Not “Depressed” Enough? | My DEPRESSION


You know how people say, “You’re not good enough to be talented” or “You’re not fearless enough to be brave” or “You’re
not trans enough to be trans.” Well, I feel like that for depression. Maybe I’m not
depressed enough to suffer from depression. But I’m getting too ahead of
myself. Let me start by telling you how I experience depression. Typically, it
starts with a trigger. Some of the triggers I have include stress and
anxiety, but I don’t realize that until later. In the moment, the episode of
depression seems random or without reason. Anyway, it starts in my head and
then it hangs in my chest–this heavy feeling. I get moments when I hear myself
say, “I just want to cry” and so I attempt to revert back to my content and happy
state through music or keeping busy. But the sadness just compounds until tears
break free from its bonds and I feel overwhelming helplessness. Then I think,
“This is depression,” which is quickly countered with, “But I’m not depressed
enough.” It’s a mental skirmish as I stare at the names in my contacts (list). I want help so bad but also I’m afraid of always bothering people with my problems.
So more tears. Most of the time though, I hit a point of quiet calmness. I breathe
ever so deeply. I wipe my tears. I have made it to the other side; I made it
through another one, and I feel like maybe I can tackle the things that have
been weighing me down. It’s a quiet resolution. But it’s not
over. There will be more episodes, and I want to talk about it. According to
the American Psychiatric Association, depression or major depressive disorder
is “a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the
way you think and how you act.” This definition is followed by a list of
possible symptoms and a subsection on how depression is different from just
sadness. I don’t talk about depression to a lot of people but what I usually hear
is that depression is rather numbing than the mere experience of feeling sad.
That is, you want to feel something rather than you feeling something. It
could also result in a “paralyzing” effect, where you don’t want to go out of bed or
do the activities that used to be fun for you. I don’t have these symptoms. I do
lose motivation to perform what I feel I must do to improve my life but I can
still enjoy activities I like… and I feel weighed down by sadness, not numbness.
It’s this perceived gray area where I’m not sure whether I deserve to use the
label “depression,” especially when I have not been properly diagnosed. People throw around the word “depressed” so often, it can lose its clinical meaning, which a
number of people with depression dislike in part because it encourages people to
say to them, “Just be happy” and thus taking away from the seriousness of the
issue… which is why I don’t want to misuse the label, but at the same time, I feel
using this label validates my emotions experiences and that there’s a community
who feels similarly. I feel belongingness and estrangement
all at the same time. I hope this makes sense and I’d like to hear your thoughts
on depression. I want to learn more about this and what your experiences are like,
so please share your knowledge and experience in the comments section (below) or on social media! (Instagram) If you made it to this part of the
podcast, thank you so, so much for sticking around!
It means so much to be heard and I want to hear from you too! So what I would
like to do now is to comment on one thing I’m grateful for, just to end this
episode on a lighter note. This is practice I hope to incorporate in all my
podcast episodes, so stay until the end for these and definitely feel free to
play along too in the comments section, on social media, or your own podcast if you
decide to create one. Okay, so today I’m grateful for taking care of myself by
eating. Sometimes during times when sadness weighs me down, I just want to
lay down and pass the time away, basically neglecting myself. As I record
this today, I finally got myself to eat breakfast at 11:30 a.m., even though I
have been awake and hungry for about 3 to 4 hours. But hey, I did it; it’s there
and sometimes you need to acknowledge that that is success already, however
small it is. It is not mediocrity if you tried your best. But that’s another
conversation for another week. If you’d like me to share my thoughts on that, let
me know in the comments section. Anyway, thanks again for joining the ride! Please
leave a like if you liked, and if you’re new here, please subscribe for more
episodes. See you all in the next one, byeee!

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Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing in this! Sorry to hear that you’re going through all this.
    For what it’s worth though, even with all you’re experiencing, you still managed an earlier breakfast than me (cuz I’m lazy). So pat yourself on the back for that one! You beat me to it!

  2. Oh my heart! You have me and you know it! 😢. You aren’t bothering me with your problems, I will be your ears

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