[Short Film] Depression


I have Depression. For as long as I can remember,
it’s been a part of me. Some days I struggle to get out of bed more
than others. And it’s not always days — sometimes I can struggle every morning for weeks, or
even months, just to put that first foot on the floor. It’s just hard to move, to do
anything, to feel anything. It’s like the weight of the world rests on my chest, refusing
to get off of me. It’s just an inexplicable heaviness that the human eye fails to see. Whenever I do finally get up, I go through
my daily routine much like a robot, thinking nothing of it. Like anyone else would do,
I use the bathroom. I shower. If it’s not too big a task, I actually shampoo and condition
my hair. I put on some sort of clothes. If I feel up to it I’ll dry and comb my hair
and brush my teeth, but that’s usually the furthest that my efforts get me. Then if I
remember, I make my way down to the kitchen and find some kind of breakfast. Usually I’m
not even hungry, but I try and make myself eat a little something anyway, even if it’s
only a few bites. After all, they say that breakfast is the most important meal — often
times I find myself wishing it would magically make me happy again, that these Fruity Pebbles
had some sort of magical healing abilities that would send all my worries away. Whatever I do after that depends entirely
on the day. Sometimes it’s school. I put on a mask, and wear my best fake smile. I
pull my bag over my shoulder and I walk out the door. I go through the motions, hearing
the words that the teachers are saying, but rarely retaining them in my memory. Other
times, it’s lying in bed all day, doing absolutely nothing but drowning in my own
uncontrolled thoughts. They say that when a creative person is feeling down, they should
channel those feelings into their art. Me? I write poetry. Sometimes it’s easy for
me — the words just keep coming to mind, and I keep putting them on paper. Other times,
it’s hard — I come up with absolutely nothing, and these feelings are trapped inside, unable
to be let out. Basically, on days where I’m feeling this way, I do anything to try and
pass the time — to make it go by quicker, to feel better faster. Depression isn’t always about sadness, though.
A lot of times it is. A lot of times it feels as if all the emotions have been sucked from
your body, leaving sadness behind to consume you. Sad is the only thing you think, feel,
say, or do. Little things can upset you further — like dropping your sandwich, or watching
Spongebob Squarepants the Movie and thinking that they’re actually going to die at the
end. But usually, there’s no reason behind the feeling — you just feel sad, constantly,
with no explanation, no matter how hard you try to find one. Your life could be going
great – fantastic, even – and yet for some reason you still feel sad. For some reason
you find yourself crying on the bathroom floor, or unable to fall asleep at night. Sometimes,
you can’t even cry at all. Other times, though… you feel nothing. Not
even sadness is there, and you may even find yourself wishing that it was, so you could
just feel something. You feel a certain darkness lingering in the air, behind you, above you,
below you, all around you, just waiting to take you over, but you don’t know when,
or why, and you don’t understand it. Things can be happening around you, both good and
bad, and you simply don’t feel a thing, you simply don’t react. It’s as if you
are in an everlasting sleep, but somehow you are still awake. Your heart’s still beating,
and you’re still breathing, but there is no life in you anymore. It’s like you’re
in prison, and your own body is your cell. I find one of the hardest parts to be when
you’re talking to a lover, and you tell them you love them, but you don’t feel it.
Boyfriend: Goodnight. I love you. I love you, too.
You say it, and you know that it’s true, because you’ve felt it before, and said
it before, but you don’t feel it now. The words just roll off your tongue in monotone,
simply because that’s what comes naturally. You can see the love in their eyes, but yours
are just empty. And another horrible part is that, when others
say they love you, and that they’re there for you and want to help, somehow you still
manage to find yourself feeling completely alone. No matter how many friends or family
members surround you, it feels like no one is there — sometimes not even your own self.
Friend: How are you feeling? I’m okay.
Friend: You know you can talk to me right? I’m here for you.
I know. Sometimes it can cause you to wonder what
would happen if you left it all behind. You wonder if anyone would miss you if you were
gone. You wonder if anyone would even care, and if so, then who? I’m never trying to push people away. I
just don’t want them to hurt like I do. It starts to make you feel like a bad person
when you look outside and can’t appreciate a beautiful day, because your whole world
is just… gray. It makes you feel like an entirely different person when you can’t
even enjoy your favorite foods, and all the things you used to love to do, start to become
more and more boring. It starts to make you feel like you aren’t normal when you realize
that no normal person thinks or feels the way that you do. It makes you feel like a
mistake that God tried to erase but couldn’t, because you have one foot in Life, and the
other… far gone. You really begin to question yourself, to doubt yourself, and many times
even fear yourself. (Knife) You begin to believe that you will never be happy again, and that
if you do somehow find happiness, it won’t last long. These feelings will come and go. When they
stay, they can last days, weeks, or even months. And when they’re gone, they can either be
completely gone, or you can sense them, always, surrounding you, waiting for a moment that
you’re happy so that they can swoop in and take it from you in an instant. Sometimes,
you feel them coming. Other times, you don’t. Sometimes the feelings hit you harder than
other times, drag you deeper down into the cold, dark waters of Depression, and you forget
to hold your breath. Sometimes… you fail to reach the surface, and you end up drowning.

About the author

Comments

  1. "….you just feel sad. Constantly, with no explanation." So true. What an incredibly realistic depiction of depression. Thank you.

  2. You just made a grown ass man cry. I don't know who you are or what your story is but just… thanks. I know I am not alone.

  3. I have depression but am fine now
    because I consider it a part of me
    no one really knows how depression feels until they experience it

  4. This was written and filmed brilliantly you explained depression so well. Everything you mentioned I have felt myself it's soul destroying but you have keep fighting it and find help to not let it take control of your lives. No matter how much you think there's no one there and you have nothing to live for, just remember there is always someone to help and you have a massive purpose in life just like everyone else you can get better and achieve your goals in life.

  5. This is the most accurate depiction of depression I've seen so far. People who have never had depression need to see this to get a sense of what people with depression are going through

  6. Your a gorgeous women, and the way u described depression is beautiful and poetic way, thanks for making this

  7. I have tears in my eyes M.B.Harkins, all I wanted to do was reach out and give you a hug. No one can can understand the depth of pain and depression. We all are special, talented and mean much more to others than we perceive. I myself go through months of depression having bipolar and a really bad anxiety disorder. keep reaching out and advocating sharing the love and support for one another.

  8. I wish I could be there for you. I am suffering the same way you do. I want to find you and give you a big hug because i know how depression feels like. Hang in there! I am sure that as long as you live, good things will come your way.

  9. This is great I live with depression and watching this was so similar to watching my own life on screen so thanks for the experience Love your channel xxxxxxx

  10. Man, this brought tears to my eyes. Life can really be harsh at times. I've been struggling with depression for a couple of months now and for some reason, I find this video really comforting. Thx a lot for this.

  11. is no point giving advice to people who suffer from depression because it's a illness they cannot help or control

  12. is any1 gonna speak about how beautiful she is…

    I feel this way everyday. I wish I could show this to ma psychologist as she doesn't understand me😢😢😢

  13. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There ARE people who care about you, depression is not a thing that '' is just a phase'' , its serious, if you do hv depression please get help, it really feels good and if you know someone who is depressed never say 'can you just get over it?' or ' wake up will you?' or stuff like that, be there for the person and be there for yourself too. Write your feelings or make drawings about them , just anything to get them out. I care about you and everyone in this world especially if they are going through depression

  14. It's weird that most depression videos are with girls. It's like the world thinks men are strong. Well we're not as tough as we like to say and think we are, we get depressed too. I hate being depressed and not having anyone around to talk to

  15. This video couldn't describe better how I feel. I wish I'd have the guts to tell someone about it. About my feelings. But I'm sure that nobody cares about me.

  16. I watch this everyday now, it reminds me that i am not the only one with depression, that im not alone. Thank you for making this short film. It really helped a lot.

  17. I watched and reached this, and what kept capturing my attention was her eyes. Even though everything is grey, her eyes look full of color.
    She's got deep eyes. Sad eyes. Needing eyes and tired eyes. She has the eyes of an old poet, so full of stories and emotions yet lacking the words to tell them.
    I suppose there's an underlying kind of message in this: In a world of black and white your eyes explode with color.

    Okay, I'm done being weird and sappy

  18. People that Depression is just a joke and that it's funny no, no it's not it's serious and I think what sucks about the most is going completely numb and feeling nothing at all that and crying your eyes out most of the night when you are trying to sleep. But take care of yourself, take care of your b r o k e n heart 💔
    Because it was beautifully made and yet broken, but it can be put back together with time I promise and you ARE beautiful and you ARE worth it in this rather messed up World but we are all here to do something to make the world a better place someday take care! 😊

  19. Tell me one more​ thing, are you a normal girl like or A celebrity. 🙈
    Do you have any platforns where i can be in touch with you personally, ;(

  20. I've watched pretty much all depression videos out there on youtube and i swear this one is by far the best one and the most accurate one. Good job with this video. i love it <3

  21. THIS IS IT..was in search of such video..
    most relatable video ever ….thnk u so much for this…loved it so much.

  22. Here is a message for all those who suffer from Depression:  It Gets Better….I have suffered – even have been completely disabled – by depression, and now that I am in my fifties, I have learned to fight it – and survive.  When I was in my teens – it controlled me.  Now, it's the other way around – I am in control of "IT"…You are in a continuous state of war.  You most likely will fight it for the rest of your long and successful life.  You will subdue it, you will corner it, but you know it will always be a part of you…  Learn to fight it.  Learn to control it.  You know that it will suck out everything that is happy in your life if you let it.  Don't let it.  It is the enemy.  It will take from you your future spouse; your dreams; your happiness – even your reality.  You are too important to let that happen.  Fight it…Fight it: challenge yourself. Move yourself to an environment that you are not familiar with.  Learn new things.  Go camping into the deep woods and discover yourself.  Walk around a lake – better yet, swim across it – then back…  Walk around your house – and re-discover it again.  Force yourself to do new and wonderful things.  Quit smoking/loose weight.  Set goals.  You have to do this – even if no else needs to.  It's part of your war.  It's your fight that no one else knows about.  Don't let it suck you life out of you.  Wage War on "it" – you are worth fighting for.  You are beautiful…

  23. This video saved my life.it may seem crazy but….I'd be dead if it weren't for this video.this is coming from a depressed anxiety filled insomniac,but thank you,thank you so much!

  24. I was depressed for a long time… It started when my dad hit me, at first I thought it was just a one time thing, but no. It turned into abuse. It started to happen every day to the point he was knocking me out. After 3 months we moved to a different place, but I felt no better. I thought about suicide a few times. Once I was jumped by a gang of bikers, I was rushed to a doctor once a little girl found me. I was recommended for mental thearopy. That's where my redemption started. I started making friends, finding hobbies and getting A's in school. Now I'm a teacher. I have a nice car and a loving family. I couldn't wish for more

  25. This is the first YouTube video I have ever commented on and it's because this video is so me..I have shared it with loved ones so they can actually see me and my daily life..I have three kids and they are the only reason I get up in the morning..thank you for making this video because it's the best one I have seen

  26. By far the best film i have seen to discribe depression and how i feel. We need to be strong and hope for the best , never give up!! Depression is a sickness , accept it and get help!! Much love from Belgium

  27. Hi. I relate to that. I am in a depression state and it is really hard. I ve been dissapointed by my friends so many times, I dont know anymore. I saw your video and it gave me the strenght to cope a little bit more. Thanks. Ill keep fighting.

  28. This video really explains the hopelessness of depression. I dearly hope this lovely girl is feeling better. I'm struggling with depression at the moment and feel I'll never recover. It is a black, frightening and lonely place.

  29. Love this film! Im glad it was made for others to see their not alone. It's sad to see that people really go through this, everybody deserves LOVE.

  30. I noticed that you comment back on loads of the comments and I wanted to say thank you for doing that
    I've noticed on a lot of similar videos to do with depression there are so many children in the comments that are depressed and they don't know what to do. It's 2am in the UK and I literally can't stop replying to these types of comments because I just feel they are so vulnerable and they need help, but I should probably go to bed! Your film is also very inspirational because it has allowed so many people to open up about how they feel, so thank you for that also!

  31. I really appreciate that you shared this. It shouts out and explains to an extent what and how deeply affected people are by Depression. I feel things like this, not daily but relatively often. I feel as if I can't reach out or talk to anybody because I fear how they'll react

  32. I can so much relate in this, it finnaly feels like I have someone that understands me. Even though I'm not talking to you, I can still feel the understanding. Thank you for that. I can feel I'm not alone.

  33. Watching this Video seems to me that she's Bored in life. I don't see what really cause her depression. She has a place to live. She has family to support her. She can eat three meals a day. If she wants to. This can make you depressed if you just got laid off from your high paying job. Your now Unemployed. You cannot pay for your Apartment and your Bills . So what else does she wants in life ?

  34. For me this just seems like the stereotypical version of depression and I can’t relate it seems like she’s really trying to create it off of what she’s heard. Don’t buy it.

  35. Like I said before thanks for trying to help but you don't have depression because you're an actor that is depressed. That's good news for you. You can't help unless you understand what depression really feels like, you're close and a couple of times you got it. You're confusing people and that does not help anybody. You need to understand the difference between getting depressed and suffering from depression. If you are going to make any more videos like this you need to get it right. There are so many things about depression you left out. There is no cure for depression and does not go away. It is a slow death sentence that we have to fight it to the end. YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. Only one person got it wright out of all these videos on youtube. He's gone now. I wish I was able to make a video about depression but not possible without a lot of help from someone that knows how to make these videos. Or I can help you make another video. I am sorry for my comments. I know you think I am an asshole but I am not, just being honest. At least let me help you and make some changes on this video.Think about it.

  36. Get this to 1 million views! Such an amazing film, the thing is it’s so accurate and professionally done. Way to go!

  37. Can I make a video about myself based on this one? I really like the way you made it
    I also relate 10/10 to this

  38. I like the changes you made to your video. Before it sounded like you were depressed. People think depressed and depression are the same, they are 2 different things. Trying to describe how depression feels is impossible Only people with depression knows how is feels. People that don't suffer from its ill never know or understand. My ESS cycles last over a month.

  39. Every single second of this was unfortunately so damn relatable. And it’s sad to see how relatable it is to so many other people too. With what little hope I have left, I wish all of us eventually end up a little bit more than just “fine.” <3 A heart to anyone who reads this, because I know it’s something I myself would wish to see. This video was well made.

  40. this is the best video on youtube describing depression so perfectly!!! i love this video so much♡ its so so damn relatable. its a beautiful work!! deserves way more views!!!

  41. Wow this is the most relatable video I've ever seen like noone has ever described depression as well as you tysm for making this video

  42. Notice the whole video is black and white? Thats what depression feels like. You cant find something important something that catches your interest. Nothing matters. Everything is grey

  43. my god this is such a good short film, it compiles all my thoughts into one video, especially feeling sad and numb for no real reason. God bless you, hope you get better <3 you're strong

  44. thank you so so much for making this video u helped me alot not feel as alone and everything u said was very tru. u r an amazing person and u have helped so many people and made so many people not feel alone. u r a blessing to this world. thank you❤️

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