This Is What It Feels Like To Be Depressed


(writing noises) (writing noises) – Dear depression, we go way back. I remember the first time I met you. I was seven years old, a
pig-tailed lover of books, teased for the sneakers my
mother could barely afford. The second time I met
you was at a house party where a stranger packed
himself into my mouth. It was the first time I
understand the word ugly. We met again when I learned I had lupus and found out my body now belonged to an incurable disease and again, when I was sad for the 49th day in a row. I begged you to go away,
but you would not leave. You, depression, are my childhood friend. The midnight voices in
my head, a slick tongue. You pretend to have the answers, but loving you got me sick, got me suicide-watched,
got me blue happy pills. Find the nearest ledge, you say. Walk out, you say. Suspend, you say. Wouldn’t I be happier dead? Yesterday, I cried enough to
name myself the sad girl again. Lonely has developed an authority where my thoughts are family. Always fussing about
the wrong I have done, about the pretty I’ve burned. What I learn of sadness is from you. You told me boys won’t love me, but a fastened rope can. You tell me lupus is incurable. Can’t have seven children, can’t be hospitalized
three times in one year, and call that killing. You, a contradiction, a house of lies. Sickness can do that. It can lie, it can claw. My sadness will not cease. It will not quiet, and I am afraid to die. I am afraid to die. Depression is a house of teeth. It will write you into
a story without rest. It will kin you, comb your mouth into a beautiful haunting and name it a vacant wilderness. But dare yourself, extraordinary human, to run into joy screaming, “you cannot have me.” You cannot have me. I am not my past. I am worthy of love, I am worthy. I am forgiving myself for
not being strong enough to believe in myself. I can tell you, I do not
know who my father is. I can tell you, a best
friend’s father molested me. I can tell you the number of men I let crawl into my body, but I would rather tell
you I am letting go. I am letting failure go. I am letting loneliness go. I will not give up. You will not silence me. Sincerely, Tanya. (music)

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Comments

  1. I remember the other day when I was watching shameless and one of the main protagonists Ian said that the pain while he was getting a tattoo felt good and the tattoo artist said because emotional pain has no location but this kinda of pain you know where it is you can focus on it and I’ve never understood something more than what that tattoo artis said rt there

  2. Happy-Happy=SAD…

    SADNESS+SADNESS=ANXIETY

    ANXIETY+ANXIETY= DEPRESSION

    DEPRESSION+DEPRESSION= BYPOLAR

    BIPOLAR+BIPOLAR=SEVERE DEPRESSION

    SEVERE DEPRESSION+SEVERE DEPRESSION=SUICIDE

    SUICIDE+ SUICIDE= LIFE..

    P.s.: not all people are the same :/

  3. What depression also feels like is being tired all the time, thinking about how worthless u are and how much of a mistake u are. How ungrateful u are, how u hate urself more than anyone could hate u

    Edit: that’s my experience anyways, oh and also crying over worthless stuff like homework

  4. I am depressed I have no one to talk to. I got depressed since I became obese and it's hard to find a job. Since high school I was introvert. I just wish everyday I hope I will not wake up anymore. I hope I am not breathing anymore. I attempted to suicide before many times but still I feel like I'm scared. I lose my interest. I don't want to talk to people. I prefer just in my room or listening to music.

  5. I want to die but I’m scared of dieing to see what happens Incase I get punished by god if there is one or we don’t know yet by killing myself 💔💔💔😭😭😭

  6. Hugs! I suffered from depression myself and yes man it wasnt easy.. I would just normally make myself busy until one day I came across some uplifting music which kinda made me feel a lot better. Makes me think about good stuff and fun memories. Thats also when I thought, why not share it to everyone.. Hope this helps you guys too! Xoxo,

    https://youtu.be/80QUa_vzaZ4

  7. Thank you for this video. I am still searching for strength. The sense of "helplessness" in depression is so pronounced, and how to work and overcome that — well, it is difficult. I found that I "did" want to live. I had to take an extreme journey first, which I document here in this video (story in the description). But we each have our own roads to walk to find our way back home again, to the good self within us. Thank you again — G. My story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEmuHUqic0I

  8. It’s nice to see in the comments that I’m not alone, I feel like I’m not just the one who is going through this, I try to talk to people but they don’t get it ore thinking I’m faking but I want every one to know, YOU’RE NOT ALONE, I felt like I was few minutes ago but walking into these comments make me realize that you guys have it to don’t let it bring you down guys be strong I’m trying to be everyday, talk to someone, I know it’s hard to talk to someone and they just say be happy or something just talk to one of you’re closest friends, and don’t be like me, I did the opposite, Hope you guess can over come it, remember there is still HOPE.

  9. This made me cry because I might have depression and I am afraid to die tho it feels like it's better to not exist in the world or in people's memories

  10. It’s sad that you meet depression at such a young age like for me I met depression at age 9 and I’m 14

  11. I hate having suicidal thoughts, whilst I am terrified of death. I don't want my family, friends, pets or just anyone to die. I want them with me, and I don't want to be alone.

  12. i don't wanna die but it seems so much easier because i'm in war with myself, and the battle has been going on for to long. It seems there's no way for it to end, but my death seems to be the only way for this war to stop. My parents don't understand and say I did this to myself, but how could I have done this?! Why would I choose to be sad over nothing!? My friends don't understand, they say I cut and I cry because i'm weak and stupid. It seems like that's what they all say… even myself. But who is the weak one here? You or me? You see my scars and my sadness one time, just once and you assume that I did this to myself because i just want your attention…? I don't need your attention, I need your help. Because i'm not weak, i've been in this battle for to long so i am on the edge of losing to myself, so maybe it has made me a little more weak, but have you ever been in the same battle with yourself for almost 8 years, maybe that's i'm weak.. and on the edge of death. So please will you help and listen just this once… please….

  13. I hate depression because you attack young minds, mind of an innocent girl. She used to run to me when she feels bad, but now she’s scared to tell me what’s going on in her mind. Depression, you are not going to win, and take my daughter away from me. If you want to stay in the dark, then don’t take my daughter, and let her see the light. She deserves to see how beautiful the world is and how much she is loved by her family and friends espècially her mother who gave her life.

  14. "Stress, anxiety and depression are caused when we are living to please others"
    – paulo coelho
    Life would be so much better if only i could implement these words in my damn life

  15. This video has helped me a lot. I'm in depression..but when I watched the video over and over, I realize, I'm strong! I don't want to be a robot, who wants to be perfect to everyone! I have a life, and this is my life! i want to shout my problems to the world! Thank you for the video. Now, I feel better. ( sorry for the bad English grammar, because I'm Hungarian).

  16. I am one of the numerous individuals who got depressed and it .
    happened to me years back after divorce. an actual low point when I received this depression therapy “fetching kafon press” (Google it) and my self-confidence was broken. My self-esteem went back after days of days of reading through your guide..

  17. Everything I love, recently leaves.
    So if I love my depression… would it leave me like all those people did..?

  18. if anyone is wondering why they feel depressed but are afraid to die, its most likely passive suicidal ideation. passive suicidal means that you have suicidal thoughts but have no plan to act on it. active suicidal is the opposite. if anyone needs to talk im always open 💕

  19. I love my family I guess, but they don’t love me. They really hurt me. Mentally and sometimes physically.

  20. probably no one will read this, but i want to write this.

    you
    are
    important

    even if you don't believe in me, i believe that you are important, beautiful (inside and outside), and you CAN conquer all your dreams. i know you're passing through bad things, but it's temporary. don't give up. one last thing:

    never forget that you are loved and special, cuz world only have ONE person like you. take care of yourself, bye 💞🌻

  21. Depression should be open no one should suffer in silence it’s okay to be honest people shouldn’t be discriminated for having a mental health problem as it’s not a choice I’ve had depression since 13 and I’m 18 now I know what it’s like

  22. I've gotten used to the sadness. I honestly don't remember what my old happy life was like. All I know is I miss it so much.

  23. This video made me cry. I can not do suicide but I want to die naturally by any other cause. Depression is opposite of life.

  24. I’m sorry for saying this, but I just want people to know something. Depression is not being sad! When you are sad or tired, you are not depressed! Depression is a real disorder that I know quite well. Temporarily losing your will to live is not being depressed. Lying and saying “your fine” when you’re not is not depression. Depression is everything but it is nothing and it will eat you alive. Your sadness is not a disorder. And I’m not saying your sadness should be ignored, but I will tell you, your sadness is not depression.

  25. I was just having suicidal thoughts and Thai brought tearsto my eyes. Wish I was brave enough to read my poetry and share it with the world. Sometimes I feel like it’s easier being dead than being here. No one loves living in misery and drowning in their own tears

  26. That's the kind of depression I would like to have…..

    The girl in the video is afraid of dying and wants to fight the depression.
    I am afraid of living and literally every night I go to sleep I hope that I die during that night while sleeping. And every morning I wake up, being very sad about still being alive.

    If you are depressive and you read this, do something against your depression. Being depressed feels horrible, it's worse than any physical injury I have ever had.

  27. Ok. Now i'm writing here, because i don't know what to do. Sometimes it gets better, but sometimes it gets worse. I'm dealing with terrible anxiety and panic attacks. I think that everything was alright ,but then depression came back. I want to die sometimes, but then i think about my parents and my friends. I think and i wanted to write in some groups, but they wanted to know my father's or mother's e-mail, but i don't want them to know, that this has come again. Some things about my class affect me, because of the previous one. What should I do?😭😭😭

  28. I need u in my life, u should be my depression therapist and btw I still haven't told my parents, I'm scared

  29. i want to die not in an overly dramatic sense, i just don't want to live. it doesn't involve much emotion for me, i just want to be done.

  30. Most people here people are afraid to die because of they family/friends or love ones, I can't relate

    I have no one

    My family are the reason why I have depression

    My friends……I don't have none

    My love ones they all left me

    crushed me

    betrayed me

    hurt me

    Break me….

    They killed me

    So there's no point of me killing myself even if I want to, right? cause I'm already dead, I see no difference, you're alive but you dead, the only thing that separate life&death is that you stop breathing and you sleep forever six feet under ground, and your body slowly rotten, it slowly fade away.

    Well In life your forced to breath, forced to live, I mean you can end it whenever you want but…….(yeah) and you don't get a eternity sleep, and your soul mind and heart slowly rotten, it slowly fade away.

    I don't know why I'm still living seriously….

    I've never felt so much pain.

  31. I wanna die and I‘m not afraid!i don’t care about life sometimes I don’t wanna be happy in life because I don’t see a point😐

  32. My met with Depression when I was 20
    Now I’m 22
    I don’t even remember how I used to be before I met it .
    Sometimes I think if I could go back to those times would I be able to change it but then I think no may be it would be meet me anyhow.
    I know I’ll never be the girl I used to be but I just hope I’ll be able to hold
    Myself up and fight alone even if it’s hurt.
    I hope I’ll be proud later on that I survived Depression I fought with it .
    I hope 🤞

  33. I don’t have depression..
    ..If you have depression, there are people there for you, go and get help..
    even though it seems like it doesn’t help at all, it is worth a try..
    You. Are. Never. Alone
    Please.. for the love of god, never forget this!
    You‘ll eventually get through this!
    ❤️

  34. i have no idea if im depressed or sad, i thought that i am just sad since i'm just 12 yrs o/. But after watching this, i know that i am now

  35. I am so blessed to not be dealing with a mental issue as horrid as depression. My heart goes out to anyone battling depression. Stay strong! 💕

  36. Sometimes I will be walking bare foot on some hot pavement at the waterpark and my first thought is something like "oww" or "get some shoes girl" but now I tell myself that the pain is good and that I deserve to feel the pain.

  37. Nothing has happened to make me feel this way. But I do. And I don’t know what it is and I don’t want to self diagnose. So I’m not going to say it’s depression, but I feel lonely in a room full of people. I feel sad and fake my happiness because I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I cry every single day but have learned to do it silently so nobody will notice I’m upset. I hate myself so so so much. I want to die but I’m afraid. I forgot how it feels to be genuinely happy. I don’t feel like I’m here. I feel like I’m observing everything but like I’m not actually there. I feel numb. I’ve cut. I know I shouldn’t feel this way because this is different than just feeling sad. I can’t find a way to tell my mom because everytime I practice how I’m going to tell her I start crying. This has been going on for several months…and I don’t know what it is.

  38. I wanna die to end the pain but, me committing suicide is just gonna pass the pain to someone else…
    I'm terrified to live but, scared to die…

  39. Why is it always blaming on something invisible rather than people be ignorant whys it always us with the diagnosis that has to a knowledge and not the ignorant ones whether they be random or more hurtfully friends and even family members I don’t think I want to kill myself but I keep wondering do I have to go on misunderstood or will killing myself be the only way for me to show them I wasn’t truelly happy how things were left

  40. Have you ever felt that you dont want to be happy again because you are used to be sad and being happy is such a weird/unwanted thing?

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