I’m Relapsing… My Life with Chronic Depression [CC]


So, um, I’m relapsing. Um… I… would go as far as to say that I have relapsed. Um… I have chronic depression, and… um… for the past several weeks, I’ve been going steadily downhill with regards to, um, energy level and, um, motivation, and… uh… (sniffs) you know, just general mental stability. Obviously I’ve had depression for a long time, and will possibly have it for the rest of my life. Um… And I had been told that, and I knew that, but I don’t think that I… processed that that means that I’m going to be recovering and relapsing, in a cycle, for the rest of my life. This is the first time that I’ve… been in this place… in quite a while. It feels like… after I… dropped out of college for the first time, and… for the first time in my life, I… realized that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. And I just felt so lost, and directionless. I feel very lost right now. Um… There are things that I want to do, and… things that I want to make videos on that I think are really important, and I want to spread information about, but I can’t right now, because I don’t trust my own judgment and experiences right now. I’ve gotten used to being confident in my disorders, and how they affect my life, um, and, how my… trauma affects my life, and it’s important for me to be able to, um, attribute, uh, certain things to my disorders or my experiences because, um, I spent so much of my life basically wondering what was wrong with me. Um, so for me personally, I find power and comfort in being able to figure out which of my behaviors and feelings are caused by what, in my brain. Um… But now, every time I think about talking about… an experience that I’ve had with trauma… or a disorder that I have, and how it affects my life, I just picture… someone telling me that I’m wrong. Or… like, finding out down the line that I’m wrong. Like, like… Um… I lost my train of thought, I forgot where I was going with that. I just keep picturing starting therapy, and a therapist being like, “Oh, you don’t – well, you don’t have ADHD, you have this.” Or, “you don’t have this, you have this,” like, um… I’ve been looking into different… traumas and disorders, trying to make sense of my own experiences, and finding out all this new information has made me question pretty much everything I know about myself. And it’s really exhausting. And I feel… I don’t know how I feel. I guess, helpless. I’m having trouble concentrating. It’s really… unpleasant… I can’t think of the word, but… it’s really hard to… realize after a long time of… finally feeling like you know what’s going on with yourself… to realize that… you… you don’t feel like you do know what’s going on with yourself anymore. And part of that is definitely just um, the depression talking, because… I just feel so incapable, and so ashamed. And so useless. And I know that’s because of my depression and not because… I really am those things. But I feel them so strongly. That’s part of the reason that I have… been putting off… seeking help, because I feel like I should be able to figure things out on my own. And I know that it’s not… something that I should be ashamed of, that I can’t… make sense of everything on my own. But… knowing that doesn’t make me stop feeling it. But I am looking into getting therapy again. Um, which is something that I’ve been wanting to do for ages, and now it’s just gotten to the point where I really need to. So I am looking into getting therapy, and hopefully that’ll get started soon and I can have some help, um… figuring out what’s going on with myself. I know this wasn’t a very cohesive video but I just wanted to talk about relapsing. And part of… part of relapsing is… being like this, and not… not being able to function the way that you usually do, or the way that you used to. Okay. Well, wish me luck. Hi. Um, it’s, uh, been several hours since I recorded the beginning of this video. Um, I have gotten dressed, um, and gone out, and gotten some hot chocolate, and um, had lunch, and, uh, bought some books from a book sale, and hung out with my sister, and… All really good stuff, and I just wanted to put a little disclaimer at the end here, because I don’t – I don’t wanna put out videos that are, um… completely negative. Um… and – because I know that, I mean, I wasn’t trying to be negative this morning, like, that is honestly how I was feeling, but, um, I mean, the reason I’m making videos is so that people can keep up to date on what’s happening with me, and so that people, uh, with similar problems can find something that they relate to. And, um, I have found, uh, in either of those situations that, uh… however honest and necessary, uh, seeing something negative is, uh, it’s– if that’s the only… tone that I’m getting, it’s not good for my mental health. Um… And– So I wanted to add something at the end for that reason, and I also don’t want to make it seem like, uh, today has been an entirely bad day, because I’m… in the middle of a depression relapse, um, because that’s not how it works. Um, I’m sure that’s how it works for some people, but, um… I have lived with depression for long enough and, uh, gotten good enough at, uh, coping with it that I will have times like this morning, where I feel hopeless and I have a really hard time concentrating and I just feel awful about everything, but I don’t really have completely bad days, just as I don’t really have completely good days. Um… I mean, if–if– the majority of the events of my day were bad, I’ll say that I had a bad day, but, I have… no day is, from start to finish, um, not good, in any way. Um, and I just think that’s really important to, uh, point out, that’s important to me to convey. It’s been almost–it’s been around five or six hours since I recorded the beginning of this video, and my mood has changed dramatically, obviously, I’m sure you can tell, I’m talking faster and, um, with more confidence, and, um, I’m just feeling happier and more comfortable. Um… And later this evening, I might swing back into a depressive slump, that’s entirely possible. But, um, I really just wanted to show that yes, I had a rough time this morning, and yes, it’s important to talk about because that’s not a, uh… one-time experience that I’ve been having, and I am in the middle of a relapse, but that doesn’t mean that I am always miserable. Um, and for the sake of the people I love who might be watching this video, and also for the sake of, um, other people, um, who might need some encouragement that–that relapsing isn’t the end of the world, um, I just wanted to point that out before I end this video. So… That’s it. Um, thank you for watching, everybody. I’ll see you next time, bye!

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