Ellen’s Stressful Fly Problem


Have a seat, everybody. Sit down. People looking for seats again. People shift. Everyone moves over
when they clap. The wind of the
clapping moves them. One day I’m going
to remove a chair and watch you fight
for that last chair. Will be stressful for you,
but fun for me to watch. Speaking of stressful,
let me tell you something that happened
to me last night. I was having a fly problem. Not like a fly on my
pants on a zipper. The buzzing around
kind of fly that– and she was buzzing
around all night long. I was trying to sleep. By the way you see I did that? It’s she. Yeah. I made my housefly a she. I’m very progressive like that. The future is female
and so is the housefly. Now I’ve said this before, but
I don’t know why– we named them house flies. And maybe if we’d
named them outdoor flies they would know where
they’re supposed to be. But they feel entitled to be in
because we gave them that name. I don’t know why they want
to be in our house so bad. It really is ridiculous. It’s me and Portia
and our seven animals and an open jar of honey and a
compost pile of banana peels. And that– and for some reason
they want to be in the house. Anyway, I wanted to get
this fly out of the house because it was in the house. And I didn’t want
to hurt it, though. So I said Portia, kill the fly. And she didn’t want
to hurt it either. And long story short,
we live with a fly now. It’s a rescue fly. So we tried to shoo it
out, and that never works. They buzz around, they
stay at the window, and then when you go
to open the window, they go the other direction
to see the rest of the house. Like I haven’t seen
the bathroom yet. Like you know. And as soon as you’re
trying to get that one out, two others came in, and
then you started thinking, you know who I wish is here now? Is that spider I
killed last week. That did know what to do. The cats sometimes
would kill something, but our cats are lazy. And they know they’re rich
they’re just sitting around. Normally when there’s a
fly in the house what I do is I sell the house, and I
just sell it and buy a new one, and I get the money
from the new owner and then I run around away
going, see ya, suckers. There’s a fly in the house. But I like this house, so I’m
not– this is my forever house. And I call it that something
to keep it for four more weeks. And fortunately all of you,
there’s no flies in here at all. There’s toxic mold
that keeps them away.

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Comments

  1. When you are early and looking for funny comments
    Btw props to all the guys who make those stunning comment you make my life better :).

  2. I love you Ellen I always watch your show. Hope one day I can. Be In your studio……. Live…. Watching from Kuwait. ❤️

  3. Let us not forget that Ellen is an asset of the Bushes and has done just as much evil as George W Bush. F%^* Ellen.

  4. We have a dachshund, and when flys come to close he snaps at them and on occasion manages to catch and eat them eww I know but I guess they prob shouldn’t annoy him

  5. I’m not saying to be mean anything I’m just curious but stuff like no I just don’t want to lay with her rubbing anything in his food like if I do that and I just feel like who I am now goes oh OK anything really it’s about being on people makes you happy but we on for my mother is for a job but I do you want for me but we again but this year I just route but my father but he did not be there for me he never show me nothing but my mother did she been there for me

  6. I wanted to comment this on the other video that teenager work with rotisserie phone, but ComMeNtS WheRe DisABleD. So here is is: ok boomer

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