chase. top dysphoria

Hey guys, it’s Wednesdays with Chaseypoo and today we’re talking about top dysphoria. We’ve talked about bottom dysphoria, we’ve talked about voice and transition and all this stuff. But it’s a while that we haven’t talked about top dysphoria. So I actually was going to do my…my…. I just filmed another video and I was about to just… I took off my shirt and I was going to film the video. And I was like: “I can’t film my video on top dysphoria shirtless, ’cause that’s rude to people who have top dysphoria.” So I have a story for you, if you have never heard it before. Some of you might have. Ehm I am ehm… three years post-op top surgery, with Dr. Garramone. And I’ll show you near the end of the video, by the way. Just a little clickbait haha. Ehm I… In 2012 I decided to have top surgery, okay? I know, that was four years ago, not three. Calm your titties. Calm… oh my god, literally! Calm them. That was rude. Ehm in 2012 I decided to have top surgery, so I scheduled it for like July something. And I fundraised and I was excited and then I realised I’m doing this way too fucking quickly. This is too fast for me. I’m not ready for this. So I cancelled my top surgery and I saved my money for ehm whenever I was going to get top surgery. ‘Cause I knew it was going to be eventually. It wasn’t going to be now, but it was going to be soon. So I waited and, as horrible as it sounds, I’m really glad that I waited. Because something absolutely fucking horrible happened like five days before I was scheduled to have top surgery. Where it kind of would have not ruined the top surgery experience. But like I actually don’t think I would have been able to have top surgery. And that thing would have happened no matter what. So… like… I don’t know. It’s just kind of fucked up of me to like mention that. But I always think about that, like I…it yeah, whatever. I don’t want to get into it. It was like hard, but yeah. So anyways, I was actually in Florida too, when I was supposed to have to-… I was just hanging out with Zuzia and whatever their family. So ehm I decided…let me just wait. So the whole summer I spent binding. If you’ve ever been in Montreal during August, you would know how horrible it is. Now it’s actually August and the beginning of September are literally disgusting. When is fall? We don’t have fall anymore. It goes summer, then there’s like one week of like: “Is this fall?” And then it’s winter. Are you kidding me? Whatever. That’s what happened with summer too. It was winter winter winter winter and I was like: “Oh it’s nice, is it spring?” And then it was winter again after one day of spring. And then it was summer. And you’re just like: “What is this bullshit?” So anyways, after that and after ehm I think I went to Scotland in… for Christmas. No for… whatever in December. And then I was in Upstate New York for Christmas. And I guess that like… I don’t know. I guess that I just like realised that like I can’t live like this. Like I am glad that I waited. I am so glad that I waited, because I wasn’t ready. So instead I decided I had to schedule my top surgery for ehm May of 2013. Which is when I had surgery. And I always think I’m like some people would kill to have top surgery so quickly. And I had so much top dysphoria, but I wasn’t ready. And it’s okay to have top dysphoria and not be ready. And like I think it was just I was too connected to the feeling of my nips. And I was scared I was going to lose those, which I did. But… like the feeling of the nips. Ehm…. but I think after a while I realised this is actually worth it, because I can’t keep binding. I want to be able to go to the beach. I want to be able to be comfortable. I want to be able to breathe and do things again. Because having like the titty made me feel so constricted physically and emotionally. Because I wasn’t able to do anything. So it really hurt me, but when I actually scheduled my top surgery I didn’t feel like it was going to happen. Until it happened. And when I was there I was anxiety, but I am glad that I had top surgery when I did. I’m glad that I waited a year. It’s like me with hormones. I was on hormones for a year and then I went off for ten months. And I’m so glad that I did. I don’t regret that at all, because it made me realise: “This is who I actually am!” I put my toe in. I took it out, ’cause I was like: “Ooh, is this me?” And then I was like: “Fuck I need to put my whole body in, because I’m cold out here… … I need to go back in.” So I guess I just… I need to do that. That’s me, right? I need to like dip my toe in and then come out. And then be like: “Hmm.” Think about it a little bit, reflect. I do a lot of like self-therapy inside my head, ’cause I can’t afford therapy. So it’s like ehm: “Oh shall I do this? Is this logical? Is this rational? Da da da da da da da.” So I do a lot of thinking. Sometimes I’m too much in my head. But when I’m in that thinking mode, I do think a lot about like “I’m really glad that I went off of T.” I’m really glad that I waited a year until I had surgery. And that I’m really glad that I went back on T and stuff like that. Anyways that’s what I wanted to share. Because I know that some people really struggle with like: “I want top surgery, but I don’t have top dysphoria.” Or: “I have top dysphoria, but I don’t want top surgery.” So what do you do then? And I’m sure someone else will discuss that. How to like deal with top dysphoria without having top surgery. Because I’m really more like the surgical… that’s what I did. Ehm but other things that I did really was I binded. Please don’t bind with two binders. Ash used to do that with three binders. My old roomm-… oh my god people! Your ribs! I literally have gotten messages from people like: “Oh I binded. My binder was really tight… … I wore another one over it and now my two ribs are broken… … And I can’t bind for the next like I don’t know six weeks.” And I was like: “Oh my goodness!” So please let that story be like an example. Don’t bind if it’s too tight! You can do other things. I wasn’t like super flat in the beginning of binding. It’s just from binding for so many years that my chest became so flat, but I also knew what to wear. I wore a lot of button-ups. Or button-downs? Whatever. That had like patterns and checkers and stuff like that. So it kind of like gave you an illusion. Anyways so that was my experience, but I’ m sure someone else will discuss about that. But anyways that’s what I wanted to say. And have a great week. Love you. Bye! Oh i forgot to show you my chest, because that’s rude, but I’m sure you’ve seen it. Here it is. Ok, love you. Bye!

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