What makes the COVERT Narcissist So Dangerous! How to Spot One and Protect Yourself!

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  1. Too bad you have the label of narcissist on Trump…it truly belongs to the likes of the Obamas and the Clintons. Amazing and a good testimony of the power of denial.

  2. It’s cool that you mentioned that there can be a combination of overt and covert traits, because my toxic person had elements of both but I’ve never heard anyone else discuss overt/covert combos. The combination of the super outgoing quick wit and the martyr/victim behaviors created a really charming facade for people on the outside looking in.

  3. what if they insist in coming up to your office to talk to you? How to deal with it when they force you to interact with them?

  4. Wow , I have been using this technique unknowingly with toxic (so called ) friends. You won't believe it Stephanie , every one of them when I ask about them and their life , completely stop asking about me. I was thinking probably few people talk to you to talk to themselves . Didn't know they are covert narcissist. Everyone of your description fits them

  5. I know a man who is a serial cheater, a VERBAL sex addict that feeds like a parasite. He’s abused and used countless women. Most are phone buddies or chat room

  6. Question: if YOU might be a covert narcissist, how can you find out for sure, and is there any chance you can change if you genuinely want to change more than anything?

  7. I ended up marrying an overt and then a covert narcissist because I hadn't realized the family I was raised by were such strong ones. Or rather, I had, which is why I was the cast out black sheep of the family, but my need not to demonize them in order to recover led to a willingness to go along with their claims/projections in absence of their actual demonstrated company. However, I turned out to be the bad boy tamer rather than the victim, though that didn't mean a fairy tale ending of course, and while I would absolutely agree that the way to handle them is limiting interactions to what you feel is healthy, that's not the same as mentally cutting them out if you can't completely eliminate them. I think of it as speaking their language, recognizing like you said that they don't have healthy emotional regulation skills, and acting accordingly. I suppose it's easier for me because I walk that edge every day anyway just trying to be a good parent in a narcissistic society. Notifying them of what you think of their actions feeds their attention seeking, but simply clearly and immediately "calling their actions" by responding appropriately to controlling behavior does the trick, in my experience. While practicing the opposite action of protection rather than cooperation can give us clarity on how we're being misled, the wise mind of healing remembers that this behavior is just the autopilot of fear and we're not going to solve the problem by starting on their career. I think the reason people trip over them is because they have notions of "healthy control," as evidenced by the fact that it's still not just illegal but strongly defended that children should not be self-regulating: really there's no such thing in a healthy cooperative environment. Acknowledging emotions encourages growth, controlling them stunts it, no matter our age or experience, and we're all just misled kids. It's the children who obey parents who punish emotional acknowledgment in the name of cooperation that become like this, in my experience, and without our own weaknesses, an open attitude cannot be harmed or taken advantage of. Yes, they pretend to be something they're not – sort of. When "all there is is will" and intentions/perceptions don't matter, it's the truly good, sweet, obedient children that become nazis about 'how to force your will in a good way' and they can't understand why that's not good enough because all they've ever been told is that that's all there is. I say, if the narcissist in your life shows any sign of true progress, by demonstrably taking more responsibility for their own emotions rather than just trying to convince you they are, don't cut them entirely out, share the light. They cannot believe anyone could healthily acknowledge something they don't want to hear instead of using it to attack them. Do that for them, and my guess is, you'll see some of the miracles I have, like a rebel wild alcoholic becoming a model citizen, or a highly educated covert narc who stopped stuttering and started playing with his kids..

  8. Dude you’re so off about Trump! How do you just generalize him as a narcissist when he is literally saving the children and making the country better again?

  9. Growing up I was taught nothing about relationships except seeing my own parents’ unhealthy dynamics. I really wished I’d come across this very useful information before getting involved with narcissistic partners, first one an overt whom I had two children with; and the second one a covert whom I thought was the person I’d been looking for all along. I’m not willing to tolerate his narcissistic traits but now faced with the reality of being pregnant once again and soon to raise another child in a broken household.
    Relationship education needs to be part of children’s education! We need to raise emotionally strong future generations.

  10. I loved you until you lumped President Trump in with Hitler. President Trump may have a big ego and is New York brash, but he cares more about our country and the forgotten American people than any of your phony left-wing narcissistic Democratic politicians ever will. Obama, Pelosi, Schumer and every other Democrat are narcissistic, power-hungry, lying totalitarian Statists who couldn't care less about the country – they only want power and Democrat votes at any cost! I'll still stay subscribed and watch your videos because you have great info and advice that connects with me like no one I have ever heard, and you are totally HOT to look at, but no more politics, ok?

  11. Gray Rock! So true, the covert uses personal info against us! Remember, they don't ever have your best interest in mind. Think of them as a con-artist and thief. Awesome advice, Stephanie Lyn!

  12. I can give a good example of a covert male narcissist. I have one that's an older brother that is shy,nervous,intelligent,and artistic. He treats me like his personal servant at home. He leaves dishes in the sink and leaves trash on the tables. He neglects his body. Doesn't shave his facial hair,looks like a hot mess,blames everyone for his problems. He never helped me when I asked him for help with school work. I'm the youngest brother. One day I had told him I refuse to go to the store to do his ridiculous task to buy chips and soda. He punched a hole in the wall to threaten me. I saw his mask drop,so I confronted him and we got into a fight. I was forced to take a stand otherwise I'll live in his shadow. A covert female narcissist I dated her house was a mess as well. I saw piles of clothes on the floor. Candy wrappers on her bed. I recall one night I asked about making her happy and she got extremely violent and threatened to file a false rape report on me. I broke up with her the next day. I still have the scar on my right elbow after she pushed me off the concrete steps followed up with pointing a gun at me.

  13. Thank you so much for your videos and your podcast I love them Stephanie. They have helped me so so much, so thank you. I have a question the healing process with a covert narcissist is the same as with a normal narcissist?


  15. A Covert usually presents as the victim everything is someone else's fault. They often use enormous amounts of guilt to get what they want. They tend to feel entitled like a Overt but it tends to be in more of a needy way. They normally try to present as a caring loving person especially in public while at the same time letting you know how hard life is for them. They are very envious again like the Overt but rather than trying to top your achievements they try to cut you down and make you feel bad about something good. The only area where they will try to top you is when you say something is going wrong, trouble at work, your sick whatever then all of the sudden they are trying to top you. In private the other go to tool they use is anger which often goes hand and hand with guilt and entitlement. They have grandiose ideas about what could have been if not for…fill in the blank. Holidays normally suck because it never meets their expectations, it is never the right gift. They will do nice things for you at times but always with the expectation of reciprocation and punishment when you do follow up. Boundaries are a no no for them they want things done on their terms regardless if you are doing something to help them out or not.

  16. This description is absolutely fascinating and fits a girl of mine EXACTLY. it's so close that it's uncanny. I've always suspected that she's worn the nice girl face for a long time. Man this is creepy


  18. My ex mother in law was a overt narc and my ex husband was a covert. I could never understand them until I went to counseling.

  19. You're on point with staying unemotional with a narcissist. They THRIVE off of emotions because it leaves a person open to their manipulation. Seen this firsthand and it can be very powerful. As in talking people into giving thousands and thousands of dollars to them through an online persona. No bullshit.

  20. I have two covert narcissists in my life and I’m lucky to be alive. They might have tried to get me hurt and what I’ve heard indirectly, other people intervened and kept me out of the loop.

  21. I'm so grateful for your videos and advice; I wouldve never known that my ex is a covert narc if it wasnt for your content. She literally fits the exact description of who you described here that it's scary! Victim mentality is the biggest sign, I believe, and when I would try to hold her accountable it was always turned onto me. No contact is changing my life for the better!

  22. this is your personal ,leftists , anti-Trump platform to smear our President. He gives empathy to people who need empathy. He speaks the truth about his being attacked by the media with "fake news".
    I live with a covert narcissist. He shows me no empathy. I know the difference. You should leave the diagnosing up to the Dr's.

  23. Can you do a video on how children of narcissists can strive for the "healthy" middle of the spectrum between codependent people pleasing and covert narcissism?

  24. Coming out of a 5 year relationship and I thought I was crazy. Questioning myself on all the things I did. I never knew there was a such thing as a covert narcissist. I’m not perfect I have bpd. A covert narcissist that has a drinking problem AND bpd? It was never going to work. I’m going into therapy for myself and don’t plan on seeking any type of relationship for a long time. I don’t feel the energy to even be friends with a member of the opposite sex. #selfhealers

  25. Narc "What type of guy are you into" Narc mind 'What behaviors can I feign to best keep you around for my abuse cycle'….

  26. Stephanie, thank you so much for your amazing videos. I really appreciate your knowledge on the topic of Narcissists. For a very long time I thought I was going crazy about this person in my life. I started feeling like I had to keep walking on eggshells about everything I did. Your videos have helped me understand things better. 😊👍

  27. It is truly ridiculous to put Donald Trump in the same category as Hitler. It truly trivializes the victims of the Nazis.

  28. @2:05 Putting your name on a building means you lack empathy? Or does he lack empathy because you disagree with his politics?

  29. Strange but do narcissists seem to get very uncomfortable when you are genuinely sobbing about something in your life? When you are just crying and they get annoyed? Even if they are not the reason you are crying… That's my experience anyway. The one I'm thinking of made it all about him last night. I had legitimate reasons just to be crying. I didn't need him to solve anything for me, it was just a lot of emotional stress. I had a baby 10 days ago… And he went on about how it's hard for him as well, and that he's been having it really rough…. He just seemed completely annoyed that I was crying

  30. We all can see the traits of our President, whom I admire so much for his love for America and his actions taken to help our country, but to say his name in the same breath as a monster like Hitler is wrong and offensive! I'm sure any president we've had got to that position with some level of narcissism. I think BHO was a definite narcissist, and one who obviously did not love our country.

  31. One sure way to spot a covert narc is that they will give you some sob story about themselves and seek your sympathy and love in the first few dates. In my case, it was some tragic story of a blood disease and that she had only 6 months to live!!! Beware, the moment you hear such stories. Most coverts are females in my opinion – and they love to portray themselves as Tragedy Queens. Walk away as soon as you can when you see these signs and save yourself the misery that they will throw at you

  32. so Harvey cleckley sad that for all intents and purposes sociopath and psychopath can be used interchangeably there is not a real difference is somebody who lacks complete conscience and all psychopaths are inherently narcissist that is all psychopaths have the characteristic of being the center of the universe not all narcissists are psychopaths so I disagree with it going from a spectrum of narcissistic to psychopathic please read above statement. And yes all human beings have narcissistic characteristics there is a severe difference as it is diagnosable as a pathology.

  33. It seems to me that both covert and overt narcs will play the victim role frequently. But like you say, it’s a spectrum. Perhaps I’ve mostly encountered coverts who project a lot of grandiosity.

  34. I think people with NPD slide between covert and overt, depending on who, what, where, when, why. As it suits them and their goal. In my case, he was overt with me, and completely stealth around everyone else. This is part of the crazy making/gaslighting/image control. Just my two cents.

  35. After 25 years of marriage my covert Narcissist wife found an overt Narcissist boyfriend. He asked her to give him all the money from my business and my savings. She gave it all to him. They funded his new restaurant, which failed quickly. I was forced to sell my company at a loss and signed a 7 year contract that I couldn’t work in my field. I was destroyed in amazing ways.
    That was 14 years ago.
    Up until a few months ago, I had no idea of why she enjoyed destroying me.
    Your videos help me process my feelings. Unfortunately, I’m a deep thinker, constantly processing information.
    I’ve gone no-contact for 14 years. She turned my kids into Flying Monkeys.
    I can understand why she is a Narcissist, but I can’t understand why people remain as loyal Flying Monkeys for many years? Why would my kids never grow up and cut the umbilical cord to the Narcissist?

  36. All of this is so horrible, and crazy. I’m happy to be able to understand more about these kinds of people.

  37. Both my ex-wife and now recent ex-girlfriend are covert narcissists. I was starting to recognize subtle parallels between the two of them. Both were amazing women at the beginning, both revealed that they were abused in childhood after time passed, both changed dramatically over the course of time, both broke up with me in the end. Don't like dealing with them when the mask finally comes off. They're very cold people, claiming they had to do what's right for them. Making it my mission now to spot them and weed them out faster.

  38. We need caped crusaders super heroes to spot full blown narcissists and the ones that are on their way to becoming one. Does being a victim and then educating oneself makes one a better narc detector? I’d say so. What if you have endured years of abuse? You’re all dressed in your finest costume and cape standing in front of the mirror admiring yourself and all the detector lights and sirens on your helmet go off?

  39. Just a quick question i believe the girl im with is a covert narcissist and is a foodie and almost always talks about food. Can being a foodie also be considered as a tool to deal with those suppressed emotions inside? Also i notice she doesnt want to talk about certain subjects and just rather avoid them each time they are brought up.

  40. They Need a Toilet Roll to Wipe Their Mouths / to Wipe away all the Shit They Speak Mainly about Every One Else.

  41. Thank you. What I experienced with the gal I was dating was so bewildering and still is at times. She portrayed herself to others as the kind sweet girl, when she would come home it was all negative about her friends and coworkers. She also used that sweetness with me at the beginning overtime her mask fell. It’s been about 5 months since the last time I saw her and there are times when I remember the kind sweet person she portrayed and start to feel like I was the bad one, I look at these videos and a list of what I experienced to remind me. The fact is, the relationship (if it can be called that) was a symptom of my inner self. At a certain point we have to move away from them being the focus and ourselves being the focus to heal, recognize where we need to grow positively, love ourselves and create an inner peace. Thank you for your videos as you don’t just focus on them, but also add that we need to focus on creating a healthier version of ourselves.

  42. my relationship moved very quickly. I wanted to take things slow but she said "it felt right," and it did at the time. Crazy sex, showering me with gifts, telling me how happy she is with me. Then I started to realize she was hiding things, her actions didn't always match her words, she would surround herself with people who thinks she walks on water (triangulation?).

    Then she started to stonewall me when I wanted to talk about our relationship, but would accuse me of shutting her out. She told me she felt "weird" on our anniversary, and when I started to panic and ask her what she meant by that, stonewalled me.

    I became depressed with my jobs, and she asked if there was anything she could do, and I said "no" because I wanted to be strong for her. She was hurt by that. We started arguing all the time. Shortly after that, she lined up someone else, stopped answering my calls, one word answers, excluding me from plans, criticizing me (starting with little things), then she dumped me.

    I sometimes wonder if I'm the narcissist because I portrayed some of the habits. I often blame myself for what happened because of how toxic I became. I said and did hurtful things too that I deeply regret and am ashamed of. Was she a narcissist? Am I just playing the victim? It's been over a year and I am still in a whirlwind of confusion, missing her, obsessing, shame, regret, guilt…

  43. You described my ex wife to the T. I didn’t realize she was like that unto the end. I thank you for this information.

  44. Q: so I was dating a narcissist and I knew after breaking up with him that he checked all the boxes. But when it came to his family, they didn’t believe he was, which is totally crazy to me but I guess he was playing two different people. How can you make people realize who he truly is?

  45. What if the Narc is using your child as a tool to boast himself and dish for compliments on social media? For example, sharing his location and what they’re doing. When this person only see’s our child 2-3 a year, doesn’t pay child support, doesn’t really call or do anything else to maintain the long distance relationship. It’s incredibly frustrating to see your child being used for his own personal agenda.

  46. Also- how do you protect your child from the manipulation of their overt and covert (my ex shares traits of both) father?

  47. All the characteristics you have just described about a Narcissist ring a bell loud and clear in my mind about President Donald Trump.

    He does not take responsibility, always blaming others – from his own staff-revolving door in the White House, to victimising the Democrats' women senators, to hitting other countries with trade wars and accusations which the US is equally if not more guilty of.

    He is also clearly a big bully, name-calling and labelling to make others look bad and he himself looks good; hitting out at each and every person who does not agree with him and his dictates.

    Previously, I was carried away, without noticing all his hidden covert negatives, by his speeches (which I found out later to contain lots of lies, misinformation and disinformation) and so supported and voted for him. BUT now I know him through and through what type of a man (or beast) he really is.

    100% Narcissistic Nazi-like Racist, Sexist and Manipulator for selfish gains. That was how he made his $Billions (always at others' expense).

    Now he is making use of the kindness and naiveness of those voters who do not have the sharpness to cut through his veiled schemes of things.

    He is a big disgrace to USA and Patriotic Americans!

    The following paint a picture of Donald Trump loud and clear:

    "The danger is the triangulation. And the lying. The smear campaign. And bait and switch. They direct hatred and abuse toward targets. They play the victim or the big protector. Double standards. Entitled to rage and abuse anyone who disagrees and the covert narcissist will come in and falsely accuse the victim and play the big protector. The abuse will be so intense and self righteous that some people will think there must be something to it. It's like sibling rivalry. Bait and switch and tattle. They are very convincing and accuse the real victim of all these things. They lie better than the victim tells the truth and the story tends to sound incredible. The card stacking tends to be heavy on the vague generalities. Or subtle stories that frame the target while making them look innocent. Very skilled liars and self deceptive."

  48. Thank you for this elaboration, my eyes were covered by smoked screens for 15 yrs, I was a puppet of this master puppeteer and I think I found the biggest manipulative family there is. This covert Narcissist and her family ruined me entirely, I was lucky to get away with my life, whatever is left of it. Stephanie thank you for confirming my doubt. Words can not explain how much your video has helped me. 🙏

  49. Honestly, i feel like i used to be a covert narcissist… just extremely insecure. My brain would instantly go towards the negative. If someone complimented me – I'd think they were making fun of me. It's actually a terrible, terrible way of living. Being painfully selfware of your reactive tendencies, then hating yourself for so long after for hurting someone you care about.

    I'm glad i've worked on myself a lot because i hated who i was.

  50. yep, this happened to me the first time (I am 48) this past March…the first month was total love bombing unlike I have ever experienced, then a month into it she pulled back almost completely…by mid June she discarded me…luckily her new supply must be great, I have not heard from her in almost 5 weeks. What a crazy, wild and super confusing experience…the self love has been helping but it is taking a lot of time.

  51. Miss Stephanie Once again a Huge Thank You…Your A True Professional With A Huge Heart.Your Videos Help me out and i cant lie i Rewatch them when i get sideways and start blaming myself.I really do Appreciate you taking time out of your Busy life to anserw my Questions as well as these Great Videos.

  52. I think I've seen more female coverts then male's. My ex bf definitely had an ex wife who was a covert n she emotionaly destroyed him she seemed to only be happy when he was hurt. She would reel him in and then leave him over n over again. I never could understand why he couldn't see she didn't want him what she trully wanted was for nobody else to have him. As far as I know she still hasn't changed she cheats on him emotionaly physicly it's sad to see someone get glee from someone elses emotional distress.

  53. I don't know if I'm a narcissist or a victim. I always thought I was a victim. I'm beginning to think I might be the covert narcissist. I feel like I'm waking up in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

  54. I would love your advice. I've suffered my whole life from self esteem and fighting to fit in. I've made mistakes…plenty and overcome a lot. I feel like I've hurt people inadvertently to protect the fragile space I have that tetters onbreaking everyday due to a stressful job. My question is …what is wrong with me? I'm kind…too kind, people walk on me all the time and I feel way too much! I'm struggling

  55. I agree with the gray rock principle. But what if your work in an open office atmosphere, so the covert narcissist and the people you want to talk to hear everything?

    I've found holding a mirror up to little deflating jabs from the narcissist helps. And coming from a filter of comedy so as to not show you are upset but just being honest and pointing out their negative energy but staying in a positive upbeat mood. Sometimes I feel like just saying less to the co-workers I like but I refuse to be stifled by negative energy. So although the situation isn't the best as I have to spend my full 8 hour work day in the presence of a negative Nancy, I try to stay true, be myself, engage, be honest, and call the narcissist on their shit so that at least themselves and others can see it for what it is.

    It's making the best of the situation as it is. It would rock if the narcissist was fired or left the company. But the reality is they are their so I'll just handle it the best I can, accept it, and learn from the experience of dealing with this person as I am sure they will not be the last one I encounter and the knowledge and experience I am gaining from being aware and dealing with tbis current one will surely come into handy with the next one.

    Long comment… thanks for your great insight Stephanie!

  56. My ex covert narc, when angered by someone would always say they think I'm nice but just wait…….
    I shouldn't made a sticky note.

  57. Listening to this, it is exactly how I noticed when they were going after 'new prey'! They would be telling me about 'helping' someone out, favours, the kindness of strangers, pitying someone, possible jobs and hobbies (one was even working with senior citizens), adopting others' clothing, even opinions etc. Something was 'fishy'. Oh ya, and all the same stuff they had said and done when meeting me, they were new in town, looking for work, caring for elderly Mother, etc. none of which turned out to be true. That and they were actually very miserable, perverse and violent. AND, thanks to you, I also heard somewhere that keeping that Mask is biologically very exhausting. I understand now that somewhat explains the abrupt 'tantrums' and 'sulking' etc. It is because they need to CAUSE a 'silly' split about 'nothing' rather than attention falling upon their actual abusiveness and an excuse to go recharge their mask battery!

  58. With my covert ex I found that he had two groups of people in our town (you either love him or hate him) the people that love him just have not seen his mask slip yet.

  59. I remember when I first met my exes son. He told me "this is not dad" this is not who he is". I should have listened. It took over a year for me to see his mask completely fall off. It slipped off a few times but it didn't completely fall off for about a year.

  60. my TWO sisters…ya, not just one but TWO covert narc siblings. took me 3 decades to figure them out…but now that I know, I'm so empowered….

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