My Childhood & Teenage Years as a Transgender Schizophrenic with PTSD

Hi everyone! This video is going
to be about my past, such as my childhood and teenage years, how
things were for me in middle and high school, and the struggle I
had with my gender identity and becoming my true self, through
the mental disorders and trauma. This is a very lengthily
life story, but is divided into sections you can access by
looking in the description. So, thank you to anyone in advanced
who watches the entire thing. I apologize if I am smiling at
any of this because this is not anything to smile about. As a
general warning, this video could be triggering to some
individuals since it includes references of trauma,
abandonment, abuse, and bullying, among other things.
So please watch with caution. My childhood is very difficult
for me to talk about, and is also something I really
don’t remember because it was so traumatic I blocked most of
it out. There is only a small amount I remember, some
good, some bad. So, a lot of the information provided here was
given to me by my family that knows about my past. Of
course, these people don’t know everything that happened to me
and I suspect a lot is being intentionally hidden from me
as well. So, ever since I was a child I was severely abused.
Physical abuse, I was hit, kicked, slapped around, anything
you could imagine. Not just by one person, but by multiple
people. I remember being suffocated at one point. One
thing that was told to me was that at some point I was tied up
to a chair by someone I didn’t know because I was out of
control. I don’t know how long or if anything else happened,
but it sounds like a terrifying moment for a child. Emotional
abuse, I was called names, but more seriously, I was abandoned
by so many people. I’ll get to that in a minute. Sexual abuse,
it wouldn’t surprise me if things were done to me. But,
there are also things that I have done that I will have to
live with for the rest of my life. I cannot go back and
change my past, and if I did, I wouldn’t be the same person I am
today. I had nowhere to escape, I was trapped. The only release
I got was when I went to my grandparent’s. They were always
nice to me and never neglected me. That was the one place
I felt safe and could have attention. If it wasn’t for
them, I don’t know where I would be today. Regarding abandonment,
I was neglected by most people. My mother never paid much of any
attention, plus I never had a father that was actively in the
picture. I did see him a very few times, but I don’t know what
we did, if anything. Shortly thereafter, someone else from
that side of the family started spending time with me, and we
became very close. We would go on adventures and I really had a
lot of fun. She was there for me during the times I couldn’t be
with my grandparents. One day she was supposed to come pick
me up, but she never showed up. People tried to get ahold of
her, but there was no response. I thought she died. There are a
lot of mental problems that run in my family, especially on
that side, my father’s side, so perhaps that is why they left
me, and perhaps where I got some of the issues I have today. I
don’t know that side of the family, so I don’t know the
extent of the mental issues that run there. I was a very violent
and angry child. I’ve taken my anger out in ways that were
unacceptable. It was only over the past few years that I
have been able to find a better outlet. One thing I did was
constantly break by prescription glasses when I would get angry.
Another thing was slam my head against things. There was one
point, which I don’t remember, where I threatened to kill my
mother with a screwdriver for what she had done to me. She was
terrified out of her mind and thought I would kill her when
she was asleep. When I turned five my sister was born. I
always wanted to be the only child, and get the attention
I deserved, and now with my sister, any kind of attention
that could’ve been became non-existent. I hated my sister
for being born and supposedly I hurt her. I was also signed up
for lots of activities. Music, swimming, anything else. And, I
hated it. If it was learning to play musical instruments, I
would hide the instrument so I could get out of doing it.
I hated being around other children, and just wanted to be
alone in my room. I was most of the time anyway. So, I usually
just played video games by myself. Back then, I remember
thinking about death a lot, but it didn’t scare me. I remember
thinking about ways I could die and it fascinated me. I had a
wooden bunk bed in my room, even though I was the only one that
slept in there. But, I remember kicking and pushing as hard as
I could with my legs to try and get the top bunk to fall on
top of me in hopes that it would kill me. I remember splitting my
arm open somehow about an inch when jump on my bed I believe.
I don’t know if that’s what happened or just what I was
supposed to believe, or if it even was an accident. I still
have the scar today. I remember this one delusion, where I
thought there was a girl my age that lived across the street
from where my room was. I don’t think I could see her at all,
but I thought a girl lived there and thought she was my
girlfriend. She monitored everything I did in my room,
never judged and was nice. I don’t know if I ever talked to
her, nor do I know if she talked to me, perhaps we did. But,
I knew she was there always watching me. I felt I was
watched by a lot of things, especially in space, but I was
not scared or paranoid of it. Regarding my gender identity, I
believe I faintly remember going into my mother’s room and
looking at her clothing and shoes, wanting to try them
on, perhaps even trying on the shoes. I don’t know. I remember
I hated having a penis. I remember so many times having
scissors down there about ready to cut it off. Of course, I
never did it, wouldn’t have been able to get surgery otherwise.
But, I do clearly remember being on the verge of getting rid of
it because I didn’t like it. Or perhaps that was also another
thought of death I had. I also remember in school someone asked
me if I had a penis, and I said, “No, it got cut off.” I denied
it because I hated it. What I also remember is when my mother
was watching some movie about men that cross-dressed and were
living like women. I remember thinking in my head, that is
what I’m going to do when I get older. As far as school goes, I
was very shy and never really talked with anyone. I didn’t
really have many friends, but the ones I did have I had a lot
of fun with. Though, I was made fun of and bullied.
Additionally, I also had a speech impediment and couldn’t
say certain letters correctly, so I had to take speech therapy.
I remember I was so scared of using the bathroom in school
that I held it all day long. This even continued through
high school. Though, when I was younger it was quite difficult
holding it for that long and I had some accidents that I’m not
proud of. The reason why I hated bathrooms, I don’t know. Perhaps
it was related to my body, or some abuse I don’t remember,
or a combination of the two. I don’t have a clue. By the time I
turned 10, I had moved in full time with my grandparents and
still live there today. I was luckily able to get away
from the abuse and live in a comforting household.
Though, my problems were only starting to begin. Around age 11 and 12, it was
around the time I started to hit puberty. Things drastically
turned bad in my life on so many levels. Going through puberty
is extremely difficult for any transgender individual. Your
body is changing in the opposite way you would like and it is a
terrifying experience. I hated the fact that I was getting a
deeper voice, facial and body hair, and other things. The
hatred I had towards myself was astronomical. I would look in
the mirror and say, “I hate you, you ugly slob.” And I would cry
so badly when I saw any kind of picture of myself. I didn’t get
why people thought I was good looking, because I didn’t see
it. Something else that became very troubling was that my
thought process became very distorted. Unexpectedly out of
nowhere, I started to become very paranoid of people,
thinking they were watching me, reading my thoughts at all
times. When they would look at me, they would know instantly
what I was thinking. Every time I would think something, it was
broadcast outside my head for the whole world to hear. This
was very different from how I was prior. I was doing fine,
no paranoia, no delusions, I trusted people, and invited them
to birthday parties and would go to theirs willingly, but I was
usually held back by shyness, that’s it. But after my thoughts
changed, I was so paranoid of them, thinking they would hurt
me and do me harm. On top of that, I slowly lost all interest
in human interaction. I just wanted to be alone, and I was.
I stayed in my room, avoided people, stopped talking with
people, including my family. Of course some of this was due to
my depressed about my gender identity. Whenever I would talk
to my grandmother, I would sit behind a corner so she
couldn’t see me. Or, I would put something in the way so she
couldn’t look at me. I hated being looked at, because I felt
ugly, but also that other people were reading my mind. These
things started to become more and more severe. It got to
the point where I put black construction paper on my window
to, one block out the sun, and block out anyone who was
watching me in my room. I spent most of my time alone in my
room, away from even my family. I was terrified every second I
had to leave my room because I thought someone would break
in and go through my things. Whenever I would take a shower,
I thought my grandmother would go up there and root around.
This continued until after I finished high school. So much to
the point where I had to lock my door and put a piece of paper
under it to see if anyone broke in. But, I also believed that
people knew I did this and would put it back the way I had it
after they broken in. I remember around the time I became a
teenager or short thereafter, I saw a documentary on TV about
this male to female transgender person that was about to undergo
SRS. I was so fascinated and said, “That will be me in the
future!” Though, back then my plan was very different. I was
never going to tell my family. I was going to wait until I was 30
or 40 and had a place of my own, and then I would transition,
and purposefully lose all communication with my
family. I would shut them out. And, I’m very glad that
did not happen. In middle school, grades six
through eight were the worst. I never fit into any group. I was
always the outcast that everyone thought was weird and creepy and
made fun of. I could hear them taking about me, whispering
negative things about me to one another. After hitting puberty
and when I became paranoid and delusional, I was no longer able
to really make any friends. I didn’t have a problem before, I
was just shy. But, afterwards it became a total inability to
communicate effectively with others to make friends. I could
not relate and didn’t know how to make friends. This continues
to remain with me today. The people I thought were friends,
always turned against me and would do and say things about me
to get me down. I was bullied a lot. I was physically and
verbally abused. Verbal abuse was name calling, making fun and
teasing. People called me gay a lot, which I knew I wasn’t gay
when I was living as a male, because deep down I knew the
problem was I was a female. I acted feminine, and had
mannerisms that were feminine many times, so that is why
people thought I was gay. Regarding physical abuse, I was
slammed around and hit, cornered in the bathroom and threatened
to have my pants pulled down. As someone struggling with their
gender identity, this made it extremely difficult. But on
top of that, I was choked at one point up against the lockers.
There was one incident where we were outside, and there was a
group of kids that were calling me over, two or three were from
my class. I knew something was suspicious about it, but for
some reason, I went over anyway. I kept saying, “What,” to the
kid that was calling me. And, they almost seemed to circle
me. I knew immediately what was about to happen, and sure
enough, one kid pulled my pants down from behind. I didn’t feel
anything after that. I pulled them back up and walked away.
Someone saw it and told the teacher, not that I was going to
or anything. I was not ashamed or embarrassed. I felt nothing
and it was quite a weird feeling to not feel anything after
someone just did that to you, outside, in front of who
knows how many people. I started to get so angry at
everyone. I hated them all for what they did to me. I wanted to
kill myself to get away from all this. I thought about it all the
time. Additionally, and this is very difficult to admit, but
each and every day I fantasized about murdering every last one
of those people. I thought about how I would go about it, what I
would do to end all their lives. It wasn’t just a fantasy, I
planned how I was going to do it, and I was going to do it one
day. It got to the point where I was talking in some weird
code that I only understood to someone over the phone, who had
it on speaker so their mother could hear, and I knew this, but
continued my weird talk. How I was talking, it certainly seemed
like I was contemplating murder. This person’s mother spoke to
my grandmother about her concern and she asked if I was
planning on killing someone. My grandmother thought this, so I
knew it was serious. But, that’s not all. It was so severe
that one day when I was away, my family went into my room and
looked through all my belongings to see if they could find
anything. This was yet another confirmation that I should never
trust anyone. If I can’t even trust my family, who could I
trust? I hated that school and the people in it. There was a
graduation and I refused to go. The class was small, under 15
kids, so it wouldn’t have been hard for people to tell that I
wasn’t there. But, my family was upset that I refused to go. My
mother came by my grandmother’s house where I was to find me and
make me go to the graduation. I remember hiding in the closet,
crying, wishing she would go away, wishing it would all end.
I had the feeling she would find me, and sure enough she opened
the closet door and found me. I remember I was dragged out of
the house, but I refused to go and fought as hard as I could.
I was grabbing the hand railing outside and gripping it like my
life depended on it because I just couldn’t go back to that
school. She gave up, but was so angry that I didn’t go to the
graduation. But none of them understood how traumatizing
my years were there. Before entering high school, I
had all intention of killing myself. I thought it would be
much worse than middle school, but it surprisingly wasn’t.
The high school was a vocational school and I got into technical
drafting. It wasn’t my first choice, but it was quite fun.
We pretty much did architectural drafts of houses and used
AutoCAD software. We had this awesome 3D printer that could
print actual physical models of things created in the software.
I was the only one who knew how to work it for quite some time.
Though, I still never fit into any group. The group of friends
I seemed to have, I didn’t really feel like I belonged.
I still felt like an outcast, unable to relate to anyone. I
was still made fun of, people called me gay, loser, nerd. I
practically wore the same set of clothes. I had an all grey,
blue, and black outfit. I always wore long pants, even in summer
to cover up my legs. My clothing was plain and boring and I
didn’t want to bring any intention to myself. People
would make fun of me for this. Saying I was poor and couldn’t
afford clothes, making fun of practically anything else they
could. I remember one remark when I wore all black, someone
said, “Is this your Goth day? Are you going to go cry in the
corner and cut yourself?” When it was time for PE class, we
were supposed to get changed, but I never did. The first year
I never entered the changing rooms. The second year I did
but only to store my bag, and to make the teacher think I
changed. But, was quick about getting out because I was
suspicious something bad was going to happen. I still never
used the bathroom all day. At that point, I was terrified of
going in there. I felt awkward being in the male’s bathroom,
but I also had the suspicion that something bad was
going to happen to me in there. Additionally, high school was
the time I stopped eating at school. I was so shy that I
didn’t want people to even see me eat food. People would make
fun of me for this too. They would say things like I was
anorexic. I was very thin, and did have fear of gaining weight,
even though I was, and still am, underweight. Though, it wasn’t
about that, it was because I didn’t want people to watch me
consume food. Though, when we had a class party, I would eat a
little. And, after you build up a reputation of not eating for
so long, people find it weird to see you eating. Some people
would say, “Oh, you’re finally eating. I thought you were some
creature that never ate.” Stuff like that which was very stupid
and embarrassing. People thought I did drugs because of how my
eyes were. I don’t know what they were talking about but
apparently my eyes had a lot of erratic movement and were always
dilated and I was blinking a lot. I clearly remember a girl
telling me that she was feeling depressed. She asked me if
I ever got depressed, and I answered, “No, I don’t ever get
depressed.” This was not a lie either because I truly did
not feel depressed. I was never happy, never depressed, I
don’t know what I felt, I was apathetic, unable to experience
any emotion. But at that time, I was not even aware of this.
There was one kid that I will talk a little bit about now. One
really dumb thing I remember him saying was, “This is high
school. You’re supposed to lose your virginity in high school.”
And I’m just thinking, “Oh my gosh, are you serious? Do you
seriously think like that?” He then tried to hook me up with
these girls, and it was very embarrassing. But of course no
one was ever interested, and I wasn’t interested either. I
didn’t love myself, so how could I possibly expect someone else
to love me. I had never been in a relationship up to that
point, and still remain to be completely inexperienced in
relationships. I’ve never been in a relationship, and people
find this hard to believe. This individual would constantly
unplug my computer. As it would load, unplug. Working on a
project, unplug. He would spit on my mouse and keyboard so I
couldn’t use it. Very annoying and I would get pissed and
he wanted to see me angry. I remember him taking photographs
of me. I believe there was several he printed out or used
in some kind of way that was demeaning. When I would see
him with his camera, I ran over there and snatched it out of
his hand and threw it across the room. This has been a very big
trigger for me, even today. When people unexpectedly take
photographs of me, I want to break their device. I’ve even
deleted all photos off someone’s camera before because they
got one of me. Anyway, another stupid thing he did which is
amusing looking back on it now actually, was there was this
large fan in the room and he had it blowing towards me, and that
by itself was getting me angry. But, he had a bottle of cinnamon
that he would sprinkle in the back of the fan so it would blow
on me. And he would keep asking me, “Oh, do you feel that?!”
Or would just get it on me when walking in the hallway. And I
got pissed and grabbed it and threw it in the trash. Somehow
he discovered my password to log into my computer and gave it out
to people. He logged in and put a whole bunch of documents of
random things and inappropriate, pornographic pictures on my hard
drive. But, one time when I was logging in, he apparently
changed my wallpaper to some nerdy girl or something and I
immediately turned my monitor off because it was so
embarrassing and I hoped no one saw it. Sometime later, I manage
to hack into the computer, since I was able to figure out
how to make any account an administrator account. So, I did
this to my account and was able to change my password so he
could not log in anymore. The next day he said something like,
“What happened to your account? I cannot log on as you anymore.”
Such as smart remark. Now, the worst of what he did. He made a
MySpace profile of me. I didn’t want one at all. I hated MySpace
and everyone talking about it. He kept threatening that he
would do it one day, and one day he finally did. He started to
add people from my classes that obviously knew me. And, I
overheard someone saying to someone else that I had a
MySpace profile. I luckily managed to find this profile
and looked over it and was devastated. I don’t remember
what it said about me, but I know I was listed as gay, bi, or
confused, or something of that nature. It was all wrong and
so embarrassing. I just began crying uncontrollably and was so
upset. I took it upon myself to contact MySpace and wrote a very
nice email saying that someone made a fake profile of me. And,
within 24 hours they responded and deleted the profile. I was
so relieved. I remember that kid saying something like, “Did
you hack your MySpace page and delete it?” I denied being
involved in the deletion of that profile. Because I didn’t want
him to know it was me, because I knew he would do
something much worse. I was the person that so many
people thought would bring a gun to school and kill everyone. As
they were abusing me, they would say some smart remark like, “I
didn’t do it as bad as he did so you should spare my life when
you shoot up the school.” That’s not something you joke about. I
kept saying that I would never hurt anyone, that I would never
do that sort of thing. But there was a side of me that was
very angry, who hated not only myself, but everyone else. I did
want to kill them all, just like the feeling I had in
middle school. Though, what was different was that I was no
longer going to do it directly. Meaning, if I were to kill them,
it would be a secret and no one would know. I looked into dark
magic, the occult, voodoo. I think I seriously considered
using these tools to harm them and even attempted it to some
degree. Though, I then stopped and decided against it, and
instead used similar tools to bring about good in my life.
This was the time in my life where I got interested in a
lot of supernatural things and others made fun of me for this
too. Thinking I was weird and crazy for what I believed in.
This was the time my delusional thinking got severe. I’ll start
with the least most bizarre one. I thought I had psychic powers.
I actually wrote a paper for class about psychic powers and
which ones I possessed. I said I could do these things and was
working on doing them. Let me tell ya how scared the teacher
was after that. She use to go right up to my desk to give
me back papers, but after this paper was turned in, she
literally leaned over the person in front of me to give me back
my paper, and didn’t really say much of anything after that. I
knew she was scared of me for what she read. Another thought,
well, we were on computers in one class. They were in rows
and I was in the middle row, and there were computers behind me,
next to me, and in front of me. I was surrounded by computers.
Each and every year, over the course of the year, very slowly,
each computer would start acting weird. It started with mine,
then the ones next to me, then the ones further away. It was a
radius that grew slowly over the school year. And this happened
each year too. This was very weird. I began to think I had
some electromagnetic force that was causing this. There was
something special about me that was causing it. Lastly, and this
is the most severe one, I had a Messiah complex. I didn’t think
I was God, I knew there was a higher power, but I believed I
was perhaps chosen by God to bring about good things and save
the universe from destruction. I knew there was something special
about me. Something I must do in order to save the universe. Not
just Earth, the entire universe. I truly thought, 100%, that the
day supposedly when the Earth would end, December 21st, 2012,
that it had significant meaning for me. I wrote a paper about
that day, addressing the theory of the end of the Earth. I
remember saying that if it was the end of the Earth and
millions of people died, that it would be for the best, to rid
the world of evil. Immediately people were like, “Whoa!” I
didn’t believe the Earth would end that day, rather I thought
it was the day that my physical body would converge with the
spiritual world and I would become immortal, making me able
to save the universe. This was all a very serious thought in
my mind, and I was dedicated to living and fulfilling that
purpose. I never said this to anyone back then because I knew
they would try and take that power away from me, stopping me
from fulfilling my destiny. I know if this delusion continued
to grow, and it came time for me to sacrifice myself to fulfill
my destiny, then I would’ve died because of this delusion that I
had. I also had these psychotic or dissociative episodes in
class. Things changed so much, I was not myself, talking to
things that were not there, using a fake telephone to
communicate. I came into class one time and moved my desk to
the side, stumbling around. So many people thought I was high
on something. They were laughing at my behavior, but I wasn’t
in any fear of judgment. I was talking to people freely, no
shyness or resistance. Then when I would snap out of it I was
like, “What is going on here?” I honestly felt out of place, out
of reality, then all of a sudden just came back to reality. Some
people told me what I did, and I denied it. I may not have
known about it, or was just embarrassed to admit what I did. When high school was nearing
its end, it was senior year and since it was a vocational
school, learning a specific trade, the school encourages its
students to have a job senior year. How it worked, for our
class at least, the morning classes were normal, while the
afternoon we had our trade. And, we were to look for jobs
that would take over that class period. So after lunch, the
students would leave class and go to their job. I was the only
one without a job. I didn’t have a car to get there first of all,
but also, I don’t believe in working for someone else. I
rather do my own thing. So, I was alone in the class and
there was nothing to do. So, the teacher recommended something to
do during that time period and I did it. So, what I did senior
year in the afternoon was help special education students that
went to the school. I saw the same ones certain days, and it
ranged from 9th to 12th graders. It was a lot of fun working with
them. When it was graduation day, I did go, even though I was
sick and almost unable to. That was the only event I went to. I
never went to any homecoming or prom, didn’t do any of that, or
any other event from that school. But, I was finally done
with the school and was so glad to be out of there. I didn’t
have any plans on going to college, mainly because
I wanted isolation. I hated being around people
and was finally glad it was over. Though my
family had different plans. They made me go to
college. I had to take an entry exam, but I intentionally failed
it so I wouldn’t place. They were shocked I got the lowest
class selection. I went to some classes a few time, but ended
up stop going after a few weeks because it was so painfully
difficult being around people. My family never even knew for
quite some time, and they were extremely disappointed when they
found out I dropped out in the first month. They kept setting
rules for me to either go to college or get a job. Neither of
which I was doing. I did my own thing, and was self-employed. I
am self-taught with most of the skills I have today. I designed
my own website, started a small business in a sense, or what was
going to be a small business but is just an online website. I
even entered a competition with the state I live in and won the
most innovative award for this business website. After that, I
stopped associating with people altogether, and my gender
identity issues started creeping back up on me. I knew I had to
transition because I became so depressed again. It was a very
difficult time in my life up to that point, but once I
finally began to transition, so much changed in my life. Thinking back on all that now,
none of it seems real. It almost all seems like a dream, or like
it didn’t happen to me. But in the end it did, and there is no
amount of thinking, wishing, or dissociating, that will change
my past. No childhood is better than the one I do have, and my
teen years were the darkest time in my life I remember. It is
what it is. There is also a lot that I am not willing to share,
but I’m sure there is a lot more that I am forgetting since it
was a very difficult time that I blocked most of it out. I feel
like my family is hiding things from me that would definitely
explain a lot. I am more comfortable with telling
complete strangers my most personal details because who
cares if they judge me if I will never know them personally.
My family on the other hand, I don’t feel I can really share
anything with. They currently don’t know about these videos
that I do, or even 75% of what happened to me and how I think.
I’ll keep it a secret. I still struggle with many issues today.
The paranoia and delusions are not as severe as they were back
then, but are different now. I still have delusions of
grandeur, thinking I am special in some way, perhaps not human,
and people want to take away what I possess. Though I have
learned that everyone is equal, including myself. It’s just
difficult when dealing with a disorder that makes one
think they are greater than they really are. It makes me sound
narcissistic, which is not how I like to be portrayed. It also
sets me up for disappointment when I realize my thinking is
flawed. I feel like most of the time I wear a mask to cover up
the real me. Who I really am is so vulnerable and traumatized. I
feel the core of my being lies deep in a corner of my mind. So,
I put on a mask and be someone who is not vulnerable and
traumatized, so I can go about my life and not feel so
miserable. But in the end, it doesn’t matter how much I cover
it up or deny, my past will never change. It is still
painfully difficult to interact with other people. I try to
avoid it at all costs. I never let any get close to me. Though,
there was one person that I let get very close to me. I called
this person my best friend, which is something I’ve never
had before. I felt like I could share anything, without fear of
judgment. I had never felt that way about anyone else before.
But, one day, the communication stopped and excuses were made. I
was so devastated that someone that close to me, closer than
I let anyone else in my entire life get to me, would do that. I
felt so betrayed and stupid for ever letting that individual
get that close to me. That experience has confirmed even
more so that I should never let anyone get close to me. If that
one person that I finally felt a true connection with, that I
trusted, that I let get closer to me than anyone else had,
betrayed me, then who can I trust? Why should I bother
trusting anyone ever again if I know they will do the same as
this individual? I’m not putting myself at risk like that. I
prefer to be alone then lied to, deceived, and heartbroken. To be
completely honest, these videos and the communication with you
all are the only things I look forward to in my life. I don’t
do anything else. I am at home 95% of the time, and
usually only go out to doctors appointments and therapy. If
it weren’t for that, I would probably be at home for months
at a time. I’ve been like this practically since I graduated
from high school. So it’s been about five years now. It’s not
like I really have much of any friends to go out with,
because I really don’t have many friends. Actually, I only
have one friend, and we talk occasionally. But other than
that, that’s all I have. My family, to be completely honest,
I want to move away from and never see them again. I don’t
know why, but I do. I guess I want to live all by myself, with
no communication with anyone. But, then I think my life would
take a very dark turn. But, if that’s how things will be,
then oh well. There are many underlying reasons why someone
would change their sex. One theory has to do with hormone
levels in the womb. The body and brain develop independently. So,
a male body could have a female brain. But in the end, whatever
the reason, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is the
happiness of the individual after transitioning. Perhaps the
reason I wanted to be a female when I was born a male was to
dissociate from the trauma and abuse that had been done to me.
Developing a new person, both physically and mentally. New
personality. Change my body to rid myself of any physical
abuse. Change my mind to rid myself of any emotional abuse
and abandonment. And, change my genitals to rid myself of any
sexual abuse. Creating a new person that is free from trauma,
to start a new life. Someone that is happier and able to
do the things that the male identity could’ve never done.
This was all very successful, but there is no escaping my past
and still much to be worked on if I plan on having a future.
I thank anyone who has watched this entire video.
Thank you so much!

About the author


  1. I feel the same way about my grandparents. Their house was like a safe haven for me. My grandma was a true guardian angel

  2. I watched your popular video about your personalities before watching this and I was so angry because I thought it was fake. Now I'm glad I done more research about you before posting a comment. You're a beautiful, strong woman and your video really made me realize how quickly I can judge people even considering myself an open minded person. I was an outcast in middle school and I felt so lonely so many years of my life that now I have a lot of trouble trying to accept myself. You're a true inspiration.

  3. My deepest thanks. I sit with open mouth. My opinion Autumn- You have earned your Doctorate in any of a number of fields. Psychology, Psychiatry, Anthropology, Sociology, Criminology, and for me this is psychotherapy and I only need to listen quietly -yes I have cried -all so true. Thank you for your revelations, (or your data? ) w/respect.

  4. So basically you had normal life experiences and now you’re triggered and traumatized and broken?
    Millennials, Jesus.

  5. My first comment on youtube in years. You're so lovely. I want to hug you <3 My heart hurt so much listening to your story. I wish you all the best. You're so strong and fragile at the same time.. I keep watching your videos.

  6. You are an exceptionally inspiring woman. Your stories have really shed a light on issues that many people have including myself. Just in one day from listening to these videos, I've experienced a catharsis that I haven't felt in a long time. I realize that there is a lot of work to be done, but I am immeasurably thankful that you've helped me to recognize the issues. Thank you❀️

  7. Wow! Your an amazing woman! I wanted to reach through my screen and give you a big huge hug. What you want through doesn't Define your whole future it only plays a chapter in the book of your life. I've watched all 3 of the last videos that you've made talking about your personalities and now this 1 they were so powerful!! Maybe I need to start recording myself to find out more about me! I think it's smart! I think your a beautiful Woman and thank you so much for showing your true self to help someone else! We exercise our demons, almost straight out of us! But hope always stays in our hearts!! Thank you very much sweetie!!

  8. Hey, could you please help me out, I want to learn how to make money online, it does not have to be much, but I know you could help. Please, I'm a kind person without any complications. I know you have experience in how to get money from the net. Not talking about youtube money- I would never expose myself so openly for the world to gawk at.

  9. Wow. I have been watching your video for about six hrs now. Iam addicted to listening to you talk and hearing about your story. So many thing I wantTo say to you, I wouldn't know where to begin. I wish I knew you. You are more then the words Iam writing, but I'll try. YOU ARE BEYOND SPECAIL AND AMAZING! I won't preach to you about where and why I think it's to cautious of a descion to stay away from people and be isolated because that would make me a hypercryte…but I do think you have so much good to gain from letting people in. I'd don't want to get to deep into it. This comment is already lengthy. Thank you for sharing really intimate details of your life. And the composure ou have in all your videos is admirable..I could go I. All day about all the amazing qualities you possess but I'll stop

  10. I related in so many levels. Which afraid me. I been stuck weather I am living or seeing my life pass by. I don't see the difference between days and night. I over sleep or don't sleep. I am lost in space. I have this anxiety eating me alive. I can't being inside of a bus without being closed to the edge of jumping out. I feel people staring at me, talking about me reading my though. I get so scare, I stop even breathing cuz I don't want to be heard… I feel like I am going inside and I don't longer know who I am….

  11. I found that I could deeply relate to much in this video. A complex childhood of a myriad of abuse, abandonment issues ending in mental health issues of DID, Severe Complex PTSD, Depression and delusions. The feelings/thoughts of always being watched, believing that people could know what I was thinking. Questioning my orientation do to the ongoing sexual abuse as a child combined with the being psychologically and physically terrorized on a daily bases and so on. Watching this video was in one hand soul wrenching knowing what going through those experiences is like, and on the other hand feeling, wow I kind of know what that is like. Also understanding how difficult it is to try to put myself back together as an adult. Understanding that for anyone going through such experiences, never really leaves or goes away. Normalizing is like wearing masks so you fit into the world around you, so you can function in society. Thank you for sharing this video and your other videos. I believe it takes true courage and inner strength to do so, as it is for anyone to openly talk about abuse and mental health issues.

  12. It sounds like this guy was maybe confused himself and started taking it out on you. If you look him up now he will most likely be gay or bi

  13. Thank you for sharing this. I definitely relate to the occult etc. I began at age 12 and have been a practicing Witch since. Psychic ability is something I've developed all these years as a part of it all.

  14. I'm sorry for what happened to you. You are smart and beautyful and you didn't desirved any of this for you are so special.I can't belive that the people didn't help you!I hate those disgusting fucks who mock you just because you are different.They don't know your life like you do!They will never know.I hope you are better now.I just discoverd your channel and you impress me.Again i'm sorry for what happened and remember….there is a special place in hell for those fools

  15. I would've protected you if I was there. You are so amazing and strong. Just know that I am here if you ever need anyone, ever. Xoxo

  16. Hi πŸ™‚ you seem such a beautiful person, honest, vulnerable, profound, sensible (plus you are physically beautiful too!). Perhaps you could ask for help to a professional. Someone out there is able and willing to help you. Sorry about your past, life can be incredibly sad and unfear, but you have a future in front of you.Β You needs to go out from your hideout, find friends, someone who can love you as you are. You need the tiger`s claws more than the chameleon skin. Despite your sensible nature you could fight out there with your great brain Darling! And be prepare you will get disappointed again, for sure, c`est la vie! And so what?! Love also is out there πŸ˜‰ Lot of luck! (that helps a lot too).

  17. Autumn, you have chosen an ingenious way of interacting with YouTube. You seem to be incredibly seclusive, but selectively reveal extremely difficult personal material to hundreds of thousands of YouTubers. You are conducting an incredible personal experiment. You did state that you enjoyed doing the videos, and you are very good at them. I noted that this was made over 4 years ago, and I wonder how this YouTube experience is affecting your healing. Is it therapeutic? Maybe this is too personal to answer but I have worked in mental health for almost 50 years and I am interested in your experience.

    Thanks, Dr. G

  18. I wonder why this crazy kid from your school was so obsessed with you. Something was wrong with him. I can't imagine being that obsessed with someone else that I would hack their computer, fake their identiy on social media, etc.. wtf happened to him? Is he still a piece of shit or did he grow up and become a better person?

  19. Thank you so much for telling your story. The problem is the same for most introverts. Bullied and treated badly. Sadly we make the best friends EVER I would walk 10 mikes on broken glass to help a friend that needed me. But because we are so shy we don’t and can’t reach out bc the risk of being hurt, mocked, and humiliated. Which has all happened to me. I stay home and read books and watch YouTube and I’m not really living. But I don’t know HOW

  20. I feel like you were my friend, i have this strange and beautiful sensation. Also you make me relax talking about delicate themes,i don't know how you can do that. I wish you a lot of happiness and send my love to you. I'm italian, sorry if i haven't express myself accuratly.

  21. I long to hug you and I would be honored to be your friend. You are brave, thoughtful, compassionate, sensitive, strong, compelling, kind, genuine, beautiful outside and in and so much more. I feel honored to have watched this entire video. Thank you for your bravery and taking the time to share and walk us thru all these many memories of yours. I know it can be hard yet cathartic at the same time. You are a brilliant and unique human and I’m so glad to know you. You are a masterpiece here on this planet just as we all are just trying to decode our exact purpose so as to share our gifts a others. I think life is all about realizing true happiness comes when we decide to be more than 50% service to others, yet don’t forget to take care of ourselves w that other 40+% we have remaining. What state do you live in, if u don’t mind me asking? Pnl, darling xoxo

  22. You are so fascinating.So descriptive and I just don't know what to say, I am bipolar and borderline and I am really learning a lot from these videos. Your amazing and totally connective.And even though your reading from your own personal script your still very truthful I feel and I see now my own youth was a lot like yours. Thank you for these vids.

  23. Is it weird that I can't take my eyes off her eyebrows? They're so… Symmetrical. And dark, how the hell did she do that?!

  24. you are amasing person and i wonder how you doing so great after all you have been through.if i had a chance i would protect you with my life.

  25. Thank you for the honesty, i wish i could be with you and listening to you, i'm going to see all your video, my god this one it's from 5 years ago, why i didn't know you?!

  26. HI!
    First of all, sorry 4 my poor english, im from Norway πŸ˜€ LOL
    Just want to say I think you're incredibly tough showing your vulnerability <3
    I'm a born woman, but much of what you're telling is very similar to my story / past.
    I isolate myself 99% of the time i too … i have anxiety, complex traume, ptsd, but never had a diagnose of anything else, but know got Disosiasion or what the name is.. My story may be a little moore tragic, but scary how similar… I am finally loving my self. <3 Nobody can hurt me like before just because now finally love my self <3 almost 40 years it took me to get here. And clean of heroin for over 2, soon 3years πŸ˜‰ Stay strong sister! <3 Just remeber this 4 words: You are GOOD ENOUGH!!! just as u are! BIG SUMMERHUGZ from Norway <3 :* πŸ˜€

  27. You are absolutely amazing! Never allow anyone to dictate your future for you you are the only one who can do that

  28. Trauma is never easy to express, but your courage will inspire many. I wish you joy and happiness. Thanks for sharing.
    Bless up!

  29. Autumn, you are awesome. I love learning about your life and the fact that you share yourself in this manner is beautiful. You are beautiful.

  30. I can’t understand why this persons grandparents didn’t get them therapy. It’s clear there was substantial abuse early on that set up this anti-self mental condition. Conflicts between who one is and who others expect them to be should have been addressed when they were young.

  31. Good on you for sharing your experiences, nobody deserves to go through what you went through. People can be so cruel, but good on you for working towards overcoming the effect it all had on you x

  32. I kind of am wondering with all the issues going on with school, why didn't you or your family get you out of school and either homeschool or choose an alternative school, why go through all of that torment if you didn't have to?

  33. Aw, love to you, sweetie. Thanks for sharing your story. I wish you many blessings and pure joy in the big bright light of YOU. πŸ’•βœ¨

  34. This may be one of the most emotional stories I have heard. We have so much in commom and so much to relate with each other. I even find incredible and almost unbelieavle that you are still alive after all that, which is the same for me.
    I could go on and on but I don't want to make it all about myself… But about you. It must have taken a lot of courage to do this, and I'm glad you did. I… I really don't know what else to say, I want to but dont know what.

  35. I just found your channel though this vid. I already love you! Your are so strong and you give me hope that I can make it through this shitπŸ’•

  36. Hey keep your mind open that eventually you might just meet someone cool that will love you and you'll love them. Me and my boyfriend do not let anyone be to close to either of us because of how mean spirited so many people are. We were even mean to each for a short time. Thats when we both purged ourselves of everyone else but each other. We both do not let anyone else into our lives. Of course we have to interact with other humans but im pretty sure we will always keep away from most people. My boyfriend went threw horrible abuse as a kid and went threw many issues to heal them. If going threw a gender change helps you be and feel as a more complete whole person thats great. Im sorry this world has so many mean people. Theres also so many hurt people that need true sincere kindness. Just know being sincere with others is always the best. Thanks for sharing it helps us both to hear your story. Someday maybe we will share more about ourselves to help others. I think if we knew you we could all maybe be friends. You seam like the type of person anyone who is sincere would like to know or have as a friend. Thanks again.

  37. I have had an extremely similar experience and symptoms. I’ve tamed my symptoms without medication and I’ve studied and philosophized about mental health extensively. I would really love if we could get in contact. Im not trans but I had similar bullying, household issues, and similar delusions. I don’t see psychosis/mania so much as bad thing all the time and I don’t think it’s about being crazy. I could quickly show you what I mean. Even with getting into magic, many people are into religion they are just xenophobically against all other possible forms of β€œmagic”. Now I used to have telekinetic delusions and eventually stopped believing in it. It wasn’t super crazy tho. Education just showed me why it’s unlikely and I had no way to convince myself it was true. I wouldn’t even consider the telekinetic thing a delusion. Simply a stepping stone of progress for my curiosity.

    I plan to manifest grandeur and I can show you why people with genes related to mental health problems may have potential for this. Even that this may be their role genetically, to serve our society with their deviation from norms so we may cause progress in both ethics and science. People fear differences as a safety mechanism and so they bully the different people because sometimes acting different is dangerous. Especially if this were the natural world.

    I’m really barely touching on this stuff and I am attempting to both say something meaningful to you, while also trying to avoid looking crazy myself haha. I assure you I am not crazy, I am fine. My life is going relatively well and all.

    You are not superhuman and perhaps not special on some magical level, but you may have cognitive tendencies that allow you to be innovative and progressive which is all about deviating from the crowds. Those who are pure manic would tend to not face a negative life and still be totally over confident and building in narcissism. Those who suffer are a lot more cautious and can adopt schizophrenic tendencies. I can show you from a biological level how this works if you check my website out.

    I’m glad I found your video. Thank you for posting this. Hopefully you’ll see this message! If you reply I’ll link my contact or website where you can find my ideas.

  38. Autumn you're such a brave person. I have DID and PTSD and was abused as a child and I feel your pain. I'm so glad you're okay enough to share this thank you.

  39. Thank you for your honesty. I suffered like you a lot of bulling in grades 7and 8. This was primarily emotional, mostly from the opposite sex, they could get me aroused, sometimes in the class room, then they would laugh and make fun of me. I find that this still effects me as an adult. I find myself unable to have intimate relationships. trapped in the trauma of those early years. High school was better but my ability for closeness still is there

  40. The way you talk about the fragments of your memory …. This is how I talk about my life ( although different circumstances) a lot of your trauma I sincerely relate too. Thank you for going through the details, so many others talk about their D.I.D but few talk about their trauma. Or having any messed up, missing, obsolete memory problems.

  41. similar physical abuse happened to when I was a kid wasn't quite that bad but at when point it did get to the point where I felt so angry and threatened for my life that I wanted to kill someone!

  42. Me to my childhood was also traumatic I can't remember anything….I only remember me standing in the corner of the room with fear and tears in my eyes and my arms were bruised because my mom kept hurting me I only felt safe at school but they didn't know what happened to me at home in fact school became home for me and not my auctual home I'm 12 now still trying my best to stay alive when I don't want to

    Child services came to my home 4 times

  43. Dearie you are NOT a "Transgender" It is impossible for a person to be "Transgender" and it cannot be done Don't take my word for it, have your gender lab checked and you will find it is the same as it has always been

  44. i watched the whole video.jean paul sartre has a quote that "hell is other people".appreciable people in our lives are so few
    as to be enough to count on fingertips,my own observation as well as experience. we (your youtube watchers )are your friends.

  45. Wow so proud of you for sharing. I'm giving you hugs and love. You're truly amazing! I really feel sad for what you went through.

  46. Autumn, I am very sorry for your traumatic childhood. Please go to Our Heavenly Father He is waiting to love you and be there for you. Go to Jesus for Salvation. He died for all of us. πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌπŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸŒ΄πŸŒΉπŸŒΉπŸŒ»πŸŒ»πŸŒΉπŸŒ΄πŸŒ΄πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌπŸ¦πŸ¦πŸ¦πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ€¦β€β™€οΈπŸ€¦β€β™€οΈπŸ€¦β€β™€οΈπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯πŸ˜₯

  47. Your eye brows are perfect. Did you shape them yourself or use stamps? I love the shape, I need that shape, lol. Honest! Annyway, of course I'm listening, and you have my sympathy! People, especially kids can be so cruel. Keep getting better. May the Lord heal you.πŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌπŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸ¦‹πŸŒ΄πŸŒΉπŸŒ»πŸŒΉπŸ¦‹πŸŒ΄πŸŒΉπŸ¦‹πŸŒ»πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’’πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

  48. Aww, my heart hurts for you! I have an anxiety disorder and am on meds for it. Years ago before I got meds I ended up staying in my house for one month at least. It is called agoraphobia. It actually is fear of panic attacks, because they are so nasty! I suffer from ptsd, which caused my anxiety disorder. Anyway, if you start reading the Holy Bible, you will beco e better. That I know from experience! Have a beautiful day, stay strong, and remember Jesus loves you and died for you! Sincerely Sheree Caves.

  49. Gee Autum your lifestyle has a lot of similarities to mine when at school – except I was raised in mind control cult and had to isolate for religous reasons. I still today have no close friends, numerous family issues – so I never see them, plus childhood and school abuse a mile long. Plus, I like Goths and I'm into the Occult. However I've not had any sex change, being the same guy I was always born as. My fantasy was to marry a Goth – Lol – but my religion stopped it and when I eventually left I was to old for most Goths, so I thought I would become a Satanist instead – just to be anti-Christian. Overall I was pretty fucked up too.

  50. I am praying for you. I think you are an amazing strong interesting person. I can relate to alot of things you went through. I'm sorry you had to deal with all of this. Hugs

  51. breaks my heart as me being a mother of two boys . NO ONE Should have to go through this im so sorry you had to deal with this bullshit !! everyone has the same blood running through our bodies ! im a new Subscriber ! your so beautiful thank you for sharing !!! love ya

  52. 5Β½Yrs since its Dec.2013 posting here on YouTube, this life-review is poignant and captivates me. I applaud you, Autumn, for overcoming the adversity you have faced. Clearly your journey continues, and from this and others of your videos we know it is not smooth sailing but of ongoing struggle. Yet, your story truly is one of triumph, an inspiration to many, I am sure. Stay true to yourself, and may your light keep shining…

  53. i am disgusted by people and so sorry you had to endure this pain. youre such strong, beautiful individual inside and out <3

  54. Just want to say that I was a bully and got bullied as well. My childhood is filled with traumatic experiences in the range of what you have said: sexual, psychological, emotional and verbal.

    I'm very happy for you that you're safe and that you're doing therapy. Keep going at it and for sure things will improve. <3

  55. As I watch your video, I can actually understand, your life, I grew up with a narcissist father, you are a sweetheart, I understand how you love being alone, I do the same thing, it took me 50 years to over come what happened in my past

  56. Wow, you are so brave and courageous to tell your story! I’m so proud of you for believing in yourself to tell your heart wrenching story to help so many people who can relate to one thing or another from your story. You are an awesome survivor of trauma. You didn’t deserve any of the abuse you suffered. You deserved understanding, kindness, gentleness, patience, and loving you for who you are. You were created with purpose and a God given talent to story tell and to speak up against the many forms of abuse, bullying, and violence. And you are very insightful to the reasons you are transgender. I haven’t heard anyone say this like you have, but it makes a lot of sense. I’m going to share this video with someone else who is transgender as well and I hope they’ll be able to relate to your story and not feel alone. Never give up! There is hope and you are a living testimony of a beautiful survivor of abuse and making a difference in this world! I hope you are getting therapy or will get it, with all you have been through. Praying for your continued healing! God bless you.

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