DISSOCIATION // Derealization

see it stopped. help me keep me on track please
I’m begging you. today I’m gonna talk about something that is a really
sensitive topic for me and it is really hard to think about.
it’s dissociation. that’s one we’re gonna talk about for three years of my life
2012 to 2015 I was in a constant state of derealization so nothing felt real
for those three years at all. I wanted to talk about the things that I experienced
during derealization that aren’t exactly symptoms that are easy to find on the
internet or you really have to search for them. the first big thing I
experienced was distortions of time. so time would either go really fast or
really slow or both at the same time also just like the complete inability to
feel time was actually incredibly disorienting and scary. being stuck in a
moment for what feels like months or years which can be terrifying and
there’s no way to kind of get out of it sort of like Groundhog Day you wake up
and you’d be reliving the same day over and over and over again and nothing
would feel real and it all felt sort of like I was in a dream. and
imagination and dreams and reality and and thoughts or movies would all blend
together and I didn’t really understand what was happening. it was a mess. I
basically didn’t know which way was up from down. it feels like a long terrible
drug trip that never ends. and it’s you wake up and it’s still there and the
next day you wake up and it’s still there and two weeks later you wake up
and it’s still there you’re sort of like “when is this going to end?”
when “is this ever gonna end?” and “is this the rest of my life now?” did
I am like did I imagine my whole life before this I don’t know
so also something really weird that I experienced was time-traveling. I would
think about the past and instead of it just being a memory it was like a
flashback where it’s it’s like my whole mind was transferred I wasn’t here
anymore as transported back to that memory and when I was in that memory I I almost forgot that where I was was real
and I and I didn’t know if I’d imagined where I am now. so another thing I
experienced was acoustic and sound distortions like an example is I’d be in
a really small bathroom and I talked to a friend or something and it would sound
like like the sound didn’t match up to what I felt were the the real limits of
the area and that was really disorienting it also felt like like I
couldn’t hear through bone conduction. you know how when you hear yourself on
camera and you hear yourself in person it sounds radically different it’s
because when you hear a recording of yourself you’re not hearing your own
voice through bone conduction which is what you normally hear it through and so
every time I would hear my voice it would sound 2D it would sound flat like
it was a recording and I wasn’t really speaking everything in general felt 2D
so I was looking at a recording of a 3D world but what I was actually looking at
was 2D and everything just kind of felt flat and that just made me feel like I
was in a dreamlike like it wasn’t real and I would touch things different
fabrics and they would feel like I couldn’t feel them it was like I was
wearing gloves like a thin layer of like you know doctors gloves and like I could
I could feel the I could feel pressure but I couldn’t feel the like the fine
tune sort of senses. they were absent to me.
so another thing is synesthesia which I don’t usually experience and for most
people, or for a lot of people, it’s like a fairly neutral experience. but for me
it was quite disturbing so there were certain shades of pink that were
unbearable to look at like they just tripped me out it was like oh I don’t
know how to explain it was like looking at that color and I would just feel like
everything was fake. and another thing is cognitive distortions seeing the micro
and the macro at the same time so if you’re if you’re I don’t know at the
beach and I remember seeing the whole beach but I also remember seeing every
little grain of sand at the same time and I don’t know really how that’s
possible but just it’s like my brain was split in two and one of it was focusing
on on the micro and the other one was focusing on on the… did I already say macro? or
micro? I forget. another thing I experienced was seeing everything as
nothing. you know how your nose is always there and you can always see it but your
brain sort of deletes it. it was sort of like that but for everything. so it was
like if I was in a room and I wasn’t moving, after about two seconds it would
just…*waves hands*. I don’t know it’s so weird my brain was deleting the whole world
around me because it wasn’t changing. it wasn’t this like I always had to have
company with me or I always had to be moving or I had to be watching a movie
where things were changing otherwise my brain would just delete it. so another
thing that I experienced which I guess is like a cognitive distortion, not being
able to understand language or writing. the letters would move and I
I never in my life have previously experienced dyslexia, but I
think that this was like a like a dissociation induced dyslexia. where just
the letters would get bigger and smaller and and switch and move and just.. very
difficult to read anything or to make sense of any sort of language. especially
if it was someone I didn’t know very well. if they were talking to me it was
just like it was English but but in us just ever so slightly different
dialect and I couldn’t grasp what people were saying to me. also tunnel vision.
I could see here and then everything around it was completely blurry and like
the further it got away from the center the more it lost color, so it’s sort of
by the edges it would be sort of black and white. which is really weird?
I had no short-term memory. pretty unable to connect with my senses or
other people. smelling something I felt like I wasn’t really smelling it, if I
was touching something I felt like I wasn’t really touching it. the past and
the present and the future are all happening at the same time which is… a
lot. o also when I was alone it felt like I didn’t exist. everything was fake and I
was fake, it just it’s just the strangest feeling that I never thought I
would really feel. everything would either be fuzzy or blurry or look way
too HD like way to high-definition and sometimes at the same time which was so
strange. my brain’s ability to categorize things into into things.. was fucked. the two
scariest things for me about this whole thing one feeling like I’d be stuck in
this forever. I’d look online and people are like yeah
never goes away you just kind of get used to it. unacceptable. the other really big one is
was really really really really scared of going insane. I was completely losing
control over everything that I thought was real or new or new to be true
completely losing myself and losing touch with reality and losing touch with
my senses, which was happening. but it was really scary. I am no longer in a state
of permanent derealization or dissociation, I experienced it from time
to time. and it’s usually stress induced. I’m losing my voice. oh yeah I’m doing
the end of this video so thank God. I hope you found this helpful,
I hope that if you were experiencing this, it helps you feel like you’re less
alone. and that it takes away some of its power. because the big thing is that
it’s scary. because it’s a hard one. give me the cat! No oh he’s so uncomfortable.
he’s camera shy. this is my beautiful person Jude, who’s been helping me film
this whose help I whose help whose whose help is indispensable and I would not
have been able to do this without them.

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