FIGHTING DEPRESSION (ZACH GONZALES)


Vulnerable feeling like in a second place. You just want to hide Smoke and mirrors Just want to keep my foot on it’s nobody could see me Just want to sit alone in the dark room in the corner of our room and hide and not come out Feeling alone Holding on to this secret nighttime is become my cape. You don’t want to come out in the daytime Just living a lie feels like my name is jackin solace and I struggle with depression You I’m a dealing with depression, you know saw the teenager, but it’s something I’ve never told anybody this It’s been a sea grab and holding in What’s my life nobody really knows My coaches don’t really know Some of my best friends don’t really know. It’s just been a secret. I’ve been afraid to tell people Cuz I was afraid how they would look at me I’ve it’s been a battle. I’ve been dealing with since I was 18 It’s really tough to talk about like I’ll never I’ve never told anybody But lately it’s been on my mind a lot, you know Tuesday, I was in a really dark place I noticed myself lately Not wanting to come out the house You know not want to be seen by anybody You know people see me around a lot of times. I just put my hood on it like that. I just Not feeling comfortable in my own skin I just want to stay in my room and Chill in the corner and not not be seen by anybody You know, I’ll be at dinner with my friends be at lunch you know a paint in paint and Bryce will be sitting there and I I’ll just Want to not be there I want to cry It’s like inside I’m screaming but I can’t let it out can’t tell nobody You know I’ll talk to somebody and I’ll just You know wanna hug and want to cry to them and But you can is hard you know being in such a masculine Area, you know men’s basketball It’s hard to show emotion and you can’t believe anybody how you really feel it gets tough it could be our egos or or But it’s hard to talk about So it’s a secret been pulling in for a very long time that you know, I want to let out You know depression is a serious thing and I think we’ve all been affected by somebody or no, sorry, it’s been affected by depression You know, I have this huge weight on me in this, you know smokey in my back I just wanna let out, you know, I’m Zack assaults I struggle with depression you know It’s a mental illness that I’m working on and I want to voice it and be honest You know because I don’t wanna be I don’t want to take pills and be sedated and try to you know to be happy you Know there’s a quote. You know, I follow I do a lot of research you know lately trying to learn about mental health and trying to Learn more about it and there’s a quote in Kevin love’s interview He says, you know only by admitting who we are we get what we want and that one really struck home with me. I Feel I can live in a lie, you know people see The shoes they see, you know, the oh the basketball and it’s all great. Like I really appreciate it I’m not I’m not you know I’m just really grateful for all that But I have this empty feeling inside I have this Sick to my stomach. I can’t eat. I don’t be seen just This way I just want to voice it, you know admit Who I am You know, I’m Zack is also I struggle with depression And I don’t know where I think that stem back from I was a little kid You know things that affect me as a young adult But this is something I just I want to admit and talk about and Come forward and this is very vulnerable for me. This is hard to talk about But I feel like something inside me tell me this this needs to be done and I have to be honest I’ve cried so many days. I still say and cry every day you ever go to practice and I think nothing’s nothing’s wrong and The secrets killing me. I just want to be honest about it and say What’s really going on you know, I want to feel free You know, but I have this battle in my head constantly This battle every day And it’s tough. It really is tough and I Just You know, I battle these you know demons about all these bad thoughts these dark thoughts all the time You know and I I’ve came to realize it’s gonna be a battle. I’m gonna Face probably my whole life But it’s bad I’m not gonna let win and You know, I look up always like, you know, Robin Williams anything weird and I look up you know And just like man, you see these guys so successful so much money, you know, it gives you all these cool things, you know but they’re not happy and you know with You know this whole Instagram You know, it’s all smoke and mirrors this whole, you know, real life first Instagram That’s you know Really big to me cuz real life is important and I feel like we should be more open about who we are What we go through like I said before people see the shoes I have you know, the people I get to hang around with the things I could do I get to travel, you know, the Oh, like it’s all great, you know, but I’ll be real about Who I am and Hopefully it helps somebody You know this Coming here to talk and say this is definitely when the hardest things I’ve done. I feel very vulnerable In general, I just feel sick to my stomach. I still have an 8 it’s been Four days. I think I’ve had ice coffee. I just can’t eat something cuz I’m just sick to my stomach. You know, it’s daytime You know and it’s like I just want to be naughty can’t wait for the night to come when I wake up you know, I See my eye every time I’ve woken up lately. It’s just been Thank you for another day. But it’s also like damn I gotta go out there and face. I Gonna show my face. I got it and it’s been super tough You know it really feels you know, like a sunken place like, you know You’re in depression for me feels like a sunken place feels like And the grand scheme of things I know There will be brighter days Because I walk into that arena every day and I look up and I see that oh, and I’m like, thank you Thank you God. Thank you. I love to be here But I know that but I’m in this funk and in the second place where I Don’t see the brighter days right now. Like I I See, but I know we’ll be there eventually, but I don’t it’s not there like I’m over this cloud This is this dark cloud. It’s just over me But It’s hard to talk about it’s hard to you know, I I’m there’s people there for me But I feel alone and I shouldn’t feel that way And it’s this it just feels I Don’t know depression is one of the hardest things to explain is one, you know Wait, I did I can’t come up with the perfect words how to explain how I feel It’s it’s many thoughts I have all these words were in down on this piece of paper cuz my thoughts are all over the place, you know, and it’s They don’t make sense, you know like that feeling, you know, like I’m alone, but I’m not alone I know I have good people in my corner But I still feel so alone, you know You know, I’ll push people away. I will talk, you know, I’ll hide myself in my room you know, I’m in my room, you know, I’m sitting in the corner In the dark try to put the covers on my hand. I just don’t want to come out and just don’t want it, you know And it it’s tough it is it’s really tough I’ll go to arena like dad people up. You know, I try to you know But it’s It’s tough. Well not when only I know what I’m battling inside That’s why I want to come out and set myself free and be honest You know I have this I struggle with this depression This anxiety this my heart just keeps bumping through my chest you know And I know I dunno I’m blessed, you know Oregon basketball, you know My family, you know But it’s just dark feeling feeling, you know depression isn’t a joke, you know, a depression isn’t You know Something take lightly. I mean if you love someone, you know Let them know you love them you Know if it’s not you dealing with it. Trust me. There’s somebody close to you dealing with some some form of depression and You know, I hope we reach out more, you know, I hope this video Cause you to reach out to someone and ask you know, how are you doing? You know and really try to be there for him You know because it will go a long way and the reason I’m making this, you know, the reason I’m here speaking right now is to Open myself up, you know, I’m already vulnerable already You know Feels rock bottom in a way like how much tour can you go like, you know, it’s it’s a battle But I’m gonna fight it, you know, I made a promise to myself You know, I’m gonna fight this battle I’m not gonna let it win And You know, it’s don’t don’t be fooled by social media You know, it’s all you know, smoke and mirrors like run your own race, you know Yeah, it’s real life real life Real life for his Instagram. That’s my big thing. I like to say, it’s just it’s important to me Love it. Love is very important. I Will beat this It’ll be about all face my whole life, but I’ll beat this. I feel like I’m hiding a secret as if I’m living a lie Going every day Jim Work and just acting fine, but also I Don’t want to put this burden on anybody else and honestly a Big thing in my life. Most of my life. I felt like a burden on people. I You know, I still do feel like a burden I try to be as low meanest as I can and not ask anybody for anything And so that really gets in my head, you know, I never want to bother anybody I never want to you know upset anybody In most of my life. I felt like a burden in people’s lives and You know, it’s been hard for me to talk about it to open up about You know, I know there’s there’s people that love me but just this dark sunken place that I’m trying to get out of and every day. It’s about every day on a wake-up. It’s a battle And I’m fighting it You know My five cried so many tears, you know, I’ve sat in the car Tuesday morning drove to the other side of Eugene and just cried and Do I want to be here? Do I want to continue to fight this battle? Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel not good enough not worthy it’s that feeling that just like why like Just god what am I doing? Like like, you know, I Just haven’t cried for hour hour and a half just cried in the car This just is a battle It’s just just battle ax up here up here No This one is I literally just want to shout it out in the – the secret That’s why I me that’s why we’re doing this video. I Struggle with depression. I have dark thoughts I’m not gonna let it win. I’m gonna fight this I Think he did a good job not crying and cry so much this week. I don’t know how many tears I have left Yeah, I just know Somebody out there a little depression and I just hope I’ve just seen as you reach out to them and tell him we love him and tell him that they’re worthy. I Don’t wear something. It will go a long way. Trust me It will go just a long way I’ve had many of those days and I feeling worried not feeling just feeling like I was nothing Yeah Don’t want to cry on camera You gotta be yourself you got a man Says only by admitting who we are we get what we want. I want to be free. I want to be happy Yes, I think it’s a lot of what I wrote it’s a lot of my money at least Yeah, what you think BJ? Now if you go right now why should I feel like I let you know a lot of stuff out, you know yeah, I feel like You know, I can’t go too dark with the I just wanting at the point like, you know, there’s depression out there, you know like like, you know, I’ve seen my therapist and talking to friends and trying to you know What yeah There’s so much Dark stuff that on camera. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t say but I’m working at it and I’m working at home with my ass off every day to fight this That’s the I Write a lot. I ride I write I have a book. Kobo books. I write my thoughts my goals Just my dreams It’s right. You know, I’ve I’m Pete I people watch all the time it’s like I was sitting Starbucks cross street from the arena and I’ll just write and even if You know, I’m lost which I’m lost right now life, you know, I’ll see All right question marks, you know, I just I sit like it’s just whatever’s on my mind just put on the paper, you know It’s so writing for me this past week has helped You know, it’s hard to reach out and ask for help, but I’m gonna fight this you know, so I’ve You know this for the first time I like, you know, I’m battling this for you know, eight years I’ve reached out to Close friends and told him honestly, what’s cool and Trying to fight this battle and trying to Triathlon let it win and not let the devil win That’s what this feels like just battling the demons every day just fighting the demons Yeah There’s so much more you can do you can reach out you can go to a therapist you can you know call somebody but let it out don’t kill hold it in because I’ve held this in for eight years, and it’s I’ve been unhappy for so long that nobody knows And it’s not healthy just weighs you down. I mean, I just I’ve just broken down Hit rock-bottom. Mentally it is it’s not healthy. It’s not it’s not. Oh, it’s not a good thing Let it out, I know it’s hard to talk to someone But if you can force yourself push yourself to talk And just tell somebody like hey, I need to talk. I just need you to listen, you know, no judgement Just listen It goes a long way it will help You know Because I have so many thoughts. I just want to let out and talk about Just what something no judgment. No judgments on and Yeah That’s what I think Yeah, so I feel My story can help someone and Maybe save their life I’ve been close to taking my life a couple times. It’s a dark place and it’s not a good place to be And I just don’t want nobody else to experience that So if I could help one person if we could help one person You know I said like you said seven people see this video But it helps one person Great, like, you know, I just want you to know wherever you are out there. You’re not alone. I Struggle with this too It’s a battle I’ll be dealing with every day but When I’m gonna battle it, I’m gonna fight I’m gonna beat it and I want you to do it too You’re not alone. If a bi out there is have a feeling of swimming away wherever You know has had the same thoughts or anything like you can reach out to me, you know, you’re not alone. We’re in this together You know, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone Like you’re worthy you’re enough And I’m trying to learn that about myself You

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Comments

  1. Thank you everyone for watching! If you or anyone you know is going through depression please reach out. We have some links and numbers you can call in the description as well. Have a blessed day! #DNAFAM

  2. I hate when mfs respond to men saying they got depression as being a p*ssy, or to “man-up”. Every f*cking man in this world has emotions, they have a mind. And with that, struggles like depression can occur. We ain’t robots at the end of the day, some emotionless machines society wants to make us out to be. Depression can happen to anyone.

  3. Thanks for this bro. He explained my experience almost exactly. It’s crazy. Depression ain’t NO JOKE and material things don’t mean shit if you ain’t right up here 🧠.

  4. Awesome Awesome Awesome very real situation that many people deal with. I really thank you for sharing your struggle with us thanks much love and respect to you always

  5. Thank you for sharing your story 🙏 This is a very powerful video and your life is worth living. I appreciate your openness to discuss what you’re going through. Praying for you and I know this video will help other people 🙏

  6. Thank you for sharing your true self ♥️ this is a tuff subject in this messed up world we live in and it’s messed up and sad that we can’t share this without being looked down on for sharing 🙏🏼

  7. Yo, I haven’t talked to you in for ever, i pray for you and I hope you’re living good homie. I know we only met like tons of years ago and we both grown now, but I’m praying for you homie, we cousins and we needs to talk more n be fam, you can always hit me up, I got my own struggles and I be dealing with depression too, I would drown my shit in these drugs but I got off a lot of the things I was abusing. I made it through this cloud that was chillen over me all day, and even tho life fucking with me and shit Ima still stay up and live a strong life, and I know you got that shit, I know you can over come this you’ll get through this pain. Stay safe cuzzo, hit my line if you trying to talk my Instagram is @t3moky. 🙏🏻 love life and live good man. 💙

  8. You with the Just Do It hoodie, I dont know your name… you better beat it man, because you wasn't always this way, and things can go back to the way they were before absolute depression. Remember, be as strong as you can and hold on for the day you make that recovery, and look for help with the people around you. You can never be a burden, thats all in your head and part of the sickness. Dont let it win. Helping others should help you feel better at least a little.

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