dysphoria


So I’m gonna be honest right now because that’s
what I want this space to be, honest open discussion. Dysphoria has been kicking my
ass lately so… and it’s trash. Thanks for asking! Welcome -tongue pop- so before we
get into it, we’re not even going to be getting like that deep into it if we’re honest, but
i’m just gonna throw out a kind of like content trigger warning situation – I’m going to be
talking about body and gender dysphoria so if that’s not something you want to watch
or like listen to or whatever I get it, go ahead and click on a different video and like
have a nice day/night/whatever. Okay so something that I’ve noticed for me, is that my like
body and gender -dysphoria (in the tune of “Activia”)…haha I love yogurt- situation
is lowkey getting worse as my relationship to my body gets better. What? Like somehow
my dysphoria is getting worse while it’s also getting better?? Can someone like @me tell
me how that makes any sense? And like why is this what you’re up to? I’m not sure if
it’s like actually getting worse or maybe my perception of it just seems like it’s worse
because as a whole it’s gotten better? Kinda like how you never know how bad something
is until you’re no longer there, like you can’t grasp the entirety of the situation
until you’re in a different situation. I don’t know, so maybe it’s just the contrast but
jesus! Like one day I’ll feel amazing, not really dysphoric at all. I’m walking on the
sunshine -whoooaaaaa- and there’s iridescent glitter just like falling all around me and
the next day can be the complete opposite, or even later that day like a few minutes
later and it’s not even always in relation to something that happens or happened, it’s
just like my brain saying “ooh nah” So like something that I like to do and something
I’ve been doing is on the days that I’m not feeling that great, also on the days that
I am feeling great lately, I’ll get dressed and like push myself to put on a cute outfit
even just to wear around the house, because if we’re honest most days I don’t leave the
house. So like I could very easily just wear pajamas all day every single day. But like
I will just get myself to be out wearing something that I like and that generally makes me more
comfortable in my body to try and combat that kind of discomfort i’m feeling otherwise.
And I haven’t really talked about it a lot if any, about dysphoria online or just in
general because it’s like you know not a fun thing to deal with. But I do want to talk
about it for anyone out there that can relate and to open the space for sharing, and then
for those that don’t to maybe gain some sort of understanding if they’ve never experienced
it themselves maybe. So let’s have a little run down moment, if you don’t know what dysphoria
is it can be kind of hard to describe and explain to someone who hasn’t experienced
it or noticed that they experienced it or haven’t really dealt with it, or once you
do notice it all of the ways that it has affected you and your life. So like according to the
Merrium Webster dictionary dysphoria in general is defined as “a state of feeling very unhappy,
uneasy, or dissatisfied” but like at the end of the day, isn’t that all of us??? Wait does
that dictionary definition of dysphoria describe the entire state of the world? But there are
actually like different types of dysphoria, and i’m no expert by any means… in anything.
But one of them being gender dysphoria, which is what most trans people deal with. And that’s
defined as “a distressed state arising from the conflict between a person’s gender identity
and the sex the person has or was identified as having at birth.” So for most it’s kind
of like a disconnect between your body or aspects of your body and who you are and like
who the world perceives you to be. So gender dysphoria is basically disconnect between
the gender or sex you were assigned at birth and who you actually are, whether that’s within
the binary spectrum or not. And with that comes varying degrees of, like the definition,
distress or discomfort and all sorts of side effects like worsening of anxiety and depression,
frustration. It can effect your moods, your appetite, just like so many different aspects
of your day to day life. And for me sometimes it’s better, and sometimes it’s worse. It
really kind of changes all the time, and then there’s times when like you or others can
say or do something that can trigger your dysphoria, and it can be a lot if we’re honest.
That doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone, or that trans people are these fragile pitiful
creatures, but it can definitely be a lot to handle. Then there’s like dysphoria specifically
in relationship to your body (outside of gender)which is that distress or uneasiness with and in
your body that can be the result of beauty standards, body image issues, and just like
all sorts. To some extent I feel like everyone feels some level of dysphoria at some point
in there life, but in our very binary cis and heteronormative world, trans and gender
nonconforming people often experience dysphoria on the regular and then you add in other intersections
like race, and religion, (class), and size and stuff – and you’re now combatting all
of these different messages from both yourself and the external world and there is just stuff!
It’s also a trip to be able to see the connection between when dysphoria goes from just being
a constant nagging to WOW YOU ARE PRESENT RIGHT. NOW. And how that does affect things
like anxiety and depression, and your kind of tolerance level for irritability and whatever.
So I’ve been just like really kinda swimming through that. And then gaining the knowledge
and language for what you’ve been experiencing for so long, and seeing all of the things
you previously weren’t categorizing or even recognizing as dysphoria suddenly all piling
on top of you like a bookshelf falling off the wall. When you realize that oohh so much
of what I’ve been writing off for so long has just been dysphoria, it’s a mixture of
like relief- because suddenly now all of that makes sense and it can be filed away and you’re
like oh I understand this a lot more now. And then there’s this additional weight of
seeing how much you’ve been affected. Dysphoria is wild. Something that has always been a
problem for me, or at least since it’s development is body and facial hair, which is common.
It’s presence on my body just makes me so uncomfortable physically and mentally. And
I know that it’s natural, and when it comes to body hair and hair removal that everyone
has it and cis women and femmes can be hairy, but for me personally and on my person it
really takes a toll. So here I am spending hours and hours scraping razors up and down
my skin, and it’s just a time. It’s also weird how the things that cause dysphoria can change
over time, and also just day to day, moment to moment. I have some examples that I want
to make into like separate videos to kinda go into more detail, but for me there are
things that now cause dysphoria that never did before. And things that used to that don’t
bother me anymore. It’s wild, for for example I feel like there are so many parts of the
face that cause a lot of trans femme people discomfort, such as the jawline. And obviously
the perceptions of passing and these archetypes of cis women and what is deemed “feminine”
is a mess, but those perceptions and safety in passing is a part of our society and media
culture. So my jaw has been causing me some dysphoria as of late, which has been a trip
because the development of my jawline actually reduced my dysphoria before. So like I’ve
said before I’ve always been thick, and i have no issues with it I’m very cool with
it (now) hi. And I was a heavy child so as I got older I was really excited when my jawline
because a little bit more defined and sharper than it was previously. And that definitely
comes from clinging on to these beauty standards and thin ideals of what it is to be both a
“man” and a “woman” in our society. So when this jaw became more pronounced and I could
sharpen her up even more with some contouring I was set, I was excited that she was present
in photos. Like I was just very happy with the whole situation, and highlighting and
making sure it popped as much as it could, and that is jaw was present reduced some of
my dysphoria around my body. I was feeling more comfortable because of something as dumb
as my jaw, but lately it’s been causing the opposite effect. Which I know is silly because
it’s just a jaw, and even in terms of terms of femme passibility there are cis women out
here with stunning amazing sharp chiseled jawlines that are just like doing the damn
thing. But that doesn’t stop my brain, knowing and acknowledging that doesn’t make dysphoria
go away. And I don’t even have the sharpest jawline, like if I’m honest with myself she’s
good, she’s fine, honestly it’s whatever. But then dysphoria creeps up and is like – lol
you thought- we have this like brow ridge situation, which is honestly not a big deal.
I would prefer it if she was a little bit smoother but I can kind of counter act that
with like baking while I’m putting on my makeup, but sometimes it’ll still creep up and be
like – k but why is this a thing???- Then there’s social dysphoria where there are parts
and features that don’t necessarily make you uncomfortable with yourself, but the social
perception of those features does make you uncomfortable. So maybe you’re not actually
uncomfortable with say your jawline, but you are uncomfortable with other peoples discomfort
of your features that you might actually like. And that comes back to self reflection and
analysis of am I actually uncomfortable with this or am I uncomfortable with making you
uncomfortable? Which is a weird balancing act that depending on the day you might get
different answers. Brains are honestly such a mess, and this is another video really without
a conclusion because it’s ongoing for me, and to some extent with probably always be.
So hey, if you’re dealing with dysphoria in whatever aspect and whatever way you might
be dealing with it, you’re definitely not alone and I’d like the comment section under
this video to be a safe space where if you’d like you can share and have a nice supportive
and open discussion. You know just like digital hugs for everyone! So yeah um brains… who
needs em? I guess the U.S. government already figured out that they didn’t need em so…
I guess that means I can too! We come in peace! -harsh whisper- SUBSCRIBE for new videos whenever
they get posted, social media crap in the description k bye. Oh hey PS a lot has happened
in the world since the last time I made a video. Such as the #metoo movement, which
is amazing but we also can’t forget that it was started years ago by a black woman named
Tarana Burke. And no matter how mainstream and big of a movement it becomes we can’t
let it be co-opted and basically white wash the fact that it was started by a black woman
years ago, and it needs to be more than just a hashtag and we also need to listen and believe
and support everyone who comes forward and talks about their experiences. And we definitely
need to be focused on and worry about net neutrality, there’s a vote coming up on December
14th I believe, on net neutrality where basically these large corporations want to control what
we do and see on the internet. So if you’re here watching this youtube video and enjoy
doing anything on the internet you should go to battleforthenet.com and learn more about
what’s going on and what you can do about it. Cuz like yeah let’s not umm do this…
there is so much happening in the world constantly like could never fit it all here there’s a
l o t. So umm yeah with that uhhhhh k bye!

About the author

Comments

  1. Emotions are hard. Whatever the cause, or lacking in apparent cause, emotions can hold us hostage. That's without any other layers or triggers. Yah there's the whole "don't let society blah blah blah", but humans are group creatures. When your group, or society, isn't supportive or doesn't reflect who or what you are, it's incredible damaging. Keep sharing and talking, because it at least helps you focus and understand yourself if nothing else. Let's pray for net neutrality. They better be careful, people with riot.

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