My Dysphoria


What colour is the background gonna be today? Red? Pink? Orange? Purple? Blue? The answer is blue. It’s gonna be blue. Alright guys, today we have an unscripted video. I recently shot an unscripted video and it felt good, so I’m gonna see if this is a thing I do more often. Without a script between us, it feels like we’re really connecting and everything I’m saying is organic and off-the-cuff and real. And I feel like you’re a friend more this way. You also may notice that I’m naked. And that’s because we’re gonna be talking about dysphoria and I want to be really with… my body. I don’t want any of my issues to be able to hide under clothes, I want it all front and center for me to deal with and for me to be unable to ignore. For those of you unfamiliar, -*clicks tongue* plug- dysphoria is… You give the book five stars? That’s good. Distress or unhappiness experienced because one’s gender does not match their sex and/or gender assigned at birth. There are two main types of dysphoria: social dysphoria is triggered by social situations. So people using the wrong pronouns, or the wrong name, ect. And body dysphoria is related to one’s body. It occurs when gender identity clashes with physical appearance. That is mainly what we’ll be talking about today. We’ll start with hair. I used to have a lot of dysphoria surrounding my hair. This poem kind of sums up my relationship and my old feelings with my hair: [brief piano interlude] Perfect girls with perfect curls who’d whirl their ringlets around the playground and convince me my elementary was composed of carbon-copy models straight from Clairol commercials. [brief piano interlude] But if you guys haven’t watched that yet, basically I used to… have really long hair just because I thought that’s what girls were supposed to have. I remember the issue started when I was in about… second grade, I think? And I just felt like my hair was frizzy, and all over the place, so I put it up in a ponytail one day just because I didn’t want to deal with it, and the next day I woke up and I felt the same way and I was just like “okay, I’ll keep my hair up in a ponytail until this passes.” But… it never passed. From then on, I never liked my hair, and I wore it up in a ponytail every single day for eleven years. And you can feel free to look if you don’t believe me. There are only a couple videos online with my hair down and that’s because I was trying to love my hair, I was trying to embrace my long hair, but it just didn’t work. And there are absolutely no Instagrams with my hair long and down when I’m in social situations. Maybe if I just like rolled out of bed my hair might be down, but you can never find a picture of me out and about with my hair down, it just didn’t happen. Before Instagram was born, there were a few days in high school where I did show up with my hair down and because I’d always worn my hair up, I got lots of attention, and that was another thing I hated. I hated all the attention. One, just because it was a lot of attention, and two, because I didn’t believe any of the compliments that would come out of people’s mouths. They’d be like “oh my gosh, you look so pretty, you should do that more often!” And because I didn’t like my hair and because I didn’t see my hair as pretty, all I felt like they were saying was “oh, this is different, I better acknowledge it and say something that I don’t really mean. I’ll just day she’s pretty! Mneiugh!” Because I didn’t think my hair was cute, I thought it was impossible for other people to genuinely believe my hair was cute. And they would use really feminine words like gorgeous and beautiful, some people would say I actually look like a girl like this, and that was awkward too, cause it felt too girly. And sometimes it was just rude, “you actually look like a girl now! Haha! Fuck you!” And on those days in which I did try to wear my hair down, I was always like hyper-self conscious. I felt like I felt like I couldn’t move my head. Becau- *laughs* because I was like aware of every stand of hair falling on my shoulders, that existed, that was getting in my face, that might’ve been out of place, I was like constantly brushing my hair and holding my hair down, and it was just everywhere and I felt trapped and smothered by it and I was just like “yep, I wore my hair down today. Everyone’s looking at me. Everyone’s talking to me. I’m so uncomfortable. I’m not paying attention to anything the teacher is saying or anything my friends are talking to me about at lunch, all I’m thinking about is my hair. Hair, hair, hair.” It was just constantly in the forefront of mind, which also made me feel weird because I felt like no one else was so obsessed with their hair the way I was, so something must have been wrong with me. Eventually that just lead me to give up and always wear my hair in a ponytail, and I still didn’t like my hair in a ponytail or in a side braid or a side ponytail, I still never felt hair confident or… attractive. But at least it was under my control and i could like, manipulate it when I put it in a ponytail. I was like “if I have to have this hair that I hate so much, it’s gonna listen to the things I say. It’s gonna get locked in an elastic band and it’s gonna be hair sprayed to death and it’s gonna do what I tell it to do!” And that went on for eleven years until finally, I met Grace. And.. I…teased her a little bit with the idea of chopping off all of my hair And I told her that that was like a fantasy i’d always had. And she was the very first person in my life to be like “Do It!” “Just Do It” Everyone else had always been like: ” Honestly i don’t know if you can pull it off.” or : ” Well that’s a big step. Make sure you really want to do it it you’re thinking about going through with it” Truthfully, if not for Grace I don’t know if I ever would’ve cut off my hair Which would’ve been such a shame because it was the right choice. It was so what i was supposed to do, what I was meant to do I am meant to have short hair It’s awesome, I encourage you to find partners and friends in your life that want you to do whatever makes you happy. And now I no longer feel hair dysphoria. It’s soooo cool. Sure, some days my hair looks awkward or doesn’t cooperate, I certainly have bad hair days. But, It’s never dysphoric. There’s a huge difference between being dysphoric about something and just- – Not liking something. Or not thinking something looks cute that day. Now when I have bad hair days, I don’t feel super cute but my hair still feels like it belongs to me. And I have hope that in the future I can look cute and this is just a bad hair day When I had long hair I truly thought I could never be cute and I would cry because I thought I was an ugly person And I had to have this hair that didn’t feel like mine and could never feel like mine My bad hair days aren’t traumatic and sad and they don’t make me worthless And that’s normal! Your bad hair days shouldn’t- be attatched to feeling forever ugly… … and worthless. So that’s, I supppose, the difference between dysphoria and just not liking something. Or having a not cute day.. … with that thing Does that make sense? So no more hair dysphoria. Yay! But I do experience other kinds of body dysphoria I dont like my womanly hips or my bootylicious butt or my big boobs. * Calm Outro Music*

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Comments

  1. I don't hate my body extremely. I just don't like it. I don't like my breats or my "female appearance". I don't like my voice because it's to high and I don't like it when people say to me I'm a girl. Is that dysphoria? I don't know. But I know that I want a Male body or a Male name or a deep voice. But I don't know if this is dysphoria.

  2. I support anyone’s decision but I don’t understand the hair thing. If it bothered you that much for 11 years why not just cut it?????? No one was forcing you to have long hair nor would anyone care if your hair was short/long or bald 🤷🏻‍♀️

  3. hahaha OMG I have the same with my hair!! I stil do have it kinda long, but it is 99% of the time in a ponytail 😉 You are not weird. Or we both are 😛

  4. I mean how did u do that without your parents getting mad what im saying is im not sure if they will like it if i do but its my choice but ughh😖

  5. New to the channel and watching these in reverse temporal order. Who are these people who felt it was their job to dump on you? Is attractive a good word? Not one of the pictures you showed were you unattractive. Not trying to blow sunshine up your nether regions, just calling it like I see it. I get that "not feeling comfortable in your own skin" thing. I've got a ways to go myself. Now, in late 2018/early 2019 videos, you seem pretty happy. Best wishes on a great 2019.

  6. i think one of the main reason i am hesitate to cut my hair short is i think because people always compliment me on how pretty and long it is and people often don't compliment me so it feels nice. also i am not i guess society's ideal beauty in a lot of ways so by cutting my hair it feels like i am cutting the "one pretty thing about me" and i want to be seen as pretty and i know it will grow back but still….
    This turned into a small rant and thanks if you read till the end.

  7. It’s hard to go places if u feel different about yourself and people going start looking at you weird like I want long hair tbh I have short hair right now and it makes me feel different about myself

  8. I always wear my hair up. I hate it and want to cut it, but parents are weird. One day I wore it down and, not kidding, half of my class thought I was a new kid. The rest of the people said I should wear it down more.
    Little did they know I wanted to burn my hair off when I wore it down. I will sometimes use a beanie to make my hair look short.

  9. Oh my god…. I never even realized it but I wore my hair in a ponytail every single day for a decade and didn’t know why until now (except for when I cut it short when I was 14 and had to suffer that hair growth period before cutting it finally and permanently). I love your videos

  10. I felt this same with my hair. I fucking hated it to have long hair and now since 4 years I have short hair and I feel really good about it <3

  11. 1. I never really thought of gorgeous as a feminine word and up to this moment never realized that other people did.

    2. The feeling of believing everyone is noticing and looking and you're super uncomfortable, because they're going to talk to you just because of this thing is so very familiar. You discribed that so we'll that now I understand disphoria more on a personal level.

    3. You are super attractive looking with your short hair and I think it fits you very well./ I'm super happy for you finding what makes you feel more like you.

  12. ive been wanting to cut my hair short my whole life… and ive never got the balls to cut it.. and ues everyone keeps telling ill regret it, so i just dont cut it…

    btw love you 😍❤

  13. SAME, like i have really thick hair and i HATED it when it was long. Like my family was like "don't cut your hair it's so gorgeous and thicc" Thank god i chopped it all away I am so much happier now with my hair and myself.

  14. I don’t really know my gender I have always felt like I was meant to be a boy or sounded like a boy and I’ve always hated my hair to when I chopped it short I felt me you know but now it’s long now and I always wear my hair up to

  15. I was the exact same way with my hair. Literally. I wore it in a ponytail every day for so long that I literally straightened the shit out of my Ashkenazi curls.

  16. ash isn't describing dysphoria, she's saying that she didn't like long hair. that's not dysphoria. a hair preference isn't dysphoria.

  17. We'll I'm pretty sure I have body disphoria…. I have a problem with my hair and boobs… #1… I REALLY want to cut my hair like a guys… It dosent feel like me rn… I look way to much like a girl, #2… I wear baggy hoodies to hide the fact that I have boobs… If I wear a shirt that is tighter and actually feel like a girl I will be depressed all day and not feel like me………. And I'm only 13……. Life's fun

  18. i had hair that was over 3 feet long and one day i just went in the bathroom by myself and chopped it all off lol. my mom was like WHAT DID YOU DOOOOOooooo… but i havent looked back and have been lovin' having short hair ever since. (this wasalso right after highschool and in my early 30s now so …been doing the short hair thing almost as long as i did the long hair thing … honestly i liked my long hair mostly because it was thick and black and i used it as a curtain and hid behind it lol. dont feel like i have to hide anymore

  19. Is wanting to keep your hair up a common thing among people with dysphoria surrounding their perceived gender? I've just recently started growing my hair out after having it short for around 6 years, and every time it got long enough to put up, I did. Now my hair is almost shoulder length and I never feel comfortable with it down all the way even though I've been told it looks fine or even good. People said I looked much younger/androgynous with short hair and I don't know if I've been growing it out for myself or for the people who said I looked better with longer hair.

  20. It’s interesting for me to re-watch the video that made me realize I had dysphoria, especially since when I did, I thought I was nonbinary, maybe leaning on the girl side.
    Oof small me, you were so so wrong.

  21. I agree with everything but I don’t think you can necessarily have hair dysphoria only because hair doesn’t define gender.
    But I agree with everything you said about it. No hate lol I love you dude

  22. 6:24 – Ash oh my god you look like Denmark from Hetalia.

    I'm sorry, excuse my otaku fangirling right then.

  23. I need some advice….
    Watching this video is helping me understand that I really hate my hair, but I’ve never thought it was dysphoria, i thought it was just because it was annoying and I was lazy. How do I know if it’s dysphoria? Do I have to have other dysphorias? I want to understand but I’m so confused and overwhelmed…..

  24. I always wear my hair up, always. It is EXTREMEMLY rare I wear my hair down. And when i do, i feel trapped, exactly as Ash described, constantly making me feel like it doesnt look good. I cut my hair for charity three years ago, and i LOVED it. I am female, I cant say I'm sure, but right now, I am female. My mum wont let me cut my hair at all, because of a prom in two years, that I am not even going to. She says that it is just a whim I want, although this 'whim' has been going on for the last 2 years. If this is how hair dysphoria feels, I'm not sure what to do. Please, anyone, give me any tips you can think of, I need them right about now…

  25. Wow
    My hair is short now
    But when you told when you said why you had disforia it kinda klickt
    I cutted my hair of becouse i didn't liked how it was
    Curly at the bottom and flat at the top
    Now it is short!!!
    So much better
    Maybe i hadnt disphoria but defently in that dirextion

  26. I think I've kind of always had the opposite problem. I always believed I was only ever going to attractive with long hair. Then I decided to shave it off to raise money for charity. And it was pretty liberating. I actually kept it shaved for about 7 months before I started the regrowth. Having no hair forced me to face up to what I actually looked like. It made me realise I could feel attractive and have a buzz cut. It helped a lot with some of my dysphoria and even through the awkward growing out stages I have been able to make some degree of peace with what my face actually looks like. 🙂

  27. i have the same with my hair i wear it in a pony tail i had long hair i was on 1 moment i say i gonna cut my hair of and now im so happy with it

  28. I always wanted to cut my hair short even shooter than it is rn. I hated having long hair I plan to get a boy's hair style next year when I'm 18. N when I started to go through puberty I cried cuz I knew what it meant, no flat chest. My mom wants me to be more girly but I'm not always feeling femenine. I'm genderfluid n my mom can't know since she's against all LGBT+…. I can't wait till I have freedom. I know things won't fully go away, but life will be better once I'm 18.

  29. HAHAH I'm dysphoric about my hair because it looks like a lesbian haircut …;-; I just cried 30 min because of that

  30. I was at a pride event today. There was a white nationalist group there screaming about how God hates us (gays). So I went up to one of them and gave him a hug. Beat that, people!

  31. i just found your channel today and have been binge watching for 6 or 7 hours never commented until now hair dont define a person i am female i feel female i want to be female my hor is long i hate it i keep it in a pony tail just waiting for my hair grow 1 more inch so i can chop off pont tail and donate it long hair is overrated lol

  32. You two are sooooooo darn cute. I don't mean to insult your intelligence, but you especially ASH. You are soooooo animated. You speak well and the flow of your speech is easy to listen to.

  33. Your short hair and now flat chest suit you honestly, you seem much more free and happier and you grew into yourself. And your outward appearance seems much more natural, when I saw your past self I remembered I would watch u all the time and now I’m watching u again but you seem so much different and honestly so much better. I’m so happy for you, your finally living your best life, and you inspire me.

  34. The thing in the beginning how you were talking about your hair…
    I feel the same way… but instead of hair it’s almost my whole body…. or just me in general…

    I just want my hair short… and have my two lumps removed…. =3=

  35. Every people that I find that has dysphoria with their bodies has such giant boobs.
    And I feel kinda sad, because I'm a girl, but I'm too flat.
    I want to say them: Give it to me (;-;)

  36. i had basically the opposite of this. i had long hair and i didn't like it being put up bc i thought that it was too feminine and it showed my face too much. id hide behind my hair and always feel uncomfortable in it. this year in (grade 11) i cut it at chin length and it felt amazing. id like to go shorter, maybe a similar style to what's in this video. but my parents would never let me do that. right now my hair looks like "surfer dude" hair and im pretty happy with it. i think i might be non binary, i wear mens clothes and hate my chest and want shorter hair but i don't feel like a "man" nor a "woman" my best friend is helping me figure it out and he's using new pronouns and even a new masculine nickname for me. i have a feeling this journey will kick into full swing once i get out of the house and into collage where i can be myself

  37. That's so crazy that everyone was like don't cut your hair! haha hair grows back.. time.. but if you cut it off and don't like it its a few months to a year. These people sound like yuck..

  38. Okay so I am a sucker for long hair, but that is when people are happy and comfortable with it. I haven't been watching this channel for very long but it is clear that you look better all round with short hair. You seem more open not just with your viewers but your self and I really respect that

  39. I just recently cut my hair. But I used to have SUPER long, red, curly hair. I ALWAYS wore my hair up, I hate when it was in my face. Whenever I wore it down I would get SOOO much attention for it, so I can relate to you in that sense. It didn't come to my attention until recently that I didn't like my hair how it was. I recently cut it to my shoulders, and I love it so much more than I did! If you want to cut your hair, do it! If you don't like it, it will grow back!

  40. Omggg, You were super adorable when you were a child (like a younger sister adorable even tho you're older than me lol)

  41. … I consider myself cisgender, but I've always struggled with my presentation of that gender. I wish I could look more androgynous, but my body shape is … matronly. I look like I should be a Bavarian peasant woman with toddlers balanced on my hips. I wish I could wear men's clothes, but my frame doesn't allow it.

    I have always had medium-long hair and I am almost always wearing it up in a bun or ponytail because I feel too self conscious with it down. When I try on really feminine clothing, I always feel like it looks wrong. Sometimes if put my hair down with a feminine outfit, I feel like I look more how I'm supposed to but I feel less like me. I'm debating getting a haircut, but it's scary. I don't know how it will look but it's also societal. With long hair, it is so much easier to blend in as straight and avoid uncomfortable attention.

  42. Ash! I totally get your struggles with hair, but the reverse with MtF
    I remember when my mum wanted to take me to see if I would like a cool guys’ hairstyle. I used to freak out, and after the cut the next day, everyone kept complimenting me on my “fresh trim”; but I hated it even though everyone said I looked so handsome. Even when they said “handsome”, I hated it.

  43. I hate my boobs and my hair and my…. UHH ya know nor my butt or hips…..I just don’t like my body…is that technically dysphoria? Or no…?

  44. Really late to this but when I used to have long hair and someone complemented it my response would always be "thanks, I hate it"

  45. Your hair looks great 😍
    This video was so relatable for me. I used to have really long hair too and l HATED it, and no matter what I tried (dyeing it to different colors, trying curly/straight) nothing worked. And then I just decided to cut it off, and I can honestly say that now I really love it.

  46. I’m not allowed to cut my hair the way I want (like yours). It’s a big cause of dysphoria for me. I hate it. I wear it in a bun every day. I’m so tired of it.

  47. I get attention as well when I have my hair down because everyday I put it in a ponytail. One day one of the teachers asked me when I’ll wear it down again.

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