– Hi, my dears. I’m sorry that I’ve been gone (laughs). Haven’t been gone that long. I’ve taken longer breaks
on YouTube in the past. So, I am going to do
something a little different than what I normally do on this channel, and that is to do a one take. And I’m just gonna talk. I want to be really open about the fact that I have
been in not a great place, and the fact that, throughout my life, I’ve been in not a great place (laughs), so this is not a new problem, but it’s a problem nonetheless. I was inspired because
two of my very favoritist, sweetest people on
YouTube, Heart and TomSka both made videos talking about their struggle with depression, and I was like, well, shit,
if this isn’t a sign (laughs), then I don’t know what’s a sign. I think that part of the
reason why it’s hard to talk about dealing with
depression is because a lot of people don’t really understand it. There’s a bunch of stigma, right? There’s also people think
you’re crazy or you’re a downer or they don’t know how to act around you or people you’re working
with, they’re like, “I don’t know if she’s OK to handle this. “I don’t know if she’s capable.” There’s a lot of different ways that people kind of freak out about it, so, for me, coming out and talking to all of you is talking to
everyone in my life as well. Hey, life people. And that’s significant for me. But I wanna tell you
because I think that we need to talk about this stuff more, and a lot of people kind of just struggle behind closed doors, including myself. So, I was diagnosed with
depression when I was 15, and it was probably the worst
depression I’ve ever been in. I’ve cycled through it. I’d say I’ve had about five or six depressive episodes that were pretty episode-y. They were episodes. I’m maybe coming out of one right now, and in that time,
basically what happens is, my entire being is drained of all joy of all joy and hope and happiness, and the feeling is sort of like,
you know like Harry Potter? The dementors, how they
suck people’s souls out, or whatever the hell? That’s kinda what it’s like. You literally do not
remember what it feels like to be happy. You just don’t remember that. I’m reaching down to my toes, trying to find joy (laughs) somewhere, and it’s fucking awful,
because it’s not there. If that goes on long enough, people, they, it can affect other parts of their life, and their relationships, their
jobs, school, everything. It can affect everything, and
it certainly affects your body in a physical way, as well. It’s not just all up here. OK, where do I wanna take this? When you go so long feeling so hollow inside, so empty, just real (groans), just real (groans). I don’t have words, I just have sounds. It goes on so long, and you
don’t have any intervention, and you don’t have people
to talk to about it. When you’re so isolated, because it really does
isolate you from other people. I lose my drive to keep
up with my friends, I’ve got fucking 35 unanswered
text messages on my phone. You know, like when you
go full asshole (laughs)? And you’re isolated and you’re alone and you’re feeling all these things, that’s where it can get dangerous. I’ve had two suicidal episodes in my life. I feel so strong for
having made it through it. People look at it like,
“Oh, you did that?” And it’s like, no, you don’t
understand, I’m fucking here. Do you see me? Hello! For me, the depression isn’t the weakness, and those feelings aren’t a
weakness, they are a strength. I want to end on a
positive note (exclaims). I’m doing better and I’m
taking the fuck care of myself, which is why I was gone for awhile. And I would strongly encourage you, if you deal with depression, which many of you who emailed me do, I feel you, baby. I’m there with you, and it’s shitty, but we’re gonna keep pushing through. I will not, like I said in my blog post, I will not tell you, hey, chin up! You got this, champ! Things get better! I don’t fucking know. Maybe it doesn’t get better right away. What I do know is that you
get stronger. I get stronger. I want everyone who
emailed me about this issue to talk to someone in
your life as well, please. Talk to a good friend
or a partner or a parent or really anyone that you trust. Do not keep this alone inside of yourself. It’s the worst thing,
because the isolation, the loneliness, the
dementor stuff, not good. You need to have another person
who can be there for you, and preferably multiple
peoples, and I think that one of those peoples (laughs)
should be a counselor. I go to therapy once,
sometimes twice a week. So healthy for me, so I
want you to be healthy too. I try to go outside, get some exercise. That’s the last thing I wanna do. Take a walk. I think walks are good. Get out of the house! Don’t be in the house
alone, OK, all the time. That’s not good. You’re not alone, and
we’re here. We’re out here. People are out here,
so let’s talk about it, let’s be more open about this. So, I think that I’ll be back soon. But thank you for all, just thank you. OK, I’m gonna stop talking
to this camera now.

About the author


  1. You are amazingly brave for sharing this so publicly. Than you for expressing what so many of us feel but are unable to explain.

  2. Please Laci gave me cancer. Im too poor to buy bleach to end it all. And my computer froze so the video wont stop. The cancer will spread to my brain, and then I will turn into her. Please end me.

  3. Do not appreciate all the nasty comments.
    I think this topic is really important, because depression affects so many people during different parts of their life. And some are battling it constantly, although society expects you to put a happy face on, because they do not want to know about your problems. Whats worse is when people bully you when you feel your worst. You have bad time enough from yourself as a depressed person, you do not need nastiness from others.
    Laci, you are great! I like your passion towards women equality, finding yourself as a person, bringing light of scientific knowledge to the society.

  4. i would like to ask how i can help someone with depression. See my gf has passed through some experiences in her life both past and present that have made her reach this point of depression that she lacks motivation along with other things. I have tried to help the best i can but its reaching the point were i cant help anymore. So i wondering if maybe you could help me out.

  5. It seems all of these left wing femenist types have suffered from 'depression.' Funny that isn't it? Are they all miserable or are they all bullshitters?

  6. Thank you. I never talk or text or chat but Thank you. You make it make sense. I have hated myself for so long…. But seeing you be yourself… well it makes me want to be my self too 🙂

  7. I get really depressed sometimes because my balls smell like dog shit mixed with sour croute me ex took one wiff and puked all over my dick

  8. The hardest thing I had to deal with was all the people who wanted me to be fine. They didn't want anything to be wrong with me because they didn't want to deal with it, like denying it stopped it from being real.

    If you straight up tell them what's wrong and they can't handle it, you can't un-know that and it changes how you see them. Someone you thought you could trust opted out of your biggest problem because they can't handle it. That's what made me stop talking about it to other people. Once I know that about someone, I lose most of my respect for them. I have a couple I do trust with this and that has been enough.

  9. This is so totally true. I have had bouts of depression many times. There have been times that I can't get out of bed except to go to the bathroom and eat whenever I have the appetite to do so.You can't see a reason to be happy. you may look back on happy moments but with contempt because you know better now. Being happy or finding any reason to be happy is impossible to find. I might smile on occasion but it is fleeting. I feel like I have a black hole attached to me sucking everything in and it is a constant struggle to keep from falling in. Suicide looks like a good option. The only thing that ever prevented me from going off the deep end was my love for my daughter, on one hand feeling she would be better off without me but holding fast to the thought that I could not abandon her by dying.
    If you are depressed or think you maybe depressed, see a doctor quick. Depression can be something that you may have for months or even life long. Everyone has periods of sadness and doubt, but they are temporary. Depression lingers, it saps everything good from your life if not controlled. Don't wait and see if you can just snap out of it. Try to find an anchor, someone you love and try to remember how much they love you and you love them and how sad they would be when your gone. Suicide may end your pain but spreads sadness and grief around to everyone who cares for you. No one is better off without you.

  10. Depression, I have a lot to say about it. I have been living with it for 60 years. I was 6 years old when I tried to take my life for the first time. Suicide never leaves, its as always in the back of your head. Just a simple thought or someone saying something triggers those bad memories. People can't understand why I have sudden shifts. ive tried counseling, depression drugs nothing seems to work. When I have have gone to counseling my internal defenses go up as if my mind automatically says im under attack. I lock down or go on defense. I survive by exercise now this is failing suicidal thoughts have now shifted into my running, jump off that bridge or jump in front of that car or just run into traffic. Yes I have survived this far but now im old I can see my life at its end. Can I control it, depends on thoughts and comments that trigger feelings.

  11. Affected moron. Privileged simpleton. Attention seeker. These are comments I would make to someone who claimed to have had 2 failed suicide attempts for effect. But you don't deserve comments like this Laci, because your comments are true. You'd even swear on the lives of your own family without hesitation. Because otherwise you'd be some real low-life wouldn't you ? You'd be the first to condemn yourself with a video, and we'd be right there with you. Luckily this doesn't have to happen.

  12. How do you get depressed when you have friends, a job, money, success, money, people who listen to you and even a relationship? Thats fucking bullshit. I have none of these things. You dont fucking know shit

  13. Some of these comments are just horrid. I do not think that people should be telling jokes when she is talking about something that is obviously very serious to her. if you want to help, you should at least know what NOT to do. and if you don't want to help, don't say anything.

  14. Guys she solved the equation if you are depressed you should make YouTube videos of your non conventional view points and be upset and sad when people don't agree and support you

  15. Then stop complaining bitch. All you do is rant on youtube to feed your desires. Not everyone has the same view point as you. Honestly the fact that you made this video was probably to get more attention. Wtf all of a sudden you're depressed? You didn't even give a fucking reason. Stop trying to look pitiful you fat ugly fuck. Yet again you whine like a bitch again in this useless fucking video. Man the fuck up

  16. Sigh, I've just read some of the comments below. Sorry for you, lacigreen, that you provoke so many hater comments. It shows, that the topics you talk about, or the way you do it, seems to be somehow important for a lot of people. Keep it up and don't get depressed because of those nasty comments.

  17. Wow the hate is real on your videos!! It's a testament to the work you do getting these "sensitive' topics out there and talking about them! You help a lot of people! Keep up the AMAZING WORK!!! <3

  18. wtf is with all this hate? what is wrong with you people? this is a kind hearted, open minded, beautiful young lady. and you completely ignored everything she said and just wrote nasty things. and you wonder what's wrong with the world. it's you if your tiny brain couldn't understand that. I question how you even function

  19. Thank you for talking about this so candidly, Laci. It's time for the stigma about mental health issues to start breaking down, because as Brene Brown said, shame and secrecy perpetuate problems, and I've seen personal confirmation of that in my own life.

  20. One of the hardest things I've been through is knowing I was happy and what makes me happy, but that was the past and I can't have it back and not knowing how to feel that way again

  21. I failed 5&6 grade all i did was sleep and say screw off i dont want to be here so just go now i am on meds so they should help

  22. This was a great video. I was depressed last year but like you said, I now feel so much stronger mentally. To anyone who is depressed, please remember that one day, it will be over, and you will be an even stronger human being! 🙂

  23. Can someone tell me why this woman does her hair up real nice, puts on makeup to look hot, wears nice clothes……but then doesn't shave her armpits or shave her pubes???? Please, I just wanna know 😂

  24. If you think "getting out of the house" can help cure mind crippling depression, then you've obviously never experienced mind crippling depression lol.

  25. I deal with depression but i am a white man so i guess it s what i deserve being all the nasty things that i have done to you

  26. @lacigreen that was very brave of you to share you're story with millions of people, I can totally identify with so much you said, although since I was depressed since I was 15, I also became an addict at 17 years old, eventually my depression wore down and I got 8 months sober, but now that I'm depressed again, I kept struggling but even though all I got is 24 days clean, I know that I need to work on my depression in order to stay in recovery.

  27. hahaha, this is the only video that has not beenrestricted by the restriction mode. So, 99.99% of her videos are not appropriate for children. I think I love the restriction mode.

  28. i made a similar video on growing up a poc and the lack of representation

  29. subscribed to you after seeing you on Sargon's video – – – Love you for that – – – forgiveness is powerful and right – – – I will watch your videos to educate me more about women because my daughter of 6 is the most important thing in my life

  30. Hey Laci,

    I am currently watching your live stream with Dave Rubin. I am not sure if you like or follow Wil Wheaton but I think the two of you should talk about your non-medicated treatment of your depression. Here is a link to his blog:

    It is awesome you found something that works for you and maybe this could help others including Wil.

    Thanks for your content please keep it up.

  31. I am not sure if i 100%really have depression but I am so fucking sure and YouTube or video games help me sometimes but I think I am doing better then like a month or 2 ago why the fuck am I still typing no one cares peace out

  32. I am with you girl.
    I had the same proble for years. This is what helped me the most:

  33. you dont know what depression really feels like if you go out and share that you are depresed you need to go get help and not brag that you are depresed

  34. I have been trying to push through this horrible nightmare for so long. I have noone to talk to. I am so alone and I have been for so long, Thank you for your courage and strength. YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THE STRENGTH I HAVE NEEDED TO TELL MY STORY! Depression, bullying, loneliness….such horrible, soul sucking, SERIOUS ISSUES FOR SO MANY UNHEARD VOICES! I wish I could take every victim of mental and emotional hopelessness and hold them to protect them from any more of the unbearable pain. I'm so done allowing this sickness to hold me as a prisoner in my own life! It ends today! It's time my voice reaches the people that my arms can't Thank you again angel. God Bless.

  35. Thanks for posting this. Even though it's a few years old I totally know how this feels as right now I'm in a depressive episode myself. It's good to see you're still doing fine. 🙂

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