Comedy Central Re-Animated – Patton Oswalt – Creative Depression – Uncensored


(hypnotic flute music) (audience laughing) – My daughter has made my
depression way more creative. Because before my daughter,
my depression was just like hey, you know, everything
you do is going to end in annihilation and entropy
so what’s the point? I’m like shit, you’re right. You win again depression. (audience laughing loudly) But not I got this little
nugget of endorphins, I’m like I don’t give a shit, (cartoon baby punches) who cares, she’s cool. My depression’s like shit. I gotta find another way. So my depression has really
learned to pick its spots. Last time it got me, it was pretty clever, I’ll give it credit. (zips in) It was a Tuesday, like 11 in the morning, and I went to a grocery
store near my house, so just get that visual in your head. It’s a grocery store,
11:00 a.m. on a weekday. There’s like six other people in it. It’s basically empty. I just went in there
like, I’ll walk around, see if I need anything. Which, if you think about
it, is a very debauched Roman emperor way to go shopping, where you’re like, I’ll just walk up, line all of your goods
on parallel shelves. I shall walk by and review
them and see if anything catches my fancy. (wheels squeaking) Work harder for my
attention, hard pretzels, if you want to ride in my chariot. (hypnotic flute music) I end up in the frozen food aisle. I’m looking at a shelf of Lean Cuisines. So get that visual in your head. It’s a wall, it’s like the white box with the little orange corner, well it’s the orange
corner if you’re getting the Cafe Classics, and
it’s the green corner if you’re buying the Spa Favorites. There’s a Lean Cuisine
to fit every lifestyle, am I right, people? It’s a pretty fantastic product
when you think about it. I’m getting 25 thousand for this setup, so if you could just bear with me. Alright, so I’m just looking at ’em. Oh, thai noodles with peanut sauce, okay. Pasta primavera, meh. And as I’m looking at all
of them, Toto’s Africa started playing on the ambient music. I don’t know if it was the
combination of 11:00 a.m. on a Tuesday, Lean
Cuisines, Toto’s Africa. I have never felt more
peacefully, effortlessly, joyously suicidal, and it wasn’t even despair
or, if I had a gun right here, I would have just brought
it up, one smooth movement, just like oh, they have
French-crust pizza, du-du-du-du (gun cocks) (blood splatters) (audience laughing) (makes slow-mo effect) Like if someone had been
at the end of the aisle and seen it, and the cops
are like, what happened here? It’s like, he was looking
at these Lean Cuisines and then Toto’s Africa,
and the cop’s like, oh yeah, he killed himself, he’s fine. Yeah, he committed suicide. We know, he’s good, yeah. Oh, he died happy just throw
him on the loading dock, he’s okay. What check for a note? No, this is the note. All this, the frozen food and the yeah. He’s fine, trust me. Then something even sadder happened. I saw a Lean Cuisine I wanted. (angelic choral music) You should never stand in front
of a wall of Lean Cuisines and have this thought, Oh! That’s not good, but there it was. Mezzaluna Mushroom Ravioli, I want it. Take if off the shelf, I’m looking at the heating
instructions on the back. Move tray from carton. Cut a slit in the plastic to vent. Place it in the microwave
for two and a half minutes. Remove, peel back the plastic, spoon the sauce over the ravioli to coat. Replace the plastic, put
it back in for two and a, when I saw put it back in, I was like no. (groaning and shouting) What am I, Emeril? I just wanna eat. (groaning) (audience laughing) Then I spent what must have
been six minutes of my life looking at the backs
of other Lean Cuisines until I found one,
Glazed Chicken over Rice, which I did not want,
but the instructions were remove tray from box, don’t even cut a slit, this is 2013. Put in the microwave for five minutes. That’s it, there’s my dinner. That’s what I’m having for
dinner is lack of effort. That is what I’m going to
eat, a big steaming plate of lack of effort. (audience applauding) So that evolutionary track is done. If we started off as a species (tribal drums music) hunting food, trapping it,
killing it, rendering it, cooking and eating it. And that track led to me
taking a tray out of a box, putting it in a bigger box,
hitting a single number, and then going ♫ I’m gonna have glazed chicken and rice ♫ It’s gonna come out and taste so so nice ♫ I’m gonna put it on a plate ♫ Maybe eat it twice when I have my Ding, yay, okay we’re done. We are done, that’s right. Welcome to the finish line, humanity. (eerie music over factory puffing) (eerie theremin music)

About the author

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *