What It Feels Like To Have Depression | Body Language

When I tell people
I took a year off uni, I always say
it’s because I was unwell. But I never say
I was mentally unwell. I know people
will react differently, but it shouldn’t be that way. Those two statements
should be treated the same. I think the first time I told
someone I was depressed I was 11. And they were like, “You’re 11. “Do you even possess
the complexity to be depressed?” When I was younger, I’d let
my thoughts just run away from me, and they’d usually end up like
a very dark Shakespeare tragedy, but with more
people of colour in it. Very gloomy, very sad. Later, as a teenager,
I’d put on this black coat and sneak out of school
to walk around town. My friends were
quite literal about it. They called it my depression coat. When I arrived at uni, I… I sort of lost it. It was this crazy explosion
of trying to figure out my own personality,
make friends, adjust, and balance all my mental illness
yet to be discovered. I felt paralysed
by the stress of school. It was like someone had cranked up
the pressure in my body. And I spent a year fumbling
for the valve to turn it back down. The night before an exam,
I was in my room, the pressure had really cranked up,
then something snapped inside me. I remember thinking, “OK, I’m going to die.” I had to call my mum to tell her,
“OK, I’m not doing my exams,” and she wasn’t getting it at all. Like someone being confused
about why penguins can’t fly. “They’ve got two wings,
like all of the other birds, “so why don’t we just throw one
out of a plane?” And then I had to be like, “I tried to kill myself.” Um… Yeah. I got on medication for a while – daily intakes of sertraline
every morning with my breakfast. I used to joke to my friends, “Apparently happiness
tastes like orange juice.” I didn’t like that it sort of
made me feel a bit of a lie, like someone had just turned up some
sort of button in my psychology, or some sort of dial. So I went off it,
and the relapse was awful. It felt like someone
had taken 1,000 rubber bands and just tightened them
round my skull, and I felt very dizzy
and very nauseous. Until eventually it went away
and I was like, “Great, that’s done now.
Not doing that again.” So I didn’t decide to do a year out,
it was deemed on me. But I realised
I could use it as an opportunity and I made time to explore my mind. What worked for me in the end is not
something I could have planned for. The thing that was probably
the biggest impact for me in sort of changing my psychology and changing sort of my outlook
is being more open with everybody. What’s kind of interesting is when you have like
an open conversation with people, have a cup of tea with someone
and say, “Oh, yeah, here’s what “I did in my year out, blah blah
blah, and here’s why I was unwell,” you realise that other people
have gone through that, and it’s hilariously normal. I did a big Facebook post saying,
“Hello, everybody, it’s me. “I’ve been very depressed
and suicidal. How are you?” And then sort of ran away from
my laptop like I’d just released some sort of naked photos
on the internet. But, you know, not only was there
lots of loving feedback coming back, but it was this sort of liberation
that I had taken control of the thing that I’m hiding from
and it’s now mine.

About the author


  1. If you or someone you know are feeling emotionally distressed, the following organisations offer advice and support:

  2. Depression to me is a constant mix of fatigue, stress and boredom. It's a battle to do anything and to feel things.

  3. I am depressed and I feel very uncomfortable saying it to people sometimes because they just don't get it. They're like "you don't look sad" and I'm like "sure because I'm not sad". I mean, who said that depression was about sadness? It's all about emptiness and frustration because you can't feel emotions at all. When something sad happen I can't be sad and when everything is fine I can't be fine. That's what kills me. No one in my family knows I'm depressed, only a few friends of mine do, and that's probably the saddest part.

  4. Me: I think im depressed
    Friend: I've been depressed since i was born

    3 months later.
    Friend: why are you only wearing longsleeves
    Me: ive hurt myself.
    Friend: wtf. Just dont lol.

    (that wasnt actually how i told him but in just done with him) and his reaction was that tho.

  5. depression has absolutely nothing to do with sadness. it's more an unbelievable amount of stress, and dread as well.

  6. this is exactly what I feel like every day I was diagnosed with depression when I was 11 and started taking sertraline.. I got pissed off because It felt fake.. unreal.. I flushed my pills down the toilet and 1 day later I felt super dizzy and nauseous so my mom told the doctor i dropped my pills in the dirt and lied for me.. I'm 13 and I'm still on sertraline..

  7. I am 52. I lost my job. I lost my drivers license. I am dealing with my elderly parents. I am in thier home. I dont have a way through this. Life sure changes when you age a bit and lose all confidence. Hoping for a quick heart attack, so I dont have to do it myself.

  8. ok so i’m 15 years old and i just got out of a partial program. also just got diagnosed with adhd&major depression&anxiety &i was in inpatient before partial. i went on youtube to try to cope w stress and this is the first thing that popped up in my feed thankyou for making me feel like i have someone w me thru this and for posting something millions of people can relate to bc nobody really speaks up about it. you’re amazing💖

  9. This video makes me so sad and frustrated. Im studying abroad in japan, and my friend had severe anxiety attack sometimes. She went to clinics for help like urgant care (emergancy room sorta), and she explained her symptoms and have anxiety. She wanted some medicines but the doctors were all confused and thought she had heart problems. No one in Japan are aware of depression nor provide services and its IRRITATING. Its IRRITATING that no one knows whats going on and just assume its physical health issue when it can be fixed easily with counseloring or medicines. Ive been in Japan for only TWO MONTHs and there has already been TWO SUICIDES off the train traxks already. Its depressing and sick to know how little help these people are getting. MENTAL AWARENESS NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED.

  10. I just can't get over of my depression and anxiety I just think the best i can do is learn how to live with.. cause' that's all I have, me.. I just hope the day i die, soon.

  11. You can’t pretend anything.
    For years I was telling myself that I like me, that I accept me. For years I did everything I could to make it real.
    But each time I feel rejected or not good enough at something, I have a breakdown and want to kill myself.
    It can’t just let me go.
    And my friends, my family, even my boyfriend can’t understand. I feel so lonely.
    (Sorry for the mistakes, I’m French)

  12. It’s becoming very common today that depression does not exist and that its all in your head. Well, to be quite honest, it is all in your head. Depression can be caused by numerous things such as major life changes, a death of a close friend or family member or sometimes (but rarely) can just become depressed without anything happening to you. Basically when you’re going through an emotional state you end up with a chemical imbalance in your brains chemistry.

    So let’s go back to the whole brain chemistry concept. Depression is based on a theory that says that when a sudden or gradual imbalance of chemicals in the brain goes from normal to not normal it can cause you to have an overwhelming sadness. The essential chemical needed to keep depression out of the way and even anxiety is serotonin. Serotonin is an essential chemical needed for the body to function. Serotonin is produced and absorbed in the gastrointestinal tract where you digest food or drink beverages. There’s actually a link between depression and bad food choices. If you can’t produce serotonin in your GI because you decided to eat something with preservatives in it; that can cause you major depression. Where as a healthy person who has a good diet and exercises regularly, won’t get depression. There’s so much more information that can be established in this article, but it’s an article and not a medical paper. So we will keep it basic.

    So a question you might be asking is, “can we treat it?” And the answer to that is simply yes. Thanks to modern medicine we have been able to establish the principles of the brain, how it works and how to treat mental illnesses. During the 1990s the Food and Drug Administration approved a type of medication that wouldn’t alter the brains chemistry pursue, but to simply add more serotonin into the body so more serotonin can run through your neurotransmitters so you don’t get illnesses such as anxiety and depression. These wonderful medication are called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, SSRIs for short; and also Selective Serotonin Norepinephrine Inhibitors, SSNRIs. These two are basically the same chemical compound and do the same thing. Examples of SSRIs are Lexapro, Prozac, Celexa, Paxil, Zoloft and many more.

  13. My friend: Sees my scars Hey Joziah what are those?
    Me: Oh, I just fell down.
    Friend: Are you sure? That bad?
    Me: Yeah.
    Friend: Are you okay?
    Me: Yeah, I'm fine.
    Biggest lie ever

  14. I’ve had depression since I was five :((( you can definitely get it at any age unfortunately, as a little kid I had no idea what was wrong with me and so I never talked about it thinking I would be judged for being different, never feel afraid to speak up about how you truly feel ❤️

  15. Interesting read: Medley.ai developed a self-learning algorithm to detect anhedonia, one of the key symptom-clusters of depression – www.medley.ai

  16. Damn. I’m 14, and I’ve had what I think is depression since I was 11. Never told anyone cause I don’t know how and things aren’t ever getting better. I don’t know what to do, help

  17. Do you ever look at the people around you and wonder how the hell they are so happy when all you do is feel like shit

  18. It feels like I’m in the middle of an ocean and the waves keep hitting me some are smaller than others but as you keep getting hit you start to lose hope in rescue and you start to lose strength.

    Depression feels like I’m drowning in the ocean and nobody is around

  19. It's like I've been opening myself with people but the don't get it, they just close their ears and eyes to me. When I was younger, I'm now 22, every doctor or psychiatrist told me to open myself with people I felt kinda confident with but when I did it they just started complaining about how much weak I was and it is until now… I can't even open my soul to the people I was confident with because they push me down again. So sad.

  20. I know I should be grateful and happy for all that’s around me…and I know I should always smile and be brave cause that’s what men do but I find it harder and harder to look into the mirror everyday just to look at my ugly ass. I should probably get over it xD im to emotional

  21. Am I the only one who feels like mental illness/pain is much much greater than physical illness/pain?

  22. It’s like there’s a hole in me, an emptiness, a lack of feeling or emotion. It’s really sad once I think about some of the situations and circumstances that I’m in. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything yet, because I’m too afraid that some of my friends or family will just think I’m stupid or unintelligent. I had a good friend that has depression and I hardly ever see him. He has depression and I’ve seen what people have thought about him. It’s almost like I don’t want help, thinking that it will increase the suffrage. I hate this. I’m not in control. I don’t know what to do.

  23. I encourage you to open your mind, but to do that you MUST first open your heart.

    The heart! I can guarantee you that secularists and atheists ARE depressed. Yes, severly depressed, whether openly or secretly. And they mask it with vices. In 2015, suicide was the leading cause of death among all

    people 15-44 years of age and the second leading cause of death among those 45-54 years of age. Allah says in the Qur'an :

    "And whoever turns away from My remembrance – indeed, he will have a depressed life, and We will gather him on the Day of Resurrection blind." (Quran 20:124)
    Ask yourself if you want to be one of these people?

    Praise be to Allah, Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world despite the deliberate misrepresentation by Western media. Anyone who believes that the world came about from nothing and doesn't have a Creator is deluding himself. Everything has a creator. Something cannot come from nothing. Even science will agree to that. The universe's perfect order, with just the right amount of gravity did not happen on its own or out of chance. Consider the perfect rotations of the planets, none of them collide with the other. How could a chaotic event that supposedly happened by 'chance', referred to as the 'big bang', bring about a perfectly balanced galactic system where everything runs like clockwork. Just consider, how could an non-intelligent accidental chaos of mass result in intelligent design? To believe it does is madness! And completely irrational.
    You were all born believing in God, and don't think that it is far fetched because if a baby knows to suckle his mother instinctively without being taught to nourish his or her body, he or she also came to this world with the knowlege that there is a God because this knowledge is enough to nourish his soul.
    Allah says in the Qur'an about the souls before they were born: Al-A'raaf (7:172)

    "And [mention] when your Lord took from the children of Adam – from their loins – their descendants and made them testify of themselves, [saying to them], "Am I not your Lord?" They said, "Yes, we have testified." [This] – lest you should say on the day of Resurrection, "Indeed, we were of this unaware."
    173. Or [lest] you say, "It was only that our fathers associated [others in worship] with Allah before, and we were but descendants after them. Then would You destroy us for what the falsifiers have done?"

    And please dont say that you dont have a soul either, just because you cant see it with your own eyes doesn't mean its not there. It is simply cold hard numb. Soon it'll be "we have no brains" "oxygen doesn't exist because we lack the vision to see it". Allah has veiled the eyes of humans from seeing the supernatural, from seeing Him and his angels, and the jinn who live in our realm, just as he prevented us from seeing in the black of night. But just because we cant see in the night doesn't mean its impossible for God's other creations! Many animals can see in different light frequencies and hear different sound waves that you and I cant! We've been restricted also because it would terrify you to see that.
    What can you lose from reading the Qur'an? Seriously, nothing. Maybe you'll GAIN some understanding, and that can only be good. We all descended from Adam and Eve, we are ALL bonded by humanity as bretheren. Patriotic racist rhetoric is one of the greatest inventions of the devil. The devil Iblees was a jinn who thought himself better than Adam and refused Allah's command to bow to him…so THAT is where racism comes from. To remind us and warn us against idolatry, Allah never left us to our own devices. He always sent prophets and most of us believe in the prophethood of Abraham and Noah, Lot, Job, David, Solomon, Jacob, Joseph, Moses and Jesus. The Quran mentions their stories and they are beautiful! And Muhammad is the last and best of them, peace be upon him.
    Just read the Qur'an and dont be ashamed of doing so. Its between you and God. Theres no shame in not knowing, only in not learning.

    I want to underline that Islam is a perfect peaceful way of life, with discipline and compassion. But Muslims are not all perfect, thankfully Allah is Most Merciful Most Compassionate.
    Peace to all, peace on earth.

  24. Depression is a monster but also a best friend, and you are scared of lose her…
    She was always been with me and in my own way I love her but I hate the most in the world…

  25. I've never felt so empty and sad and stressed rolled into one. I literally don't have anybody there for me. I just sit here and cry and go to sleep crying and don't ever get a proper night sleep. I'm exhausted mentally and physically and people say I'm a miserable cow.

  26. unless you personally experience depression you won’t get it. i think its a chemical imbalance of hormones in the brain nothing to do with life. someone can be poor and super happy someone rich very unhappy.

  27. I can relate to the depressed coat. People say it's like being in a deep, dark hole but for me its always felt more like having a thick, heavy blanket over your shoulders all day every day ever season, or like seeing everyone enjoying the summer sun but not being able to yourself because you have a cold.

  28. nobody is telling teens it's okay to be happy and i'm just here like lol am i supposed to be depressed i am confused.

  29. I'll never consider taking flouexitine again, it's evil shit. I lost a decade, a wife, my parents, 20 years of mortgage payments and can't remember the feeling of the memories from that time it's like someone else was living in my life space and I was powerless to participate. O

  30. Being made to feel guilty or responsible for being unwell mentally by those that don't understand is another kick in the balls.

  31. My personal experience with it is being able to feel happy but it’s dulled down to the point where it isn’t enjoyable, I’m tired all the time, I’m stressed out all the time, and my emotions are dulled down. It’s super hard to explain but things that used to be enjoyable or things that are meant to be enjoyable are dull your constantly in your head.

  32. I can’t even function. It’s been a couple months but everyday is a struggle. Especially when you’re hopeless. I don’t understand how some people can be depressed for years this shit sucks

  33. It feels like nothing but the task matters. Because it never can. My ancestors put in more work than any of you cock breathes have, so understand a rock is a rock is a rock.

  34. when I got a panic attack in 6th grade and came home then started to cry my father actually yelled at me. my mom indirectly called me 'coward'
    and even today I have tremendous amount of stress in very moment. I hope they'll cry soon…

  35. "Oh dont worry! Im fine!"

    I said that walking away while walking to the bathroom and slolwy running, I looked in the mirror and cry, I cried because of how much pain I was in, how many lies I've told, a sudden flshback, stress, and it was always like that for me. I'd look in the mirror crying, and I'd hear voices in my head, "You're not good enough!" "You're so weak!" "You're so ugly! Look at yourself!" And no matter how much I tried to stop the voices, they just kept on repeating again and again in my head, I eventually started to agree with the voices, everyday I'd tell myself how worthless, stupid, weak, I am. Not to mention school work and stress, I got to a point where I was leaning towards suicidal thoughts, eventually, I just became uncapable of smiling, being happy, singing, it all disappeard. I could smile infront of others, but for myself? No.. I even stopped crying. I became emotionless and empty. And if I did think about something, it was probably something suicidal, it was kinda like I was emotionally uncapable of having the will to do anything, to a point where in school, I would just go to sleep and dream about suicide and self harm, even to a point that eating and drinking didnt feel real anymore.

    This is what I went through everyday.
    But somehow, I ended up getting better! If you saw how helpless I was in that story, and you can RELATE? Know that IT WILL BE OK. I thought I had no hope, but… God still helped me… No matter who or what you believe in, or what you are and who you are, I believe that you can get better! Take me as your supporter. I care about you❤

  36. Go to see gp doctor and get some medicine. It will help . Otherwise you will turn it more heavy and take long time to fix like me right now. So you still got signs early now. Better get medicine. Just only medicine helps you balance your mood and sleep. Thinking less

  37. Depression make you no motivation, always sit alone, dont like to talk with anyone or share because they are talkative. You will always attract a lot strangers negative from internet because this is fantasy and fake life where you easily get suck . But with us. I show us are real so trust in me. Reduce face to face with negative people even mesages. Their messages always attract you and provoke you a lot. They have many way to harm you even from far away.
    However depression make you sad all the times. Less happier. Always anxious and thinking so much concentrate only one thing and make you stress, cant sleep too. You headache, if you have medicine it will control your mood. Medicine will helps better . Believe me

  38. If you have to work in highly difficult condition. You need more vitamin helps sleeping and medicine for balance your mood( depression)must provide by gp doctor

  39. I remember thinking that there was this big rock in my head. I guess that's similar way of explaining how depression can feel.

  40. People Don’t Want to
    Kill Themselves They Just Don’t Know How to Kill the Pain!!!!!!!!!

    Every Thunderstorm
    Runs Out of Rain!!!!!!

  41. THE best way when feeling depressed is to Contact hospital. Dont try selfmedication like point electromagnetics waves in People and make Them bald. Thats just wont work . All that Will lead nowere.

  42. There are things in life, that doesn't go well…manipulation, taking advantages of you and laugh at you. You felt like trash…you're nobody, maybe it's best if you are "gone". You lost your trust to everyone, you don't trust anything…and started to think…this is life…welcome to my world, i put on a smile so my parents won't worried about me. i am weak…i want to go…forever…

    Well…i'd say there is a hope in everything. i am fine now, if anyone read this. if i can do it, so can you. don't let the dark cloud take over you.

  43. The anxiety is what almost killed me in the end. That constant rock in your stomach 7 years straight with no break.

  44. I had the exact same experience… I had to take a year out too because of depression. I made an excuse as to why but I should have been more honest with people! The more we talk about mental health the better

  45. In the middle of the 10s people started to fake it so its hard to see if somebody is depressed today (im not depressed)

  46. It all returns to nothing, I just keep tumnling down, tumbling down, tumbling down
    It all returns to nothing, I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down

  47. depression is like being alive and dead at the same time, you question everything about life like why no one cares about you/no one knows what you're going through and when you tell them they would pity you ask you stuff and tell you things that don't even help like "why are you even depressed?" or "you'll get over it"

    I'm alive but why? I don't feel anything in me , I feel like I'm nothing…

  48. in my case, being depressed is not being sad. its being numb and feeling nothing. not sad, not bad, just nothing. emotionless, thats how i feel

  49. You don't live with it you exist. I could fight it when i was 18, I can't now its and only hope that one day there is a better life. I wanted it to be this life tho. Being gay was something which I wasn't equipped to deal with in life which has not helped

  50. depression in my case feels like I'm about to die everyday and every night is another battle. every night I think "what if I die in my sleep?" and everyday I wake up to the thought of "I'm gonna have to face nighttime again"
    everyday I'm scared and tired

  51. I honestly just feel like empty and its wierd because not 1 year ago i had motivation and hope to do alot of things but now all of a sudden i have no motivation i oversleep and still feel restless and i feel like nothing i do can give me any help rn life just feels pointless not that im suicidal or anything it just does feel pointless like if someone were to give me a death threat today I wouldn’t really care & i try telling myself i dont have depression cause i cant understand it myself its like i have a mental block preventing me from doing anything and my procrastination is extremely bad the highlight of my day is Netflix and sleep even though i wanna get up and actually be productive and 9th grade is starting which means this is a terrible time to feel like this but im scared to tell anyone

  52. Depression is the slow draining of positivity in your life. You slowly become more aware of what is wrong with the world and only focus on that. You begin to over analyze conversations and interactions with others and make yourself go crazy about things they said or you said..it makes you feel trapped in this square box only big enough for your own body..and it toys with your common sense a lot..it’s ruined my life, and..I wish I could summon the courage to get help

  53. I don't even know why I feel like this. I have no reason to and it makes me feel guilty because I do feel like this. Whenever I tell my friends they say its ok you'll be fine just go pray or something and I know if I tell my family they are gonna say mental illness isn't real or it's just the devil. (They are very religious Muslims) . Everyday I randomly think about suicide and I'm always crying and I have no idea why.

  54. If I would have to describe depression to a non-depressed person who has never been depressed before as well, I would say it feels like an empty dark room without windows nor doors. Even if you would manage to get out of that metaphorical room by the affect of your mind, that would also be temporary since that room is awaiting for you considering your mind is not strong enough to keep you from there forever. Once you get in again, that is when the feeling of emptiness starts, so that's the reason why I associated it with an empty room.

  55. whenever i tell my mum that i’m depressed, she just always says, 'oh, dont worry, none of our family members have mental illnesses and its just puberty or something.'
    like, r u kidding me?

  56. People think depression is when you feel down or if you don't feel like chering up. NO. It will not amount to anything. It's the feeling of isolation, or grieving about something you lost, perhaps a part of you that died. It's like getting lost into oblivion, everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. You feel as though you will never be happy again. It feels like you do not deserve to be looked at, listened to or be given attention because you give a little value to your existence. And the worst part is you don't have the words to describe it to someone so they could understand how it's eating you up alive and you just wanted to be saved.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *