sometimes i hate my body – gender dysphoria


hey what’s up y’all it’s J this is comfy
fat thanks for tuning and I’m trying something different where I just kind of
talk to the camera and see how it goes I haven’t really decided how I’m gonna
talk about this I asked folks on my Instagram if they’d
be interested in learning a little bit about what I mean when I say that I
experience gender dysphoria specifically how I experience gender dysphoria while
I am on my period if that is a topic that bothers you talking about bleeding
or menstruation or whatever feel free to not watch that’s okay I’m just gonna
try to talk about it in the least gendered terms that I know but for some
it’s probably still TMI and that’s fine to start off I guess I’ll just say I am
non-binary I do identify as trans at the same time because being trans to me
means not identifying with the gender that I was assigned at birth which is
female I was assigned by a doctor the term female based on chromosomes and
genitalia that I was born with my body makeup it’s all bullshit
I say I’m non-binary and I am non-binary which means that I don’t feel most
authentically myself when I am placed in any category like male or female I exist
outside of the binary so what dysphoria is gender dysphoria is something that
trans folks face not always but a lot of the time gender dysphoria is the
distress that a person experiences as a result of the sex and gender that they
were assigned at birth and the fact that their gender identity does not align
with what they were assigned at birth so it’s dysphoria it’s the stress that
you feel most commonly about your body I don’t I don’t really know how to talk
about this so I’m just gonna try to talk about my personal experience
so the dysphoria that I experience comes in the form of panic and anxiety it’s
more than discomfort it’s more than just like if you scrape your knee while it’s
healing it might be itchy or feel weird with pants on or something and that’s
discomfort dysphoria to me feels unbearable and I wouldn’t say if I
experienced it to the extent that a lot of people do a lot of trans folks deal
with dysphoria a lot more than I do it could possibly be the reason that people
go forward with medical transition sometimes it’s not I try really hard to
like not use blanket statements to talk about the whole trans community because
I’m not the one spokesperson for all trans people so I’m trying I’m doing my best
I’m also open to suggestions of terms that work better for people for me to
say when I for me to use when I talk about this because I I really don’t know
I don’t really know what I’m doing and I never want to be like triggering or
bothersome or offensive or hurtful to anybody to start off I guess I’ll just
say I have PCOS which is polycystic ovarian syndrome it doesn’t always mean
that there are cysts on your ovaries it basically just means that there’s a
chemical imbalance and your metabolism is kind of fucked up and I’m not really
gonna get into like PCOS and what that means what it doesn’t mean though is it
oftentimes means irregular periods when I was 16 I noticed I would get my period
pretty frequently like more than every 28 days every two weeks or so they would
last kind of long so I got on birth control when I was 16 and for ten years
I stayed on that birth control and it made my period very regular I could
expect it to be there 28 days on like a Thursday morning and have it be very
light and not a problem and it would be over by Sunday and that was really great
and then I recently realized that I was 26 and that I had been officially 10
years and maybe I should see what my body is like on its own because body’s
changed ten years is a long time and so I stopped taking it for the first three
months or so it was like inconsistent basically it would show up pretty early
at any sign of stress or something I would start bleeding and that sucked
but it wasn’t like super heavy it was still kind of the way I had experienced
it for the last ten years this current time that I started
bleeding at first of all it came very early
it’s been 12 days and it’s been pretty fucking gnarly just
like super heavy and uncomfortable and if you have a period or if you bleed you
might know that it’s a very intimate situation as far as using tampons or
pads and the cleanup involved in leaking and like it’s just a lot and it requires
being very intimate with your body parts a lot of the time I have cried every
single day of those 12 days I have panicked more
than once a day because this go-round has required a lot of me I’ve been
pretty like in a pretty bad mood I’ve been kind of bitchy and Corissa has been
like the most amazing supportive partner I’ve ever had and I’ve still been kind
of a bitch so that’s kind of why I haven’t like posted any videos or I
haven’t been super present on Instagram Twitter or anything like that because
I’ve just been like kind of moping around and not feeling great and I feel
very lethargic and like just I have no energy
I did see a doctor I’m going back on birth control things are gonna be okay
but it has been it’s been a rough couple of weeks I’ve talked about other things
mostly in writing that were vulnerable like why it’s hard to shower as a fat
person and dealing with realizing I was non-binary but I haven’t really talked
about those things on camera because it’s hard but I asked and people wanted
me to talk about it so that’s that’s basically it I don’t really have like
solutions for other people I just think if you have a doctor and you trust your
doctor talk to them when you feel like something’s off it’s hard to explain
like what what gender dysphoria feels like it feels for me like I said it
feels like a panic attack it feels like I feel grossed out by my body but my
body parts specifically sometimes especially recently I want nothing to do
with the bottom half of me right now I I want to shut down all of my like
reproductive organs or whatever the whole system just kind of wanna like
shut it all down I don’t want to be seen I don’t want to be out in public I don’t
want to talk to people I don’t want to be kind to people which is I think kind
of uncharacteristic for me I don’t really feel like spreading positivity I
feel stuck and when I panic I start hyperventilating and cry and it becomes
hard to think and I just want it to be over I guess I’m kind of rambling but
that’s kind of what I’m going through right now I appreciate the love and
support that I’ve been getting from folks and the fact that you want to hear
what’s going on with me and like you’ll still support me not being totally all
figured out you support me even when I’m a mess and I love that so I really
really appreciate that anyway I don’t know if I did any of that any justice
but if you’re really interested I would say to some research and if you feel
like maybe you’re experiencing gender dysphoria start looking into it and
asking people online if you have friends online who have experienced similar
things reach out and talk to folks and I definitely suggest therapy because that
shit is a plus I think that’s it thanks for listening to my little rant I
don’t know if this was like even really super worth it for you just
listening to me ramble about like what’s going on with me but if you’re into this
leave me a comment and let me know alright thanks for watching friends
hearts and rainbows bye

About the author

Comments

  1. I havent watched yet but Im here for you and ily and I support you and based off the title our experiences are similar <3

  2. Yep! Me too. Period cycles are really invalidating for me. I dont think I experience it at an intense level but its kind of like a constant reminder that Im hyper femme because of my body make up. (Not that period = femme but its how it makes me feel anyway.)

  3. This is a beautiful and raw video and you have all of my love and support, for whatever it's worth. It's okay to be imperfect, and I'm so happy that Corissa is empathetic and standing by you. If you need some time away from YouTube and IG and all that, I'm sure we'd all understand.

  4. Hi J! Just wanted to share that I think you speak beautifully. It's not often you hear someone speak with such intent, respect and kindness behind each word choice. I love this style of video because it really highlights this talent of yours! Lots of love from a Canadian cisgender woman. xo

  5. I'm glad you felt safe and secure enough to make this video. I think it'll be a big help to a lot of people.

    I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a huge hug. Gender dysphoria absolutely sucks, and I wish I had advice on how to get through it. I'm so glad you have Corissa there to help you through it, and I'm relieved to know things will be improving soon.

    Hang in there, J. You have a bunch of people sending you love, myself included. I wish there was more I could do. hugs

  6. I am sorry for your stress, seriously. At the same time I cannot help to wonder if you are really "non binary", what you describe sounds rather like trans feelings (disclaimer: this is not a "diagnosis", just my impressions!). Just logically speaking, genderqueer/non binary etc. referrs to a feeling of not entirely belonging to one specific gender (very roughly spoken), so it basically includes aspects of both/all genders, otherwise you could identify as a specific (other) gender ?! So if you experience a more female physical aspect (period), it does not contradict the genderqueerness, its just that one part is for a short time per month physically more present. But if you say you totally hate your lower part, well it seems you hate everything female in you and that is a typical transgender feeling. I do not know if you have a therapist now but maybe its time to get a new one. Again, just my subjective impression, none of us can look into your head.

  7. I’m so glad you’re opening up and feeling safe to do so. I hope this gets easier for you to manage. PCOS is no joke—even without dysphoria. Keep sharing. Keep the conversation open. It’s great for so many. 💕

  8. Wow dear J, Brave is the word and Bravo is Spanish for making this. I have to say as I grew up in a family where most of them are female and as a father of a young girlI, I know very well what you are talking about, lol. My fiancee, calls it the shark week, which is not a bad name if you take it with some humor. Any way, Panic is something that must be terrible because makes you feel like an army of one defeated. Since 2012 I got to know quite a bunch of queer people that now a days some of them I consider my friends even though we have met only on the net. You are one of them. Of course I always say first I'm a fan lol. What I mean is you are not alone even with thousands of miles in between. Talking a out this to your friends and fans that are interesting is very cathartic and useful for a kind of feedback. Sometimes speaking loud about is a way to clear ideas, concepts and that make the difference because I'm sure next time you feel this way you will stop and remember that out there is a troop of people that lo e you, care about you and support you. Remember you are not alone. Much love dearest friend.

  9. Thank you for sharing something so private! You are great! Part of the anxiety could be exacerbated by the crappy hormones. It must be so difficult not identifying as female but…here's your period/smack in the face! A lot of what you're feeling, the cranky, bitchy, this is so gross feeling, completely normal. Get back on b.c.! Do whatever you can to even it out and make your life easier! Hearts and rainbows to you too sweetheart!

  10. Thank you for sharing, J. I'm cis gender and I despise my period, I can't even imagine how much harder it is for trans/NB people. Sending hugs, you don't have to accept them but they are there if you need them. ❤

  11. J you are a badass person who has incredible strength and courage. Your so brave just for putting the truth out there and sharing this YouTube video 👍✌👌 LGBTQ community rules more power to you J

  12. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. My 12year old daughter is trans and doesn't experience dysphoria yet, but I can only imagine how difficult it is. I'm sorry 🙁

  13. Main reason I got on T was for the torture and agony of going thru periods to stop. And even tho I havent had one since i started hormones I live in a constant panic that one day its just going to come back. Even though I identify as a transman everything you said was very relatable on how i feel about periods. It feels comforting to know that I'm not alone. ❤

  14. This made me cry……It's got to be absolutely miserable to deal with periods and all the stuff that goes with them when you are non-binary. Thank you for sharing something so intimate with us. I really want to understand all the things that make us so diverse from each other and your being so open about yourself and body dysphoria will help us all to be kinder and more understanding of things we might not have to deal with ourselves. Hugs 💜

  15. Your vulnerability is a precious thing; I feel so honored that you shared this with us. It sounds very hard. Sending love and hoping you find some relief in the coming days. ❤️

  16. I had my period (or what I affectionately refer to as Lucifer's Waterfall) for a year straight !! that was back in 2015-2016. January 2016 is when I got on birth control. So I've been on it for almost three years. I also deal with clinical depression and schizophrenia (so some sensory issues mixed in- loud noises or ruckus for extended periods of time drive me nuts). I identify as nonbinary so with the dysphoria mixed in its just exhausting! For me dysphoria feels like my body is on fire and I feel hyper sensitive to everything and how everyone looks at me or speaks to me. But who knows really if that's 100% dysphoria, I've got a whole slew of mental issues so. I have lots of trouble treating myself (or others) and my body kindly and with compassion when I get wrapped up in these things. So I can understand how you may feel. Solidarity <3

  17. I am not going to even pretend that I know what it is like to be non binary and have a period. I know if sucked for me and I didn't flow that heavy for it was a pain in the butt.  Sending you love and hugs.

  18. I hear you, and I am here for you. You are very brave, and sometimes it is easier to figure things out when you can give them a voice and get them out of your head. I think that gender expression is as individual as a fingerprint, and I just hope we continue to evolve toward that being the “norm”. And PCOS can go suck donkey testicles!

  19. thank you for being vulnerable. you inspire me on the daily. <3 i have some period related fucked up shit going on…. but i cant do anything about it now cuz im not there mentally… im not able to deal with fatphobic doctors while i have sooo much to do at university. (exams until the 1st of feb, then my thesis and closing exams…. basically im super busy until july) i just cant face them and school at the same time. appointments would spread out like for every 2-3 month and i just couldnt deal with the waiting time because i would be super worried all the time about the upcoming appointments… and i cant have that now… anyway, you still inspire me. i will get myself checked out when i know i can deal with it mentally… i dont wanna fuck up my studies because basically i have nothing else going on and if i cant finish that, im nowhere.

  20. Hey J , thank you for uploading today. Wishing you quite strength🐘, patience and love ❤with yourself as you endure these hills and valleys of your life. I'm 38 and feel I learn so much from you all.

  21. Hugs. It's ok to feel like a mess and no one is completely ok with their body. I identify as female, the gender I was born and I hate my periods. They are messed up and heavy flow alot. I understand the tears and just know you're not alone.

  22. I'm so sorry it's been such a rough time for you lately. I will admit I can't fully understand as a cis woman, but I send you all my sympathy. I'm glad that Corissa has been there for you and I hope that things start looking up soon. Take all the time you need to care for yourself!

  23. I get you I have PCOS and this alone people don't get. If I tell people to google it research it they would rather not get educated because they don't get I can't just diet or other things that go along with having PCOS.

  24. You are a great person! There are many women going through the same thing as you, so don't feel bad. As a woman we understand each other. PMS is not the same for everybody. Smile life is beautiful🤗

  25. I never would have thought of this…thanks for being so raw. I wonder if you could get a hysterectomy??? Not sure if doctors would do it without a medical reasons. I had one and its heavenly…no periods no PMS. Hang in there beautiful human. You've really grown on me! 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

  26. It’s so hard living with that constant bleeding issue, I should know! I refused to take bc so I’ve been living with it for most of my adult life and have anemia now too. Just like you, if I get upset, bam it happens. I feel bad about it but I don’t think I get dysphoria from it. I do get dysphoria about how I present though. I don’t have anyone to talk about things with so I have often felt guilt or remorse or other unpleasant things, maybe even slight panicky sometimes. I hope you can feel better! You are very special to me, even though we haven’t met, you really enrich my life!

    Ps. I’m pretty certain I have pcos, but doctors in Canada don’t seem to want to diagnose it. I just get a very vague runaround story. It must be different in the US. Here they say there’s no way of knowing for sure. 🙃

  27. J, you are way too self-deprecating! This is who you are and i bet there are plenty of folks who relate to some or all of this! And for the rest of us, it is a fantastic education of one person’s perspective to help us grow. It gives me things to think about and how i can be a better friend and be better prepared should i be in a similar situation helping someone with a similar experience. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so honest and open! Hope it gets better soon! Take care!

  28. So I have some questions and I hope I don't offend. You are non binary. So you don't say you are male or female right so you're somewhere in between? You come across in your dress and manorisims as male or Butch so to speak? Do you ever get girly like makeup or dresses. We do want to know cuz I'm so confused about transgender. Like my kiddo is a girl and is very no mom that's a boy toy or whatnot. I feel like I'm going to offend others in public when she says that. Also if a little boys is in the girls room she's like OMG mom he's a boy and in here. I have never taught her any of this as I have many friends in the lgbtq lifestyle. I try to teach her we are all created equal no one is better or worse than anyone else that bullying is not ok and we stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves. But she's so opinionated

  29. Hi J. I’m truly sorry you experience this. It makes me sad. But I’ll m glad you are educating so many of us that do not understand this. You are doing something so great with your platform. Sending you well wishes and super good vibes 🥰🤗

  30. Aw J I love your heart. Thank you for sharing what this experince is like for you. I am not part of the LGBTQ community other than being a supporter but I am always open to learn what I can and while you do not speak for everyone, you speak for yourself abd your experience which I value. I have been watching Fatgirlflow for a while and I knew as soon as she introduced you that you were a great genuine person and I hoped we got to know you more. I hope you get back to feeling like J again. 💞 🌈!

  31. I am in awe of you, J! You speak so eloquently. PCOS can be hard in itself, so I can just imagine more pressure from the hatred you have for your "Assigned Gender". I thank you so much for sharing your feelings and explanation. It truly helps me understand things of a current family member that has a hard time speaking of things like this. Keep 'em coming. I am lovin your channel! XO

  32. Does anyone know if hormonal birth control, or fluctuations in hormones can influence someone's gender identity? (Speaking from my own experience, not about J)

  33. Well if you don't want to change your gender or have your uterus removed all you can do is change your attitude towards the bleeding. Maybe a more rational approach as in behavioral therapy present could help, like this is only my body, not me, bodies do all kind of funny stuffmy body is doing this blood cleanse again…etc. You seem to be a very emotional person, but emotions can change with attitudes. Good luck

  34. So sorry to hear that you have been struggling. You seem like such a kind & thoughtful person. I am sure that Corrisa (?) is a great support to you. Much love x

  35. i highly recommend you look into evening primrose oil, st johns wort and maca powder. they all have benefits for menstrual issues as well as depression & anxiety issues. all the prescription meds are dangerous for organs.

  36. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability J. It sounds really tough…and it's OK not to want to be nice to people sometimes 😉 You're a real sweet and genuine soul. I hope things start to improve for ya soon xxx

  37. Oh J, you are an amazing person. PCOS absolutely SUCKS, for women, men, ANYONE who bleeds. It’s physically painful and makes your hormones go whack. And on top of that, dealing with the mental and emotional pain of gender dysphoria is such a tough hand to be dealt. I’m so glad you saw a doctor and are back on birth control. As a woman who bleeds, I honestly wish there was more open and honest discussion about menstruation from everyone, even people who don’t bleed. So thank you for opening up a dialogue and being very vulnerable doing so. So much love to you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  38. I understand the hatred of menstruation. I feel the same way about my periods. I feel like my body betrays me and although I am definitely female I have tried to make mine stop for most of my
    menstrual life and am almost 40. I wish you luck with your BC and life journey

  39. Very brave and inspirational.
    I have PCOS which alone is complicated let alone everything else. I appreciate you sharing and educating me on the troubles others face

  40. Much love from a fellow trans person ❤️ I love watching your videos, your transparency is very helpful and you are definitely not alone 💕

  41. I’m so sorry you experience this J. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Sending you lots of love x

  42. Your skin is beautiful! I’m sorry you’re hurting I’m so many ways but your willingness to open up and share is a wonderful gift.

  43. Thank you for being open about subjects that its hard for anyone to be! I wish you speedy relief! recently i read that there is some promising pcos cure through already developed fertility drugs? it was still in researching phase but i know so many people with it i couldn't help but get kinda excited

  44. i love ya but your dna says female…its not bullshit, vaginas and penis define sexes..this is how we procreate. its ok to be trans but it doednt change the fact you are female..sorry. i was 308lbs….not happy so i did something about it…gastric sleeve..down 74 lbs..hormones arr back on track…try that. wish u the best

  45. Thanks again for sharing. I too was diagnosed with PCOS at the age of 21, I am now 41. I have been on birth control pills for at least 16 years straight, the last 2 years I have been off of them and just dealing with my irregular period, and all the other symptoms that come along with PCOS.
    Either way, I always look forward to seeing your videos. Thank you again.

  46. Thank you so much for this video, J! I'm at a different stage of life – I'm in peri-menopause, and I'm also a non-binary person who identifies as trans (though only recently). Most of the time I don't really have body dysphoria other than feeling like my boobs are in the way and that I wish I could take them off and hang them up somewhere, I do struggle with my period, and being hyper-aware of my body parts during those days. The hormones aren't as strong then as they seem when they fluctuate for me because of peri-, but I often get weepy (like now as I write to you) and I often rage and get angry for no reason, which is hard, and makes me feel really isolated. Generally, as a fat person, I'm pretty chill about my body and how the world treats me, but the crap we do to ourselves is somehow worse, and harder to overcome. I think mostly, it's important to talk to people who are in a similar place, and who share some of these feelings and experiences because it's often very alienating and lonely. I'm also aware of my age and feel like I'm often 'too old' for stuff but really, isn't everything really only a social construct? In any case, my main point was to say that you're not alone in your feelings, and thank you for helping me not feel alone in mine. <3

  47. Hey! I just wanted to stop by and say I loved this video. We actually went to school together back in 2011 and I stumbled upon your stuff, and I'm super proud of you for speaking out about all of this. Turns out I'm non-binary as well, and gay. Who knew! Gender dysphoria is something I struggle with on the regular, and as someone who's currently PMSing, I can't tell you how much dysphoria I experience from actually having my period. I've been talking about getting it all removed for a while now. It's good to hear someone else talk about this kind of thing.

  48. Not sure if this has been mentioned but have you considered getting an iud, specifically the hormone coil or mirena coil. It should really help with everything and is much safer than the pill (if that’s what you’re using). Eventually my periods stopped which is normal and you just don’t have to deal with any of that, plus I’ve saved a ton of money on sanitary protection haha!

  49. My good friend is a Transgender female.( male to female ) . We been friends since I was 14 . I’m a 50 year old female . I’ve met her boyfriends and she knows my kids and boyfriend. She is going through transgender harmone therapy. Hopefully soon she will have surgery.( bottom surgery) I will be there for my friend forever. You sound so much like my friend . xoxoxo

  50. may i ask if a hyterectomy is something that you would consider to take that anxiety away from you? is that too personal to ask? im sorry if it is. xx

  51. Mercès per l'extracte al peu del videu.
    […]
    Vagi tot bé.
    p.s. He esborrat el comentari, perquè quan m'ha vagat de mig entendre els subrètols, no m'ha agradat que hi fos (un comentari basat en el títol, confusionari, i el que havia pogut mig entendre de l'extracte.) Tanmateix, n'aprofito això:
    Rumio si deixaries de ser gonadista si algú t'ensenyés a desgonaditzar la llengua. Com a fesomista, i afectat en gras, et puc dir des de la meva absoluta indiferència i invidència al gon, que t'ho prenguis com una transició estètica, i no pas de sexe ni de gènere; una intervenció merament orgànica. Com quan un gonesveltista es fa estilitzar o muscular. Això no recau en l'origen fisiològic del malestar físic que m'ha semblat que en parles, els dies que tens la regla; però si en com ho signifiques això. En el sentit que es deu a òrgans diferents d'aquells en la direcció de la teva transicicó; mal que no vulguis fer cap a l'altre pol, perquè dius que no és bipolar.
    Per això és que rumiava si fórets encar gonadista si algú t'ensenyés a no ser-ho -si algú et fes saber que existeix no ser-ho. De fet, dos terços qualitatius de la humanitat no ho som. Rumio si ho deixaries de ser si algú t'ensenyés a desgonaditzar la llengua.

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