On Still Being a Virgin


When the sexual revolution began in the 1960s,
there was a standard understanding of what should happen: ‘sexual liberation’ would
mean that people would be freed to have more of the sort of sex they really liked, that
is, with more partners and with less embarrassment. But what was overlooked is that this kind
of sexual liberation might, along the way, create its own restrictions, taboos and, so
to speak, varieties of imprisonment. The people targeted would not be those who wanted to
have more sex but those who – for a variety of reasons – either didn’t want to, or
weren’t able to, have the amount of sex now strongly deemed so-called ‘normal’.
Sexual liberation, while driven by a desire to free us of moralistic judgement, ended
up – quite unwittingly – putting us in a new kind of straightjacket, insisting not
that we have no sex, as moralists of old had thundered, but that we feel wholly at ease
around the prospect of making love frequently and diversely. It now became as shameful to
admit that one wasn’t having sex as it had once been shameful to say, outside of marriage,
that one was. Stigma continued, shame too, they just changed their targets. At the heart
of this newly stigmatised group, there was a figure of particular mockery and opprobrium:
the belated virgin, someone who has by accident or design reached their 20s and still not
yet been to bed with anyone. This shame has nothing to do with statistics. Surveys estimate
that as many as 15% of the population between 20 and 25 remain virgins. The point isn’t
how many virgins there are – there are clearly many – but rather the extent to which they
have been made to feel wretched and inadequate. The goal of true sexual liberation, the sort
we should all be interested in, is not to shift stigma around, it is to remove all stigma
around all consensual sexual choices. True liberation means liberating us not just to
have sex a lot, with different partners, in ecstatic clinches, but also to not have sex
or to have sex quite late on or, for that matter, to have bad or inept or clumsy sex
– and never to feel bad on this account. True sexual liberation should liberate us
not just to be athletic and tantric and polyecstatic – but also to be weird, reclusive, interestingly
shy, intelligently embarrassed and about as peculiar as we want to be – and still retain
the right to honour and like ourselves. What we should aim for is to build a society
where we finally stop suffering so intensely around our sexuality, even if that sexuality
means we don’t want to, or haven’t yet managed to, have sex. That, and only that,
will mean true liberation. Did you know that The School Of LIfe is actually a place? 10 places in fact; campus’ all over the world from Melbourne to London, Taipei to Istanbul. With classes and books and much more…

About the author

Comments

  1. Chances are virgins lose their virginity to someone when they're in the heat of the moment. I don't want to say virgins lose their virginity to virgins because in the long run someone with experience will do them in first~

  2. Sexual liberation is about everyone doing their own thing, choosing whatever they want to and whatever they enjoy. it's not about liberating people who want to have lots of sex, and pressuring people who don't have sex or dont want to have sex

  3. 1 in 5 people have mental illness. It is not even about sex it is about lack of human touch. Our society is sick. It is not womens or mens fault.Also, remember music. Excitement for art. Passion is dead ,so it leads us to social anhedonia. It is really sad. if you are hitched or tied down. You are probably going to be sad too.

  4. Seriously tho, sometimes you are just unhappy with yourself that you just can't find someone. Not to have sex with but just someone that loves you back, it doesn't have to be as much as you love them

  5. I wish I didn't lose it so stupidly or at all, it won't be written on my skin so I managed to forget about it. Let's stay on semen retention and crush life all together!

  6. people think of us virgins as losers but at the end of the day we are the winners-there is nothing in the desert and no man needs nothing

  7. This video fails to understand that the majority of virgins are virgins by choice… of other people

  8. My problem isn't that I'm embarrassed that I'm not having sex–it's that I'm not having sex and other people are.

  9. I think the problem very often is not that people are voluntarily stigmatizing. Very often even those who would want to get intimate with someone of whom they know that they are still a virgin have problems overcoming their emotional programming that makes them feel that something just has to be wrong. Intellectually, we may very well overcome our stigmatizing behavior, but emotionally it is a totally different thing altogether; a little bit like the "friendzoning"-mechanic that goes something like: "I am sorry I cannot be with you and I would really very much want to be with you but I just cannot feel proper attraction (because XYZ, you're too nice, not the bad boy, etc….)"; often this might be due to an internalization of problematic social standards of love and sex; however, sometimes people can really be "too nice" for specific other people who do need a little more edges; painful to experience if you are being rejected, yet necessary to admit without self-loathing or cynicism. Considering their potential partners unfit for being too nice isn't just something that people experience who are unable to overcome their patterns of what love has to feel like (that include some dose of bad-boyism).

    And this is where love and sex are a little unfair. Virgins are deemed "strange" just as others are deemed "too nice" not just for social reasons but also for biological ones or psychological ones that are hard to overcome after a certain point. If you are lucky you make your first actual experiences in the field, let's say, with 15. This will make it easier for you later on, no matter your peculiarities, qualities, etc., simply because you don't carry the stain of the unlucky who don't. And vice versa, the years of experience can be substituted for a condensed lesson later on where maturity comes to your aid, yet still you will sometimes feel like the 60 year old trying to learn a new language – "it would have been a lot easier when you had started earlier". To conclude, in my opinion, the biggest difficulty is not overcoming the social stigma but the individual causes for why you couldn't live out your emotional and sexual needs the way you wanted to earlier and to make peace with that; only then can there be real sexual liberation… the biggest enemy is not society; it is your own inner demon. That is what I can say from personal experience.

  10. Dear people who reads the comments there is nothing wrong with being a virgin and trust me it a beautiful thing it just like being single it a blessing. Do you know that when you go around sleeping with whoever whenever it de ja vu because that person left there bad energy with you and it can follow you around for years also you commit a soul/spiritual bond with that person so be mind full being a virgin is not a bad thing am proud for not fitting in with society demand because it has nothing to do with being socially awkward or attractiveness that is kinda stupid and society don't need to rush kids, People they should have to choose between what they want and when it happened, if they trust that person and if they are willing to commit to each other.

  11. Thanks for this, I'm 32 and still a virgin and maybe I put too much stigma onto myself because of it. I want to give it less importance in my day to day because I know that I'm a good person, I've many people to tell me so.

  12. I'm 17y and I got abused as a child so I don't really let anyone get physically close to me. Even hugging and all that makes me uncomfortable. But I feel bad about being a virgin.

  13. I'm 29 and still a virgin. I'm scared the moment I get someone to take it, I won't let him purely out of attachment.

  14. Why people can't just get along and stop stigmatising eachother. You have sex – well, good for you. You don't have any – don't feel ashamed, it's not a big deal. Is it that hard or what. Why people always need some sort of black sheep to point fingers at.

  15. That's bullshit that it started with the sexual revolution. Even back in the 50s there was lots of stigma for guys to lose their virginity. I read Catcher in the Rye (published in the early 50s) and the main character was ashamed to be a 17 year old virgin.

    Sex has ALWAYS been a competition, especially for males. The sexual revolution just made it more open.

  16. I will die virgin i will keep it all time i can!!! FUCK FEMALES AND FUCK MALES!!!!!! No one will break me!!!!!!

  17. This is also in the realm of Sexual Orientations. People often are unclear that the last word is in regards to Your exploration in Your adolescence. The Fact is No One wait's because You are a part of Linear time. I was orifice inexperienced well into My 20's. I came out to a 24 y/o Asian Female when I was 21 that I was inexperienced. She asked Me the imperative question "Do You Masturbate?" I timidly replied "Uh, Yeah" She comforted Me and said "That's natural and all You really needed to do" She was Herself an already established Heterosexual Woman but She was in no way interested in pursuing any sexual relations with a Virgin Solosexual Male, nothing personal, She preferred an experienced Heterosexual Man. No words were needed for this but Allosexuals do need their rest assurance they will have their lifestyle needs fulfilled. Ass time went on I grew confident in My Solosexuality but I was merely Sex Curious. My teens have governed how I have been oriented.

  18. if anyone's a virgin, wants to be constantly monitored, never hurt because we're isolated and people praise us, then, can you message? i'm a musician changing the world for the better, ending senseless war, creating sense and fun, here comfortable in the u.s.
    looking for an image i think i'd be attracted to, different skin/eyes/hair color than I.
    this shouldn't be a trick, i'm a good guy, i really care about the world, vegan, and wants to build awesome communities, worldwide.
    i bring love to the world, let's see you argue.

  19. I lost my virginity at 27, and I realized that it’s only a social anxiety. When I focused on me, on being happy, on being confident and on not giving a damn about what society dictates, I met a girl and we remained together for five years.

    Do not feel pressurized to lose your virginity. That’s not advice, I command you! Literally any age is fine! Sex isn’t the goal of living, it’s only the vessel to keep life going. It’s just something that happens once you feel socially comfortable with yourself.

    In a way, it’s just like money: you don’t become rich when you focus on the dollars. It’s a byproduct of focusing on success. For sex or love it’s the byproduct of this: love and enjoy yourself, and be eager to introduce who you are to people around you, and show them the same “you” that you love! Trust me, they will get it too!

  20. I never wanna lose my virginity and idk why. I’m definitely not asexual and I have sexual desire but I just don’t feel like having sex.

  21. I'm 31 & I am still a virgin. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel like killing myself. Even though I am fit, have a bachelor's degree from college, drive a sports car, is looking to buy a house soon, have a good paying job, always take very good care of myself, dress very nice, exercise very hard & diet 5 times a week & do everything humaly possible to make myself attractive to women. & yet it still has not happened for me because I'm very shy & now I'm 31 years old & I'm still a virgin. I feel like a loser & a failure & I am considering committing suicide because I don't want to be abnormal, weird, & live as a joke, I would much rather just end it all & just die then live as a loser, a failure, a hopeless romantic, an inexperienced guy that no woman wants, & etc. I don't even want to celebrate my birthday because I will be a 32 year old virgin. (How pathetic & disgraceful)! I am a disgrace to my family & because I'm still a virgin, I am nearly 15 years behind all my friends, co-workers, all my brothers, & all of my male cousins too. No woman wants to be with a guy who is still a virgin in his 30's. If a beautiful woman doesn't love me, doesn't want me, doesn't find me attractive, then I don't deserve to live & I don't belong in this world. How do I live as a failure?? How do I live with such bad status??Does anyone agree with me that I should just kill myself for being a 31 Year old guy who is still a virgin??

  22. 22 woman and still a virgin here.. idk sometimes i kinda feel ashamed of it bc everyone around me has had sex and it sorta feels like im getting behind. But then at the same time im just not in a hurry. Im not unattractive at all but my self esteem on social situations is horrible, social anxiety and introversion.. hardly coming out to meet new people etc. It makes it that im not really good at making contact. I first kinda want to work on myself and my self esteem and after that maybe try meeting someone.

  23. sex is overrated period.
    no one should be shamed for being a virgin especially men because if you're a girl it's okay to be virgin bit men get a lot of shit for being one which is stupid
    also sex is beautiful with someone you really connect with or like otherwise I don't think it's meaningful or enjoyable

  24. when you're a virgin late you think things like that if you do finally find someone to do it with that they won't want you if they find out, or that you'll be a bad lover and they will be able to tell, but honestly there are plenty of people who would be fine to be with a virgin at whatever age, even honoured, and there are plenty of experienced people who are worse in bed than less experienced people.

  25. I am a female virgin approaching my twenties and I don't think I will ever understand why sex is so amazing. For me, it's not arousing or fun, it seems overrated. I never want to have a boyfriend/fiance/husband and I never want to have children (mainly because I don't want to be with a man and I don't want to be a single mother). I consider myself a responsible adult who makes responsible decisions and I do not understand why people view me as somewhat immature because I want to remain single and a virgin? Can someone really explain me what is so great about sex and having a boyfriend/girlfriend?

  26. a guy that I know fucked 500 – 1 , 000 differents girls , hes doing trips regulary , over all around the world to fuck the most as he can . why are girls so easy ? the reason ive always been a virgin is I belive 9999999999999.9 percents of girls got fucked by at least 50 + guys in their lifes , if I get a girl , ill say im a virgin , you ? oh well , I had 30 dif males before , already gtfo of my face whore , I don't want a shitty girl who never controlled herself and she always has her legs opened for any males around her

    one day ill find a virgin girl like me , if I discover she fucked a guy and she weren't a virgin , ill gladly slice her and burn her in my oven

  27. If you are a virgin, it's OK.
    If you've gained sexual experience (or as most folk would say "lost your virginity" – hate the term), it's OK.

    And if you don't judge/criticize someone who has a different path to you in terms of this subject, more power to you. That is true liberation, to me.

    *This goes to both men AND women.

  28. the sexual liberation movement is vastly complicated which aims to battle actual stigma directed more towards sex workers, queer folx or women. but this video somehow manages to trivialise it by comparing its plights to the insecurities of virgins??

  29. I lost my virginity at 29.
    I didn't like being a virgin but was too shy and incompetent to do anything about it.
    The advent and growth of online dating was a tremendous catalyst for me.
    All of a sudden, I could use my love of writing to seduce and set up dates.
    It was a real adventure.

  30. Ya I'm a 30 yr old virgin and know several others and I'm open about it to break this ridiculous stigma. I feel like 98% of "broken" stigmas aren't broken just like the video said retargeted. Lik for example a lot of people felt trapped from religion and now it seems taboo to have faith in anything. It's just been reversed. I have no problem being a virgin it's just a shame the world does. Most guys my age typically want experienced women. Nothing wrong with that just the pool shrinks incredibly it feels for women like me

  31. I’m about to be 21 but never had sex or had a real relationship with someone but I don’t give a shit about anyone else anymore

  32. I mean it's great to be sexless and okay with it, but humans (especially males) are driven biochemically to want it. If they don't get it, there's a good chance that they won't feel great about it, no matter where the societal shame happens to be.

    Oh well, see y'all on Tinder

  33. We live in a society which having more sex and more sex partners are signs of wealth or beauty. Why shouldn't I feel retched and inadequate when i'm still a virgin???

  34. My broke ass made my life struggle for a job than find a way to lose my virginity…….now I have to start from ground up

  35. I'm going to always reincarnate as lifelong celebates, always, forever. I'm going to die a virgin every single last time I come back to Earth from here on out, forever.

  36. People seem to think I have a lot of sex, but I don't and when I tell them im a virgin they laugh"virgin? yeah right you are not fooling anyone, dude" or "are you serious? no way? You are making fun of me, there is no way you are a virgin ".

  37. I don't mind being a virgin that much, but it's embarrassing when others around me are talking about sex and I'm just trying to be invisible on my phone so no one would ask me anything. I don't think there's a hurry for myself but social expetations are high around here.. It's hard. I'm 20.

  38. Thank you, School of Life, for verifying my own observation: ☺that I choose to do what I want instead of abjectly following the crowd!!

  39. To younger virgins. You will survive. Lost it at 41 Yes, 41. Now 44 have had countless encounters with different girlfriends. Keep hope alive. Protip. Eat pussy. Word gets around.

  40. I'm 34 and still a virgin. And it sucks to be bullied over it. I have had a lot to deal with in my life and simply haven't had the time or really the ability to date. I want love more than anything, but it never seems to happen for me. The guys I'm interested in never like me back at the same time, it's always either too early or too late. And I have a bunch of losers interested in me but I don't want them. I'm not a prude, I'm not weird, I don't have sexual hang-ups, I just want a meaningful relationship with meaningful sex. No one night stands, no friends with benefits, I just want someone I love and someone who loves me back, is that really too much to expect? And I just haven't had that opportunity, and it's really cruel that there are people out there who would make fun of that or harp on how much I'm "missing out." It's just like telling someone in a wheelchair that they're missing out for not being able to walk, incredibly rude and insensitive.

    I really want to have sex, and I hope it happens soon. But whether it does or not, I'm not any less of a person because I waited longer than other people to have sex. It really bothers me that other people would make fun of me for being a virgin since it is absolutely none of their damn business in the first place.

  41. In this overly sex-hyped world, I thought I was the sole living virgin lol. Glad to see other virgins out there who are proud of their celibacy 👍🏼✊🏽👏🏼

  42. I swear I'm gonna snap soon and become Elliot Rodger 2.0 (on a grander scale,minus the suicide) if I don't lose it.I'm fucking 24 ffs and waaaaaayyyy uglier guys (motherfuckers) get tons of pussies, not to mention the model looking motherfuckers who bitches throw themselves at…
    The thing about me is…I wanna lose it to a virgin girl (read as 'Critically Endangered Species') and not some whore…guess that's what's keeping me down the most.
    Things might get so bad that I might resort to bestiality and end up losing it to a female puppy out of sheer desperation.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *