents didn't take my illness seriously cause they couldn't see it, and the meds the docs pumped into did more harm than if I did nothing at all. So I did nothing.

    I'm in my mid twenties now and have found ways to cope with my illness.(thank god for weed) I'm still alone, and learning how to come out my shell. But I'm glad to be alive.

    I don't know what to say to anyone dealing with chronic pain alone. Just know that life is worth living. Life is precious. Please don't end it.

  67. Watching this again because I'm mentally relapsing again. Need to remind myself to build that ladder. Grateful to say I haven't gone back to the very bottom this time but its still so hard.

  68. Martina, thank you for your honesty and for showing that everyone has their ups and downs. I just want to send many hugs to you ♡

  69. It’s always the small things that keep you going~ I’m so happy you’re trying to be strong and trying to be positive~!!! (*´꒳`*)

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