Dating & Relationship Experience of a Transgender Schizophrenic

Hi everyone! In this video I’d
thought I’d share my dating and relationship experience. The
first place to begin would be to say that I have never been in a
relationship, never been on a date, never been asked on one,
or asked someone out, or even been kissed. So, I am totally
100% inexperienced when it comes to relationships. People seem to
be intimidated by this and find it hard to believe. Why is
that? To clarify, I identify as female, and am attracted
to females. So, I am gay, a lesbian. Though I am also
asexual. I don’t experience sexual attraction, or have any
interest in it, despite the fact that I am attracted to
femininity. Specifically, I am demisexual, which is a term I
more recently came to know. It means that the individual only
feels sexual attraction once a strong emotional connection has
been formed. So, the more I get to know the person and
understand them for who they are, the more I may be attracted
to them. Though, I’ve found that no one has ever been interested
in me. No one has ever told me they liked me or genuinely found
me interesting. Only one person, outside the family, has said,
“I love you.” And, that was not genuine at all. Before
transitioning, I think a lot of this was because I hated myself.
When you don’t love yourself, how can you expect others to
love you and be loved by you? After my transition, I actually
loved myself, so I thought things could change. I was
optimistic about it. But, I find that the more I tell
someone about myself, the less interested they are. People
seem to be only interested in me because of my appearance, which
is a big insult. It’s nice to hear positive comments about
your appearance, but when that’s all people see because they
don’t seem to like you for who you are on the inside, that is
incredibly offensive. Anyone who begins a conversation about my
appearance may not be someone I would want to continue speaking
with. Though, I don’t know how to have proper conversations
with others. I’ve never learned proper communication skills. I
mean, this isn’t something they teach you in class, you learn
from socializing. And, when you are ostracized, not able
to learn those valuable communication skills,
people see you differently. My conversations with most people
seem to drop off. Partly because I come of as a creepy stalker
weirdo. I seem to have a great ability to truly
understand someone without much communication. I could be
talking with someone and pick up on things without them telling
me, and that freaks some people out. Like, “How did you know
that about me?” Or, “How do you know where I live?” But also,
people are like, “Oh, she’s a transgender lesbian Goth
bipolar multiple-personality schizophrenic.” Yeah, that’s a
lot, and I do come out with that all at once which freaks people
out. And, all those things I could be singled out for and
made fun. Which I have. People think it’s weird that I was born
a male and now live as a female, while men think they can change
my sexual orientation. Others tell me I dress in a strange
way, “Why does everything have to be black?” That I need to get
a grip on my emotions because they are out of control. Asking
me, “Which alter ego are you today?” While thinking I’m
crazy for being paranoid and delusional. Nobody seems to
understand, or is accepting to me in my entirety. And, I know I
sound very negative with saying this, but I don’t feel as though
there is someone than can truly accept me since it is just too
much for someone else to handle. I can’t imagine sharing my life
with someone. I just don’t see it happening. Plus, I am
incredibly selective with the people I choose to associate
with. We must be friends first for a long time before I
even consider a romantic relationship. On top of that,
I try to avoid friendships and relationships at all cost.
It’s not that I don’t want them, because I truly do, it’s just
that I don’t want to be hurt. If someone will not be in my
life for the rest of it, then I rather not get involved with
them at all because I would be devastated to lose them. I can’t
handle being rejected, so I just avoid it. I have very severe
trust and insecurity issues from all the lies and deceit I have
encountered. Though, I think if someone does manage to come into
my life, and I truly can trust them, I don’t think it will
be long before I become very paranoid and delusional.
Accusing them of going behind my back, lying, cheating, and doing
other things that would make me not want to be with them
anymore. So, all I know is being alone, no one being interested,
and being betrayed, deceived, and lied to. So naturally, by
default, I’m going to think the same of everyone I encounter.
Why would I think otherwise if everyone I have met up
’till this point in my life has treated me the same? I’ve never
felt loved or accepted, when that’s really all I want. I’ve
never felt like I belong or fit in anywhere, always
feeling like an outcast. Shortly after I truly began to
love and accept myself, I said, “Why not try an online dating
site?” Since I felt as though I was ready. Of course being
completely pessimistic about finding anyone even a tad bit
similar to me. I was terrified by the idea of joining a dating
site, but thought I needed to actually start communicating
with people. I joined a free dating site called OkCupid. I am
not going to pay to find friends and relationships since I don’t
feel a price should be put on such things. But, since it’s
free, there are going to be a lot of creeps and fakes, which I
encountered plenty of. So, you have to be very careful. Anyway,
I really like the site. How it works is you answers multiple
choice questions about yourself that other users create. These
can be anything, and some are really disgusting. There are
options for what you would answer, what you prefer a
partner to answer, and how important the question is. So,
for example, if a question asked if I would date a smoker, I
would answer ‘no,’ choose ‘no’ for my partner’s response,
and make the relevance ‘very important’ or ‘mandatory.’ If
you don’t care, you can choose both options for the partner’s
answer, which would make the question irrelevant. Depending
on how other people answer the questions will determine
the percentages. When someone answers the way you want, it
will raise the match percent. But, if they answer the
opposite, it increases the enemy percent. I ended up answering
several thousand questions on there because I really liked
it. Yeah, I’m a loser. But, I learned so much about myself by
answering questions. Despite how much I enjoyed it, a very
traumatic event took place on there that made me so incredibly
terrified that I couldn’t be on there anymore. I do plan on
discussing this tragic incident in my next video for anyone who
is interested. But anyway, I would like to share some
interesting, funny, and also disrespectful
messages with you all. I guess the first interesting
thing was, when I first joined, I apparently had a very
attractive photo of myself up because I got tons of views and
messages about my appearance. And, within the first two weeks,
I got an official message from OkCupid saying: “You are Hot! We just detected
that you’re now among the most attractive people on OkCupid. We
learned this from clicks to your profile and reactions to you in
Quickmatch and Quiver. Did you get a new haircut or something?
Well, it’s working! To celebrate, we’ve adjusted your
OkCupid experience: You’ll see more attractive people in your
match results. This won’t affect your match percentages, which
are still based purely on your answers and desired match’s
answers. But we’ll recommend more attractive people to you.
You’ll also appear more often to other attractive people. Sign
in to see your newly-shuffled matches. Have fun, and don’t
let this go to your head.” Oh gosh! That was interesting.
Shortly thereafter, I decided to change my profile picture and
the views significantly dropped. I later changed it again where
my hair was covering my face, and it dropped even lower.
Gosh, that goes to show just how interested people are in
appearances. Anyway, onto messages. Let’s start with ones
that were about my appearance, which were flattering, but eh.
First one was: You’re a cutie are you on fb? id like
to see more pics Yeah, I am on Facebook and
you’re not going to find it or see any pics. surprised to see someone like
you on here…figured someone woulda taken you a while
back…i need to find someone with your looks one day Other interesting messages were: Hey. I saw we were a match on
here. I was just wondering what you’re looking for. You want to know what I’m
looking for. I’ll tell you what I’m looking for, someone who
is not going to ask me what I’m looking for. That’s
what I am looking for. Another was: You know, one of the questions
that I loved reading was the one about falling in love with
someone you met just online. As crazy as it sounds, it has
happened to me before a few times. Your heart just feels
that love if you truly have a connection with someone. Have
you experienced that at all? Sorry. I know what
you’re getting at. Onto weird messages. Both of
these were guys who thought they could change my sexual
orientation. The first one which I unfortunately
deleted the message said: Can I hypnotize you
to be my slave? Ok, you wanna play games
now don’t you. So I was like: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH,
YESSSS!!!!! IF YOU THINK YOU CAN HYPNOTIZE A LESBIAN!!!!! He said something like: Sure, when would you
like to have it done. And, I was like: RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!! And he said something like: We can do it over the phone. And I didn’t say anything and
logged out. When I went back on a few hours later he
commented again saying: What happened? But, the funniest part was
that his account was banned. Another weird one was: sup bbygurl should def come
over tonight i have no planz i’m kamran [PHONE NUMBER]
idc if you’re a lesbian we’ll just keep
our play a secret I would love to display
his number on here, but I am resisting
the urge to do so. Lastly, it’s time for the
disrespectful messages. One wrote: I think we would get along well.
Do you like complex intellectual conversations about intricate
and contradictory emotions too? You don’t think I can tell
you are being sarcastic. I just played along and wrote: Hi, sure, I can’t say that I
have really discussed that particular thing, but it
sounds interesting! Let me know! The next was: good luck with your
pseudointellectualism and preconceived notions about
altered mental states lol Come on, why do you gotta be
so rude? Interesting story, I stalked her on Facebook way
before seeing her online. So, I responded: I see…I wasn’t going to
respond to this disrespectful message, but I see that you
are friends with one of mine on Facebook. So, I know
about you already…. I’m such a creep. So, that sums up my dating and
relationship experience. None. Thanks for watching!

About the author


  1. i feel that way and all i have is aspergers. people judge what they don't know about. they hear stories about people with illnesses but never get to know for themselves. sometimes even explaining can't make someone accept you but that's ok because it weeds out the weak and fake people. 🙂 also you are quite hot and you seem really smart. you will find someone 🙂

  2. You are a very introspective person, so I think you should apply your knowledge about the complexity of yourself to other people. People are complex, multifaceted, paranoid, delusional, and many other things. By directing your introspection toward society, you'll be able to attract people to your life, and also be more interested in them

  3. You seem a wonderful person. It appears I'm demisexual as well. Never knew what the right word was to describe it. Thanks for your videos…they help a lot for people who deal with the same issues. Thank you.

  4. BTW…To deal with PTSD, anxiety and depression you should check ASMR videos. Those videos saved my life. They can help you. Hugs!

  5. Hi! I don't know who you are but I love you, you are a great person, I'm not lesbian, I tell this because I have a friend with DID so I know how you feel right now.
    You will know a perfect person for you!! Because you deserve it! Don't worry and be happy ok? (:

  6. "Hi everyone, in this video I thought I would share my dating and relationship experiences!"
    "………I have never been in a relationship, never been on a date, never been asked out or asked someone out or even been kissed."

    "I do not experience sexual attraction or have any interest in it, despite the fact that I am attracted to femininity"

    hmmmm your sentences make 100% ZERO sense!

  7. Id admire how bold and open you are about yourself and put it on you tube for alll to see…..that takes guts. If people can't accept you fuck em…. You are fine the way you are. online dating is bullshit .Do what makes you happy. keep going miss your doing great.

  8. hi autumn this is so random im transgender woman and im attracted to men but theres this one time ive been attracted to a girl and i didnt feel weird about it. but still i cant say im lesbian.

  9. I like all of your personalities and relate to everything you've said in all the videos I've watched of you i'd very much like to be your friend :3

  10. well u are beautiful on the inside and out and u have to know that and never sell yourself short. i find it crazy that no one has tried to tell u that u are beautiful. i like dark colors too. the people are the weird ones not you. you be you and thats the most important thing. to many people judge but i dont do that. i accept everybody for who they are.

  11. woah i was so surprised your so interesting and kind and pretty wtf ive been watching your videos all day tbh😂you're so chill

  12. Inspiring!! Thank you for being so brave 😀 I've been watching a bunch of your videos and from my perpective you are working so hard to find your true self and own it!!!! I am very happy to have listened to you and heard your kind words 😀 Stay strong sister!!

  13. I am not a transgender and I understand this totally . This isn't a trangender thing this is just a life thing. You can't trust everyone and you certainly have to be cautious. I think thats all people see me for is my appearance. I think when you find the right person its beautiful magical and effortless ❤︎ Wish I was a lesbian myself maybe women wouldn't expect so much from me and trust me more Haha I think I may become a woman 🙂 Was out last week with a friend in a dress and makeup to a event and it seem like more women talked to me than when I am a man..crazy !

  14. I think its great that you are open about your preferences but I read your caption and couldn't help but think that people shouldn't worry so much about labels and just be able to love whoever they love. :3 (Hugs)

  15. Don't feel like an outcast. I'm the type of person who thinks that is banned to spend the rest of her life alone, not because I haven't had any partners because I currently have one, but because I have a strong personality. It seems that it is hard to really find someone that truly make you feel right, but it is doable. I know this is an old video, but simply try to keep an open mind about people. Trust me that not everyone is a jerk.

  16. Like not just physically beautiful, but like your intelligence..You're so open and you have a bright light about you..I dont know I just get a vibe from you that is very bright and good.

  17. You before watching your videos I was almost put off by your gothic style because I don't usually find gothic people interesting even though I find the style interesting…but as soon as I watched your videos I was hoocked! I think you're a very interesting person and wish I could say that I could handle someone like you but I probably wouldn't…
    Well I gess what I want to say is just that I appreciate your personality very much 🙂

  18. Hi Autumn, I posted on another video. Not only do we look similiar but your personality is just like mine! I get you! I am the same. Everything you said is my experience. If theres more like me or you, theres more like us.

  19. I am sorry if you are extremely attractive physically but you are truly attractive person…you might be beyond help like me.

  20. I don't know what to even say now without feeling like a total creep…I wouldn't even watch your videos or write you if I didn't like you. I feel guilty for thinking that you are physically attractive and I also think that you are just an attractive person in general…you seem very hard to please or get to know.

  21. I enjoyed this video, but why is it bad for someone to ask what you're into? How else do they get to know you? I thought that was the point. o.o

  22. You worry to much hun life is short Learn from a old Transsexual 59 8 years HRT 4 Years full time nothing is going to happen if you do not date you can find someone
    but you must be willing to try hun my not work at first but you can find someone it my take time but never give up

  23. Well no one can see past your gigantic black eyebrows and makeup. You scare everyone you look like a witch
    you have not accepted yourself. you wouldn't be doing this to yourself. Does your face look trustworthy?

  24. I get what you mean about a person beginning a person a conversation about your appearance. I discussed this with a male friend when tellling him how I hated when men used this to pick up women, and he said 'It may be all the person has to go on, when they just meet you, I could kind of see this. I guess it it kind of dating small talk and may be we shouldn't be so mistrustful of it. ' I was so sad to hear you say you come across as some kind of 'creepy stalker wierdo, ' they way you describe your sensitivity and intuition it sounds like you are definately an empath. With all you have been with it is hardly surprising. In time you will meet accepting people . You are a lovely person and it will come as will your confidence

  25. I have been single for over 5 years because I feel a lot like you do. I have not experience your difficulties, but still I dont fit into society. The reason I started watching your videos because TODAY I was thinking about ending myself. I have a real hard time letting things go. For some reason I feel the need to control many situations thet I know I can't. Thank you for being the voice who kept me alive. Do you feel better after making these videos? I doubt you will answer me, I will assume "yes".

  26. First, I'm MTFT and a fan of Blaire White, also. Beautiful woman: babies are more likely to smile at attractive people. There's this thing called the Fibonaci Sequence (the golden mean), a proportional system that makes up what we call beauty. As Blaire White said along these lines (I paraphrase): "It's something that goes off inside your head without any thinking". We love beautiful flowers, clothes, cars, etc. Sure looks aren't everything: my mother was beautiful, but with her meaness, etc, she might as well have been ugly!!! Autumn, what a beautiful name!!!: My beautiful Dena kitty died in April 2015, we had been together almost eighteen years (and I adopted her at two!!!). Autumn will be the name of my next kitty. Autumn, you've been through so much, which is why viewing this vlog (my second one), you come off being depressing, or maybe I should say depressed, even more than me (smile)!!! But the up side of this is that one has heightened creativity, having peered into the abyss; can be a significant source of help to those, emotionally hanging on for dear life.

  27. You are beautiful and an amazing person and I have a feeling if I wasn't an aromantic asexual I'd be attracted to you. You are extremely deep and intelligent. I love that in a person.

  28. I could but you are young and I know how hard it is to live as trans and bi poler any house your worst enemy but you could find someone.. good for you just be careful who you date hun Grand ma Roxy

  29. You're very similar to my sister. I sometimes wish I respected myself, and only had sexual attractions geared towards emotional connections. I'm kinda jealous lol.

  30. You have a beautiful heart – do not base your life on what other people think of you – base your life on being your authentic self – true friends come when you are your happy self – true friends accept you for you no matter what …

  31. Unfortunately I live far away from You, otherwise I would fight to get into your life, with lot of roses. I would fight against my fear to be refused by you, because It would be worthy anyway 😉 Your past and the issues it caused you would not put me down, because I can see your enormous beauty. Someone like me is what I wish You, but is not going to be easy to find another one! :)) Lot of Love

  32. but what do u expect by shallow ppl do u think they care how u feel its all self love , its a sad thing u didn't have good ppl in yr life that cared enough or had the balls 2 b honest with u , just don't let yr mind become taken over and destroy yr self ok

  33. Autumn_
    You have both grace and piety.
    I not only admire your honesty but your forthrightness.
    Anyone who has the time to be with you and understand your
    inner self will surely be with warded with a beautiful and wonderful relationship.
    Long may you live and prosper!!!

  34. Hi! I'm a new subscriber to your channel and I am enjoying your videos. You a have a great smile and very funny laugh(good thing)! First, I want to say that you WILL find someone and it will happen, but fear of rejection is very hard to deal with(feel you on that!) I promise I am not lecturing, but wanting to offer you insight. Waiting(for that person, the right one) is definitely worth it and during this time, learning and growing to love the 'You' you are now should be your focus and what makes YOU most happy(never apologize for wanting to be happy) Your style of dress, look and all those things fit you. There will always be those people who want to 'fix or change you' , some with good intentions and some who are self serving. Live your life for You and all the things that bring happiness to you and in turn, that is what you put out. Keep up the great videos, keep smiling and laughing!

  35. I've seen several of your vids, you seem like a beautiful lady who has a unique background..I'm sorry you cannot seem to find a special person to share your life with. I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart…🌹

  36. Trans is definitely a mental illness and it is usually accompanied by other mental illnesses I hope they one day find the cause of it and are able to figure out a treatment program which does not involve body mutilation.

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