I Am Too Depressive? (2016)


Hello, so it’s come to my attention that recently
I’ve been posting a few videos that are quite down: I’m sad, I’m talking about bad stuff
and to be honest, there’s been a few things that I have held back on. There’s been even
more upsetting stuff I’ve not posted. Erm. And although there is tonnes of support on
here, the comments are incredible, errr…. I can’t help but notice that there’s a huge
chunk of people that are focusing on the fact that I am down… and that I’m constantly
down. But the thing is, there’s two different things
going on here, you’ve got depression, and you’ve got the Trichotillomania down times
and this channel tends to focus more on Trichotillomania… and for those of you that experience Trichotillomania…
it’s down a lot of the time. There’s so much bad stuff with Trichotillomania… you spend
so much of your life being upset and in pain. Ughhh. It annoys me cause I’ve covered this, exactly
what I’m saying before… I’ve got a video here about happy moments and how they count…
but how they are less frequent and their harder to notice until they’ve gone… This video
here, please have a look. It sort of disappeared under the radar this one. I was so proud of
this one and I just wish more people would see it. Yeah, have a look. So yeah, the fact that Trich is upsetting,
means that lots of the content is upsetting. I said in my very first video on here that:
“I have to warn you in advance, that this channel is not gonna be your typical happy
YouTuber. It’s gonna cover all sides of Trichotillomania. There’s gonna be happy videos, depressive
videos”. Although there’s times where I sit in front
of my camera and I choose subject matters or I present myself a bit better, or script
(right now I’m off script, there’s nothing in front of me)… I don’t like dressing up
Trich and pretending it’s something that it isn’t. I like being realistic and real about
my own disorder. If I’m having a bad time with my Trich, I’m
going to say I’m having a bad time. I’m not going to pretend that things are great because
it makes other people feel better…. because no, I want to be real… and sometimes that’s
painful. That hurts me sometimes. I shouldn’t have to apologise but I find myself
apologising anyway, but yeah – I’m sorry if my videos are quite down. Somethink occurred to me recently that I hadn’t
even thought of, the fact that some people think that my Trich channel is the only channel
I have. They’re completely unaware that I have any other content online (on Beckie0).
So for them, seeing my TrichJournal is… very sad and dark. There’s more to me than
Trich, I will say that throughout my life. Trich does not define me, Trich is not the
only thing in my life that upsets me or controls me or just… afjlamsfam. I’m losing my words a little bit. I am more
than my Trich. But yeah, if you didn’t know – I have a personal
channel called Beckie0 and if you click this box here – it will take you to that magical
land of rainbows and happiness….. *noise in background*. Neighbours, I’m so sorry. On a side note, you probably can’t tell as
my hair is in big mode, I had a hair cut this week. Erm, you notice it more at the back.
I’m missing a big chunk at the back, she cut it up high to help which does help…. erm,
but yeah she took an inch off the sides. Personally, I think, I just want to get past SITC and
then…. I look like Elvis… she did a great job, I’m not happy with my hair at the moment
from a Trich perspective. I’ve lost tonnes. But yeah, this is my hair cut hair. Okay,
so that’s probably all the stuff I can think of this evening. I’ll see you soon everyone.
Gosh that was deep. Bye everyone.

About the author

Comments

  1. beckie, putting aside everything else in this video for a moment, I am SO SO happy that your haircut went well. I know you've been saying you needed one for quite some time now so I'm happy you had a good experience <3

  2. I find this channel the better one because of its sometimes raw honesty. This is the side of things people often don't talk about, yet it's the thing that is us. Us are important, especially in a world that gets ever more superficial. If you keep posting, I'll keep watching, and if it helps, know that I find you incredible.

  3. REBECCA <3 I have trich and I love your content on TrichJournal. I like that you portray trich realistically and its much more comforting knowing that there is someone I can relate to, even if they are not physically present in my day-to-day life. You are inspirational to me because you choose to share your trich reality. Never stop doing you– you're fantastic. I appreciate you!

  4. Never stop being real, there's not enough YouTubers that are, and I find it cool that you are. We all like you for you, the good and the bad, and for those who don't, they're both apparently blind and very mistaken.

  5. I like how these videos sometimes end with this calming music, which, how I see it, is like the light at the end of the tunnel, the sparkle of hope that is never lost. I hope you remember this when struggles get tough Rebecca 🙂

  6. I very much appreciate how "real" you are about Trich. I had "exposed" my Trich to  others, very few times, and only within certain parameters, since realizing I had it when I was 25 (until then I didn't know what it was that caused me to do what I do). Very close friends and family, and the first time with any type of strangers, was in an Abnormal Psychology course in College (University), when the professor had trouble explaining Trich during lesson. The I saw your "photo every day" video, about a year ago. And now, I don't hide my Trich. If people see me pulling or fiddling with my hair and make mention of it, I don't shrink and hide, but explain. I think continuing to watch your videos, and seeing that there is at least one person who understands exactly what I'm going through, has made me feel more confident. I thank you for that.

  7. A someone with trich, I've spent/wasted so many years and  energy obsessing over hair, and what others would think of my hair…but I honestly don't care that much anymore. Yeah, I have pulling fits on occasion, and sometimes I need to hide a thinning patch, but it's not my entire life anymore. I have a great job and other things in my life to focus on, and when I realized that other people don't really care about my hair, it kinda freed up my mind to focus on other things.

  8. You are wonderful Beckie and so are your videos on both channels. It's great that you're so honest and raw, it may not happy and positive but its real. <3

  9. First of all , nice haircut I really like the back of it. Secondly who cares what people think, I mean you shouldn't feel sorry for being human and you shouldn't feel like your content isn't important or  whatever. I personally love your stuff, you let me know that I'm not the only one out there who deals with depression and that it's okay not to be happy all the time. You're my absolute favorite youtuber, I watch a lot of people but I feel like I learn the most from you.

  10. I know you have said that your Youtube is your diary and I personally want it to stay being that for you. You don't have to post for anyone but yourself and the people that really care will keep watching. I think more of us truly and deeply care than you think. We'll stay and watch through everything. That's a promise. Also, don't be sorry. Things are rough, and that is understood by all who are not butt-heads. So just do what gives you relief, what makes you feel the best and what makes you happy. Sending, as always, my love.

  11. I think around 3:04 might be the first time I've seen Beckie pull casually on a video. Or at least, the first time I've noticed.

  12. Well, you're human and when things are wrong in your life, you ought to be down. If you're not, you're just as deluded as people who suffer serious depression when there is nothing wrong in their lives. I like you being a real person and sometimes you are happy and sometimes you're depressed and angry. Makes me feel more like I really know you.  It is really frustrating because I feel you pain and can do absolutely nothing about it, but keep being real please.

  13. This is why i watch you on youtube. You are real and you don't try to hide it when life are bad – a gift not many online people possessed. I think you give so much more than what you might think.

  14. Hey Beckie! First I just want to say that I love your videos, I watch them all on both channels. I like how you are so real with us and it helps to know that others have trich too. Second, I recently got a hair cut too! The back of my hair got cut in a similar style as yours, I find it can help a bit with pulling. Your channels are perfect just the way they are. You are so strong and amazing! You're my inspiration! Stay awesome! hug

  15. I think your channel is one of the most original ones on youtube. it's not fabricated. when I look at most of the "famous" youtubers, they all make videos similar to each other and lose their originality over time. I think that's the reason why you don't have millions of subscribers, you make authentic and realistic videos instead of reality tv.

  16. I have trich and your channel is always comforting, no matter what the video is about. It's a nice feeling, being able to empathize with other people and knowing that you're not alone. This channel helps me a lot so thank you so so much <3

  17. Yesterday I came to lush in Oxford street to look around and also see if you were there. It turned out you served us at the till! But I was too shy to say hi or that I watched your videos. You told me that the rose jam product I was buying was your favourite, which I was actually buying to try out because you said you liked it so much! Thank you for being you and you don't need to apologise for anything! We ❤️ you Beckie! Xxxx

  18. Rebecca, don't hold back any contant! put out what ever helps you, it helps me, and may some others.

    i have depressions and through your viedeos i realized, that i am struggeling whith skin picking and, shame on me nose picking. you made an Video about it and only than i noticed i can not stop it, i autimaticly do it, but trough this realisation, i am able to stop me from time to time.

    thank you so much

    Elli from germany

  19. Being real is what makes this channel stand out. You shouldn't have to feel guilty because of others, even worse is being made that you feel you have to present yourself differently because of what others might think even though you are screaming inside. You are such an inspiration that you are able to make these videos, I know you get lots of supporting comments but I just want to say, you will get there one day ❤️ don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing great ☺️ lots of love sending your way 💕

  20. I still remember when you first created this channel. Trich isn't a happy thing, and you will all have your moments. There's no reason to fake being down or happy, you feel what you feel! We watch this channel so we can see the real deal, and what we don't get to see behind closed doors. This channel is real and has true emotion. Please keep doing what you are doing gorgeous! xoxo

  21. You should never apologise for being real. I think that's one of the most important (if not THE most important) qualities of your content.

  22. Please don't apologise. I know it's hard, I find myself apologising for my mental illness a lot, but I have to remind myself that it's an illness like any other and I don't have to apologise for being ill.

  23. I posted a pic on fb yesterday and got so many likes… All I could see were my missing eyebrows. I lost a lot of hair again this morning. I'm in this fight with you, and having a down time too. (Hugs) stay strong, sister trichster.

  24. I love your channel, i love the raw honesty and the fact that this channel shows that nobody's life is always happy. Keep doing what your doing xxx

  25. Beckie, you are one of a few youtubers that I love so mutch that I watch everything you post, no matter how happy or sad you or the topic of the video are. I felt down lately, I don't have trich, but there is something interestin about feelings, no matter that causes them, they are similar. And watching your videos and watching you being so honest makes me feel less alone. And you are an amazig human being and I wish I could just hug you! 🐱

  26. I completely understand where you're coming from. I do recovery vlogs every week and I'm always aware that I'm not posting content that most youtubers do because I just want to be real and honest. Not everyone will like it but it will help those struggling so much. I'm grateful for your honesty. 💛

  27. Hi Beckie! I don't find you are always depressed and when you are I don't think it's annoying from a viewer's perspective, as you alternate moments of joy to moments of sadness just as almost everyone does. When you are happy and talk about something you are excited about it's beautiful to hear you(I love your English accent, by the way ahaha). In fact, you are much more real than other youtubers who portray their lives as perfect, filming only the happy moments.
    I think you are a beautiful, simple girl with a very artistic mind. And your hair always looks beautiful. Go on like this!
    have a nice day 🙂

  28. it's your channel. just do you, Beck and don't worry about apologizing. I love this channel. it's helpful to people who are struggling with the same problems or similar problems. ❤

  29. I myself do not have trich and I found this channel through Beckie0 so I do watch both. I continue to watch this channel because it shows a very human side to you. Most youtubers post videos and you don't ever get to see them when they're down or really struggling. They keep up with the positive good happy image they've created and you never get to see them in another light. The stuff you post on here is very real and even though a lot of it is directed towards people with trich many things you've said can be helpful to loads of people. And plus, you're able to spread awareness of trich. I myself didn't even know it existed until I found this channel.

    Anyways, keep doing what you're doing. Post the real stuff. When you're happy make it happy, when your sad make it sad, when you're angry make it angry, and so on… And just know that you have many people supporting you. (:

  30. "TrichJournal"! What do people expect from that name? There is so much to it and it's amazing the variety of videos and different sides of trich that your viewers, including myself, get to see. Thank you for that. Luckily I think the ignorant people are more drowned out by the support and positivity. 
    I love the new haircut though! Honestly it's almost funny how every haircut seems to look so good on you, no matter the reason.

  31. Beckie, this channel is, first and foremost, for you. The content you put out is your way of expressing your thoughts and you don't need to apologize for showing things how they are. We're all going to support you, no matter what you post xx

  32. Dear always-critical viewers: please don't watch these videos and comment, if all you can do is criticize and don't even know how hard depressions or trich is to deal with. Your comments don't help. Becky, please stay strong! (To all of you who want to lecture me on free speech now: sure, everybody has free speech, but it doesn't mean you have to or even should use it when it hurts other people!)

  33. Becca, I love your channel. I love how honest you are about your struggles. That is a really hard thing to do. For years I've pulled at my eyebrows and for the longest time I thought I was a freak. My parents used to yell at me when they caught me doing it. My family would point it out at family parties and make me feel horrible about myself and really self conscious. When I found your channel, it was the first time I'd ever heard of trich and you helped me understand myself better. Now I don't feel so alone. You've inspired me to start a channel about my own struggles with mental illnesses like anxiety and depression. Im still working up the courage to do it, but every time I see one of your videos I get inspired again. Thanks for putting these videos out there Beckie. We love you.

  34. Wow, seeing how you pull your hair on 3:04 was quite an impression. (i translate from german, hope this doesn't sound false) I don't think that your videos are depressing or miserable. You propably still have bad times, but if you are still honest, which i believe, then i think you made great progress. You look way more self-confident and accepting and less sad. I liked the older videos, too.

  35. hugs The complainers can go suck an elf. I like your haircut, I just hope you do and don't see it as a failure. I'll still be here as will many others, I'm sure, even if you were nothing but down for the next ten years. Keep doin' what you do.

  36. I really admire your honesty. I wish people would just listen and not judge or interpret. Every person has their own process with recovery. You are one of the few people who is open about the day to day ups and downs of living with a mental health issue. I think people get uncomfortable with your honesty. You're a hero, Beckie!

  37. I like how this channel is called TrichJournal. The journal part of he title is there for a reason. People keep diaries/journals to document real things going on in their lives. Why sugarcoat something in a journal/diary? That would make no sense. Continue to keep it real, Rebecca. I applaud you for not sugarcoatting on this channel, despite the comments.

  38. This channel is so important. The content is raw and honest, people often try to hide when they're feeling low. I think everyone needs to just accept that nobody is constantly happy and it's ok to tell people when you're suffering.

  39. Please don't apologize for being honest, I've come to think of you as a friend and lots of the time I watch your videos as a way of checking up on you and finding out how you have been lately.

  40. Hello umm hi um my name is ruby and i have trich and i cut my hair really really short and i watch your channel alot and it help alot and i watch them over and over and it motivates me not to pull and i wear a hat and gloves when i watch you and it just really helps so thank you 🙂 🙂 🙂

  41. Being true to one's struggles and maintaining a healthy outlet, especially when that outlet is viewed by others, must be incredibly difficult and you are doing a wonderful job. It's so great and important that you get out the negative while somehow being able to maintain your mind and a good perspective on the positives. Thank you for being as true as you can be. <3

  42. I'm so frustrated that there are things like trich that make people miserable like that (goes for any other illness as well, really).

  43. I've been pulling my hair out recently loads and I have an awful bald patch by my fringe and I kind of absentmindedly do it and it's like this constant itch to pull out my hair and I can't stop and oh my god I hate it so much but I feel like it's not serious enough to go to a doctor because I'm scared they'll think it's some childish habit. I don't usually take to the YouTube comments to talk about my problems but I feel like I'm not alone now I've seem this and I'd like to say thanks because it's made me realise I'm not alone. I've spoken to my mum and she mentioned trich but I don't wanna be someone who self diagnoses and I also don't wanna go to a doctor. Maaaannn this is confusing .-.

  44. Firstly, I LOVE these videos and having suffered with trich for as long as I can remember, I feel humbled and not so weird by following you on your journey. I have to say this as its just something on my mind, I would love your thoughts.

    I pull everywhere and everything, exept, for some weird reason my hair on my head. I've been through the ups and downs, had good times and in one foul swoop ruined months of hard work. I currently have no eyebrows or eyelashes due to plucking and pulling, no pubic hair (while is also sore and full on ingrown hairs, horrid), and out of desperation I've now started plucking my toes. And its not good, it feels good to do but then I am immediately filled with guilt when it's done, the good feeling is short lived yet I can't stop. But I count my blessings everyday that I have never had the compulsion to pull my head hair. I have long thick hair which I dye lovely colours, create cute styles with and take great care of. I'm very very lucky to suffer trich and have a full head of hair. (I will continue on a second comment as the keyboard is getting slow, crappy tablet lol)

  45. Continuing comment below. But over the last 2 years I have been diagnosed with an incurable chronic pain condition, whereby I am in pain 24/7, my joints dislocate at any time, just a body full of pain. It affects many many things, and in a weird way, although I still pull, the worry of the trich has been put on the back burner for now. I'm not belittling it, its horrid, but in comparison to my new suffering it just isn't as important. I pull, I feel guilty, then I forget about it because my body is wracked with pain. One of the newest parts of my illness is a problem with my thyroid gland. Among other things, it is making my hair fall out. I'm talking huge clumps every time I wash, brush, or touch my hair. Huge thick clumps, it looks as though I'm undergoing chemo (although I'm not). And it is breaking my heart. Its the one thing my trich didn't effect, yet out of irony I am still loosing my hair. Its falling away from the root, a short hair cut won't help, I'm getting a wig soon to help. I don't really know what point I'm trying to make here..I just think its so unfair that the one thing trich spared me of is being taken away regardless. It has given me an insight into what you must feel like with hair loss. I feel for you. In the scheme of things, my body is so full of pain that I can't dwell on it, but seeing those huge clumps of long dark hair in the bath after washing, so many clumps just falling away from the root every day, it breaks my heart. I love your channel, your raw honesty. You would be doing an injustice to the trich community if you were falsely chipped everyday. You are taking us on your journey with you and I applaud you for that. Amazing work. Blessings to you.

  46. wow your voice is so deep in this one! and you don't have to apologize for anything, it is YOUR channel! and the neighbours are so mean! anyway, just keep doing what you're doing! xxx

  47. You are very good at communicating your feelings. When you're down, it makes people uncomfortable to experience it so they want to fix it or make it stop. Those people who do understand and can relate and may be inspired to open up and express their feelings as well – that's your people, that's your real audience, and I've always imagined that those are the people you want to reach, and want your honesty. Apologize for nothing when it comes to being real and not making "up" videos for the mainstream crowd. There's enough of those people making those videos. Do what you do, say what moves you and is true, and share where you are at if that's what you want to do. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing, you motivate me to be more open when I am struggling or down, it brings the darkness into the light.

  48. I relate to you please don't apologize seriously you are one of the most vloggers out there that I watch that is real.

  49. hey check out my channel, I am currently 5 days pull free and documenting my progress on my channel for inspiration to others and I really want to help! thought I'd post this here because it has the biggest trichotillomania followers. I hope you check out my channel. 🙂 ❤

  50. I am not a trich suffer, i came to this channel from your other one. It is amazing seeing what you show, i would not have the bottle to show the dark side of my life like this.

  51. Dear Becky, I think what you have been doing in this particular channel is putting a mirror in front of other Trich suffering people.

    Here the same; ups and downs, regardng mood and Trich.

    Please keep on using this channel for yourself and to share with others that what we go through as being normal / being a part of it.

    Take care

  52. Maybe I'm just being completely self absorbed haha but last week a guy made a comment about you always sounding tragic and you took offence and listed loads of videos where you are happy. I then commented that all the videos linked were from BeckieO and some viewers may be unaware of your personal channel. Is it just a coincidence that you then released this video ? 🙂

  53. To be honest I am watching your content on TrichJournal mainly because of this upsetting subject matter. I've been fighting depression for almost 3 years now and for some reason knowing that someone out there feels the same as I do just makes me feel… Not better, but definitely less alone. I don't know if anything of what I just wrote makes sense, but oh, well. Just please, don't start making your content different just because some people told you to do so *gives a virtual hug*

  54. Thank you, Becky. Your vlogs really help, I no longer feel that I'm battling alone. You are a wonderful lady and so brave. An inspiration and light in the darkness. Thank you, stay strong even in weakness. 😄

  55. PLEASE READ!Dear Rebecca,You have mentioned you want to act but Trichotillomania withholds you from doing so. Hogwash. If you are as passionate as you claim to be about acting then nothing can stop you from pursuing it. You have said our conditions do not define us. In that respect then why are you not pursuing acting? If you truly want to be an actress, then an actress you shall be. Regardless of your condition(s). – Pheo Xiomartin (aspiring actress)

  56. Hey Beckie, I wish you all the best and I do hope things start to pick up for you. I don't suffer from anything major but I do get bad eczema from stress which I have been getting all my life but the worst thing to happen to me was this year when I came down with a virus called Pityriasis Rosea, it was horrible and it tends not to be that bad but for some strange reason I got it really bad, I couldn't move with the pain, I was covered from head to toe in sores, blisters, purpura(type of bruising) and there was nothing to I could do about it. I had to change my clothes 3/4 times a day because of the blisters and open sores, I could only have cold showers and when I did I would have to sit down for ages after holding myself until the pain went away. It was horrific and it lasted for 3 months, my dermatologist had never seen a case so bad. I still have the scars but they're only noticeable on my legs and stomach. Perfect for summer time 🙁 Anyway I just wanted you to know I understand when you have no control over something that causes you pain and again I wish you all the best and hope things get better <3

  57. So actually i was looking for Mark Knopfler, What it is 🙂 and stumbled on your channel. But i have to ask!? Might sound dumb, but are you wearing lenses? You have the most amazing blue eyes!?

  58. Just keep expressing yourself as you have always have done!! It helps people who are happy all the time know how to act or be around some people who are down! You are an inspiration to learn from! But you are happy by you expressing yourself!!! ❤️

  59. i have trich and i too have been having a hard time. Trich is hard to understand if you dont deal with it. You inspire me so much. i dont feel alone. thank u for posting

  60. i have trich and i too have been having a hard time. Trich is hard to understand if you dont deal with it. You inspire me so much. i dont feel alone. thank u for posting

  61. i have trich and i too have been having a hard time. Trich is hard to understand if you dont deal with it. You inspire me so much. i dont feel alone. thank u for posting

  62. i have trich and i too have been having a hard time. Trich is hard to understand if you dont deal with it. You inspire me so much. i dont feel alone. thank u for posting

  63. (How do you cope with it?
    My friend asked me to wear a rubber band and if I pull, then pull the band and hit myself.)
    But I am trying hard. And I cannot help it, but I … lost my plot.

    I HOPE WE ALL GET A THICK LUSH LOCK OF HAIR IN OUR HEAD AND NOT OUR HANDS, Take care.
    Much support.

  64. I had the opposite experience. I only knew your BeckyO channel, and was actually wondering why you were happy all the time, and never seems to get down because of your trich. I am glad to have found this this channel. I do think that many people probably know you from only one channel or the other, so it is good that you letting people know they both exist.

  65. Beckie, this is your channel. You post whatever you want/need to post. I mean this channel especially, you set it up specifically to talk about trich and to document how you feel, which you shouldn't have to worry about doing. we're all subscribed for a reason and that reason is that we care and enjoy your content! I mean I hate to see you sad, but just know that we're all watching because we care and we'll never judge you for how you honestly feel <3

  66. Try not to think about it. Watch the office, drink tea, and sketch. I guess thats ignoring your problems but it wont help to think about it.

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