Why Am I SO Attracted To Toxic Masculinity? | Kat Blaque

This video was brought to you by the lovely
members of my Patreon. I do love a guy who is so confident in his masculinity that he
can wear nail Polish. She can, you know, be a little bit of eccentric and things like
that and it doesn’t contradict his masculinity. I think that’s sexy as hell. I think that’s
incredibly [blankin’] sexy. Right. Um, but I don’t want to date a guy who isn’t comfortable
being a man and doesn’t like the fact that he’s male. [music] Hey guys, it’s Kat and It’s time for another
episode of true tea. Thank you so much for joining me here for yet another episode of
true tea. It has been a whole week since I’ve seen you. How have you been? What have you
been up to? I’ve been playing a bunch of Witcher three. I’m like obsessed with that game. I’m
also very disappointed that apparently he’s not bisexual and you can’t make him sleep
with elves. To me that was just like a game flaw. It was a design flaw, something that
they should have added into the game. I mean, listen, I look, I’m, I’m straight and some
of my best friends are straight, you know, um, but we need some homosexuality in this
virtual world. So I’m kinda disappointed that you can’t make him sleep with elves. Um, but
you know, I guess there are worse things anyway, we’re going to be having a conversation about
masculinity and dating, but before we do, I would highly suggest you go to your kitchen
and get a drink. Now, personally, I am drinking some goon. Um, I am actually on my way to
a date. I have a date with this animator guy that I had been sort of seeing and he’s been
really great. He’s been really reinvigorating my animation passion. So I’m kind of excited,
but also we’re going to go out and he’s going to make me pay for my own drinks. So I’m bringing
a flask and I’m drinking before I go out. So don’t judge me, judge your mother. Anyway,
let me stop this and let’s get into this video. So a little while back we had a conversation
about me dating several people who turned out to be either cross-dressers or trans women.
Right now. I made it really clear in that video that those are two completely different
things, right? But the common theme for me was that I was dating several people who presented
themselves as these sort of hyper masculine men who turned out to be not quite that or
turned out to have a secret sort of feminine, you know, expression of some sort, whether
it be a fetish or just a thing that they did behind closed doors, whatever. And I felt
kind of, I dunno, I felt a little misled and betrayed. Um, and because I’ve had that experience
so many times, it has made me a little bit, um, sensitive, I guess you could say to dating
people who are a little bit feminine. So in this video I really wanted to talk to
you guys a bit about that and sort of, you know, talk about my attractions because a
lot of people said, you know, cause I made a comment that I like to date, you know, man
man, Manly McMannersons on Mannerson lane. Um, and I’ve, whenever I’ve mentioned this,
whenever I’ve talked about my specific attraction to men who I consider to be typically masculine,
I get a lot of comments from people who want me to digest why that is and to kind of, you
know, really go into, you know, why that is in self, reflect about that. And so I guess
that’s what this video is going to be. With that being said, as we sat in that video,
I’m going to say it in this video. This is going to be a sloppy ass conversation. I’m not going to say the right things. I’m
going to use the wrong terminology. It’s going to get all mixed up. But true T’s all about
me being true and honest and real. It’s about me sort of telling you guys the truth about
how I feel about things. So I’m not going to change my language. I’m not going to, you
know, shift the way that I speak about things because I want you to get a full realistic
scope of how I actually feel. Now, I’m not saying don’t correct me. I’m not saying don’t
criticize me. Please do. But I’m saying that I’m just going to have the conversation without
having to think about whether or not it’s going to offend my audience because Hey, y’all
should be used to getting offended by me by now. It just sort of is what it is. So let’s
talk about it. So I guess, um, if I were to look at my partners,
I feel like they’re a good description of like the kind of men that I date. Now, if
this is for some reason, the first video of mine that you’re watching, I am a trans woman
and I am polyamorous and currently I have, I would say 3.5 partners. Um, and I say that
because I’m, I’ve just, I, there’s a guy that I just recently started to date and we’re
getting along really, really well. And so, you know, who knows what that’s going to go.
Not the animator though. He’s also a potential. Um, but yeah, I’m polyamorous, I have multiple
partners and you know, it’s so funny, my, I had a friend who, um, we were having a conversation
about types, right? Um, and I personally don’t really think that I have like a type, I have
like what I consider to be like on a lizard brain level attractive, which we’ll get to
later. But I think if you were to look at all of
my partners, they’re all very kind of different from each other. They’re all sort of different
in a way that they, um, you know, express themselves and are, which is partially why
I’m dating them because they all are different. I don’t want to date the same guy several
different times. I want to date different men. Right. Um, so I guess I haven’t really
told you guys much about my partners, so maybe we should go down the list and give them fake
names and descriptions just so you guys kind of understand a bit of where I’m coming from.
Right. So I guess, um, we’ll start out with the partner that I’ve been with the longest.
What sort of fake name are we going to give to him? We’re going to call him Nathan. Right.
Nathan is a guy who I’ve been with since I’ve been out of my last relationship. Nathan is the guy who corrected me and introduced
me to BDSM. He’s also the first man that I’ve dated who was polyamorous. We almost didn’t
date because he has a rule about not dating people who are inexperienced with polyamory.
Um, you know, but he gave me a chance and we’ve been together ever since and it’s been
going really, really, really, really well. I would say. Um, Nathan is the kind of guy
who, you know, he, he has a, a military background, but it’s not a huge fan of the military. He’s
very, he’s very kind of like anti government and things like that, which I love. Um, and
he’s just a very sort of capable person. Right. Um, like I said, he’s the one who got me into
BDSM. He’s somebody who is very, very, very into rope. He is part of a very serious, very
world rundown rope tie in group. And so we do a lot of like little rope tying things
and he’s just a very sort of, I would say discipline kind of guy. Um, he has a sword.
I love men with swords. I don’t know what it is. It’s very sexy today. Um, but yeah.
Um, I, I w like I said, we’ve been together for three years and so it’s been obviously
going pretty well and we like each other quite a bit. He is a very capable, responsible,
competent guy. And all of that feeds into my base attraction to him, but also the sort
of BDSM dynamic that I think I have with him. Right. So that’s one of my partners. Nathan,
let’s take a sip to Nathan. Right? So then I have my partner who lives in Portland.
We’re going to call him Victor. Victor is an older guy, he’s in his fifties, and he’s
very, very, very, very sort of spry. He, he’s basically a gymnast. Um, and he is from the
golf community keys, you know, tangentially involved in the, the, the BDSM community,
but it’s not necessarily his thing. Um, I met him when I was visiting, um, Portland
speaking at the university out there and we just sort of were drawn together. And so we
try to organize, um, you know, vacations and things together when we can. Um, he’s the
one that I go to Folsom street fair with. If you guys saw me in some of those, the people
I met at Folsom street fair, you guys ran into him. Um, and he’s great. You know, he’s,
he’s a really, really good guy. He is a jeweler. He runs a jewelry business
and he is very, very talented. He tinkers a lot. He is a sort of guy who doesn’t like
to sleep in a normal bed. He likes to camp. Um, he sleeps in a hammock. Um, and he has,
I would say out of all of my partners, I would say the guy who has I guess the least sort
of typical gender expression, he, the way he described it to me was in his mind, his
gender expression is very like David Bobi, right. Um, he does like to wear sort of silly
outfits. He likes to go to like thrift stores and find like velvet pants and leather pants
and things like that sometimes from the women’s section. And that’s what he wears. You know,
he does have a little bit of a, how to say this. Um, he, he’s a little bit, he’s kind
of a fancy man. He’s kind of a fancy man. Um, he, when we
went to, um, an event in Portland, a BDSM, some event in Portland, um, he wore this women’s
corset, but it looks not like a woman’s course at when he wears it. It looked very, very
good. And he walked around with his, with his floggers and he still was, you know, daddy
in my mind, but I don’t call him that. He doesn’t like being called back cause it’s
the age difference is a little too real. Right. So anyway, that is Fichter I’m Victor and
I have been together for two years. Um, so that’s Victor. Then there is, what is his
name going to be? Let’s give him a good name. Um, Adrian just cause it’s so different from
what his actual name is. Adrian is the guy who is married with kids on and he is, he’s
somebody who used to go to a lot of golf clubs. He actually knows a lot of my friends from
the cop golf community because the community is the same and people club for years and
years and years and years and years. Um, but he doesn’t really go out anymore because he
is, you know, married with children. Um, him and I don’t really get to see each other that
often. Um, just because he’s so busy. We actually made a date today, which I’m pretty excited
about and he’s just very much a responsible, intelligent kind of guy. Um, when I moved
to my apartment, I ha I was dealing with this issue of people stealing my Amazon packages
and he came over and installed cameras in my apartment. So I actually have a security
system all because he just out of wanting to be protective of me came over and installed
cameras in my apartment so that I could watch, you know, people coming in and out of my apartment
or going around my apartment. I have one pointing towards my parking spot
even though I don’t drive. Um, and I really, really appreciate that and I’ll be honest,
like it turned me on that he was that sort of protective of me, right? And that he was
willing to sort of, you know, do that for me. I just, I think that that’s something
that for me is sort of a good base of like attraction that I have, right? All of these
men are men who are actively willing to defend me, actively willing to protect me, actively
willing to be a competent person in my life. And I know that that’s why I am attracted
to them and I would consider them all to be in their own way, quite masculine. Right?
So I guess we have to have a conversation about what is masculinity, you know, and what
defines it. Because of course one of the sort of issues with being attracted to masculinity
in quotations is that oftentimes in society our ideas of what is and isn’t masculine are
not things that exist in a vacuum. You know, what we have considered to be masculine
in society often as coupled with a lot of really damaging, dangerous, scary things.
You know, um, when I was doing my research about toxic masculinity, which by the way
was not coined by feminist, was actually coined by men’s rights activists. Um, it was really
interesting to listen to the way that men were working towards redefining what masculinity
was. Because of course, a lot of times masculinity is defined by how much you differentiate yourself
from a woman, how much you abuse and control women and LGBT people. That is what a lot
of people associate with masculinity. This sort of violence difference from anything
feminine or anything that could be outside of typical heterosexuality, right? But obviously
in the LGBTQ plus community, we have sort of different conventions about masculinity,
right? Obviously because I’m a trans woman and a lot of people, you know, conflate the
experiences of trans women and gay men. There’s no way for me to have a conversation
about me being attracted to masculine men without also having a conversation about fem
phobia and the gay community. Right. Which side note, I’ve never been part of the gay
community. Don’t know anything about that really, other than, you know, the stuff that
I watch on YouTube and television, um, you know, but I know that it’s irrelevant conversation
and a lot of times when people talk about that within the context of the LGBT community,
a lot of it cycles around this sort of concept of self hatred. You’re somebody who is a gay
man who is feminine, who doesn’t want to date gay men. You want to date somebody who seems
like a straight guy. You want to date somebody who seems like you know, a sort of Butch masculine
dude. When that may not actually be who it is. And so it’s a whole other thing in the gay
community to, you know, sort of have this very curated masculinity, which is actually,
it’s just so distinctly different than I think just someone who’s just naturally a masculine
guy. I mean, I think you can kind of know what I’m talking about where like you meet
like this a gay guy who within the context of the gay community is, you know, mr masculine
Butch number five, right? But you put him next to, you know, your sort of regular you
in quotations, masculine dude, um, who, it’s not contrived, it’s not curated, it’s not
put together and his masculinity seems feminine next to it. You know what I mean? It’s that
sort of interesting, weird, contrived masculinity that is still valid but is not really pulling
from those sort of honestly oppressive heterosexual ideas. Right. And so I guess, you know, it
is sort of a conversation that I think is complicated because what is masculinity? What does that even look like? How is someone
masculine or not masculine? Right. And something that I actually had to recognize was that,
you know, I think as we’re having these conversations about ever-evolving masculinity, we really
do have to sort of figure out what it is. There’s some people who say that masculinity
as a concept on its own should just be a race. You know, masculinity is inherently oppressive.
Um, which is why often when people express, um, an attraction to masculinity, there’s
always a sort of pressure to think about why that is. Why are you attracted to this oppressive
thing? Now, personally, I hold, I, I hold that masculinity is not oppressive on its
own as like an idea. I think it can be, I think that masculinity can be toxic, but does
it need to be? I think that a lot of the things that we consider to be, um, you know, masculine
are things that everybody can do. You know, I know that for me, I consider a
man who’s very competent and very confident and, and very willing to protect the people
that he, you know, he loves, I consider that to be very masculine, right? But of course
a woman can do the same exact thing. It’s not sort of different. And a woman who does
that isn’t necessarily masculine. That’s not really what that is. Right? But we do attribute
that to masculinity. So I’ve kind of had to do this thing where I’ve recognized that these
things can be on their own, extracted and genderless. Right. But in so many ways, in
my mind, I kind of do gender some of that stuff. And so I D I do sort of translate that
to some of my attractions because you know, look for like for example, when, when my partner
Adriana I think is the name that I gave him when Adrian came over and installed, you know,
cameras and was protective for me, that was him being very, very masculine. And Adrian’s the kind of guy where, you know,
look, all the men that I date to some degree are feminists in their own right. He very
much believes in letting his daughter be a liberated woman and letting her do her own
thing and not controlling her body. He said to me very blatantly that he wants his daughter
to go out and have great sex and to be happy and to be able to, you know, he’s a very,
very socially aware guy. He also has his sort of patterns of he wants to be the protector,
he wants to be the provider. And what I’ve recognized is that I’m very naturally attracted
to men who are like that. So now believe back to natural attraction, right? I’m like I said,
I have these lizard brain things that I find attractive and I do associate a lot of those
things with masculinity, right? Um, I get into trouble every single time.
I acknowledge that I’m incredibly attracted to men who are taller than me. Right now I
am five, 10 right? And one of the things I think about a lot recently is about how, how
many times I have dated men who, you know, we have these conversations about, you know,
let’s die. Let’s really dissect like what you’re attracted to you. And maybe talk about
why those things are problematic, right? I understand how it feels to somebody who is
shorter for me too. In so many ways, you know, communicate that I don’t see men who are shorter
than me to be masculine, which is not how I feel. But I understand that that’s what
it comes off. Like. That’s what it comes off as is men who are shorter than me are less
attractive. Right. That’s again not what I’m saying, but it’s definitely what is communicated,
right? We have so many conversations about that,
about how when you know, look, we’re going to have to be real women specifically needs
to be more open minded and need to not dismiss certain kinds of, of men. You know, a woman
is closed minded for being only attracted to men who are, you know, taller than her.
And listen, I again, I’m five 10 it’s, it’s been kind of hard for me to date men who are
taller than me. You know what I mean? Like it’s not, I’m not the tallest person in the
world, but I am tall compared to a lot of people. And there are a lot of people who
pursue me who, um, you know, are not, are not taller than me. And, and I think the thing
that gets me is I’ve had so many conversations about dating men who are shorter than me that
I got to the point where I, I mean, when I was younger, I used to be very like, I’m not
dating men who are [inaudible], who are shorter than me. It just 100% isn’t how it’s going to go. And
then I dated a guy who I believe it was like four, four white. It was very, very, very,
very short. And he had all of the features of what I was attracted to. He was just a
shorter guy. That relationship didn’t work out for other reasons, but we did see each
other and it was positive. And I, and it kind of let me understand that I could date shorter
men, right? But here’s the thing though, here’s the thing. While I’ve spent years getting
to the point of respecting and accepting that men can still be attractive and be shorter
than me or not quite be physically what I’m attracted to. Almost every time I’ve ended
up dating a guy who is much shorter than me, not every time, but a lot of times I end up
dating guys shorter than if you can kind of tell with time that he resents our height
difference. You know, that he, the fact that he’s not
being able to exert himself in a certain way because he isn’t taller than me, you know?
Um, and then I see who they date after and they’re almost always when the newer, much,
much, much, much, much, much shorter. You don’t usually see a guy who dates mostly tall
women. Right. I, I’m, I’m always stuck by the fact that CIS men specifically are free
to have preferences for what they’re attracted to. But when I talk about what I’m attracted
to, I have to sort of sit down and talk about why that’s so oppressive, you know? Um, and
I’m always stuck within these conversations about, you know, I understand, you know, the
people who are feminine, who feel terrible about being rejected romantically. Um, I understand
why they would want to have conversations about why, you know, you shouldn’t just dismiss
people just because of the way that they may be, that they may still very much, you know,
pres, you know, give you a, a good relationship or whatever they, I mean, I understand those
conversations totally, completely right. What I personally don’t understand is asking
people to deny what they are naturally kind of attracted to and thinking that it would
be noble to date somebody who’s outside of what they consider to be attractive. You know,
listen, I am a tall black transgender woman, right? Um, there are a lot of people who I
am not their type, I’m not their type. And I think for me, I’ve always been really paranoid
about dating people who ultimately are not attracted to me, but are dating me because
they want to convince themselves of something. You know? And I’ve unfortunately been in a
lot of relationships like that where I can tell that someone’s dating me to prove something
to themselves and not necessarily because they are as lizard brain attracted to me as
I might be to them, you know? And so I kind of have this weird thing where I do have,
I what I’m naturally attracted to, I’ve studied on here before. I like the kind of guy who looks like he could
throw me across the room. Right. That’s kind of what I’m attracted to. Now. Do I date only
men who look like that? Absolutely not. I mean, if you were to line up all of my partners,
right? Nathan is six, two very, you know, decently built, you know, in shape kind of
guy, right? Victor is five, nine, you know, very, very spry, very, very athletic, very,
very fit. Right? But you know, he definitely couldn’t throw me across the room. Right?
Um, Adriana, I forgot the fake name already. Adrian is about my height and you know, he’s
got a dad bod, which I like. Um, and you know, he is a very, very hairy kind of guy. But
he also couldn’t like physically throw me across the room, you know, so like I’m attracted
to all these people and they don’t necessarily embody every single thing I’m attracted to
about men, but you know that. So I date people outside of that, but I can’t
ignore that when I do meet a guy who is a tall sort of dude who looks like he could
throw me across the room that I’m attracted to that. And I think one of the things I get
really, um, I don’t know how to say this correctly, but like I really do not like being in situations
where people tell me that those attractions are wrong, that I shouldn’t feel that way,
that there’s something inherently wrong with me being attracted to men in that way and
that there is somehow oppressive. Do you know what I mean? That’s some shit that like really
just, I don’t, I can’t even begin to kind of describe it to you guys. Like it’s, I don’t
like this idea that I can’t just be attracted to men. You know what I mean? Like, I can’t, it really kind of gets to me.
It really, it really does. You know, um, I mentioned this in my video about, you know,
me dating people who turned out to be cross-dressers or turned out to be on trans women. You know,
as a transgender woman, people always expect me to be more open minded than the average
person. Um, and that’s something that really pisses me off. You know, I’m really tired
of being in situations where people tell me that I’m closed minded for being a straight
woman who is attracted to men. It’s a very annoying and frustrating thing. Now I will
say this, there was a time where when I was younger and I saw a man do something just
a little feminine and he would instantly kind of turn into a woman in my mind. I’ve, I’ve
gotten past that. I, I don’t think that a man is less of a man because he can perform
these sort of like standard, typical masculine things. Right? I don’t believe that. Right. But, um,
I still do like what I like, you know. Um, it’s interesting because I have dated quite
a few people who are not quite, you know, in terms of their gender expression, typically
masculine. You know, I’m dating somebody right now who I, I probably go on a date like with
every two months. Right. And he uses just kind of, he’s an attractive guy, like I’m
attracted to him, but he is kind of a very, how to say this, like he’s the kind of person
who if he could have sex once, right. He’d have sex once for the week and he’s good.
He’s good. He’s not driven in that kind of way, which in so many ways is nice. You know,
him and I had gone to figure drawing classes together and things like that and he’s a really,
really great guy. Um, but he’s very sort of like soft spoken,
very kind of like he has like a, you know, a hair that goes over his face, long hair
that goes over his face, you know, and is attractive. And when we’ve had sex that it’s
been good sex, you know, or whatever. But he isn’t the kind of guy who he looks at me
and wants to just raw, which is what I’m attracted to. Right. And so, you know, I guess in some
ways I’ve internalized him as being a little feminine, but I am still attracted to him
and I do still date him. I don’t look down on him because he’s not as typically masculine
as my other partners, but I am sort of less inclined to make a date with him, you know?
Um, and that’s just kind of, I guess how it is. You know, I think for me the thing I’m
stuck with is, I mean, I like I, I know I do this a lot, but like for me, when it comes
to this particular conversation, the conversations like it, I really like to cut to the chase. You know, are a lot of things about Matt up
typical masculinity, oppressive? Absolutely. I think that we’re still actively having conversations
about what masculinity even is. Right. I think for me, I would say masculinity is competence
and confidence. Right? But that’s again, not something that people, everybody can do. Everyone
can be. So I guess it’s one of those sort of concepts that the more you try to define
it, the less it makes sense. But I also have a very deep understanding of what that is.
Right. And I’m attracted to it. So for me, when I think about these conversations, you
know, like, let’s digest why you feel that way and dah, dah, dah, dah. I just kind of
want to get to the end of the conversation and ask the question, what do you want to
do? Right? Do you want me to date somebody who I’m not attracted to because me dating
somebody who I’m not attracted to, you would be more woke. Like, is that, is that what you want? Do you
want me to date someone feminine? Because dating someone masculine is oppressive. I
don’t really understand where all this should really go, you know? Um, I don’t think someone’s
better. I mean, listen, there’s a lot to be said though about how women do pressure men
to perform masculinity. You know, we sit here and we talk about how oppressive men can be,
but in so many ways, women do encourage. And reward men who act in very damaging, you know,
ways to validate their masculinity. I think that’s very, very true. But I guess when I
think about the way that these men that I’m dating are exercising their masculinity, their
masculinity doesn’t require the dismissal and disposal of women and LGBT folks. You
know, these are all men who feel very confident and competent and feel very much like it is
their duty in life to, to be protective and in service of other people. Right. And I, and I internalize that as being
very masculine. Right. Um, but I guess it is true to say that there are ways in which
men express masculinity a lot of ways. Mo, you know, that is toxic, right? I, again,
I personally feel that there is masculinity that can exist, but toxic masculinity is a
very specific thing. I don’t want, I don’t want to date a man who has to put down another
woman. I don’t want to date a man who has to put down, you know, an LGBT person or to
feel good about himself. That’s me. I understand how socially we see that as masculine. But
I don’t see it as masculine. I see men who need to do those things as being a little
feminine. I’m not attracted to men who feel the need to put other people down because
it reinforces themselves. I’m not attracted to that. I’m not, to me
that energy is like that sort of typical catty like female energy of like, you know you can’t,
you can’t, you literally couldn’t exist without being really shitty and competitive with other
people. Like it is kind of for me a similar kind of energy. Right? So I’m not attracted
to it and I hate sort of making it seem like I’m always having to fight for and defend
my head or sexuality. But I always feel like I’m doing that. Like I always feel like I’m
doing that. Like I get kinda tired of having these conversations with people where they
kind of make me feel bad because I’m not attracted to feminine dudes like, or women. Like I just,
it is kind of kind of what it is. I’m not, I’m not attracted to that. Why is that such
a bad thing? Why is it so bad that I don’t find femininity
to be attractive on my partners? Right? I do love a guy who is so confident in his masculinity
that he can wear nail Polish. She can, you know, be a little bit of centric and things
like that and it doesn’t contradict his masculinity. I think that’s sexy, sexiest hell. I think
that’s incredibly fucking sexy. Right. Um, but I don’t want to date a guy who isn’t comfortable
being a man and doesn’t like the fact that he’s male. Do you know, I just, I don’t want
to date somebody like that. I just don’t, you know, and I hate how often I made to feel
like I’m closed minded for feeling that way or, or I’m not woke or I haven’t examined
my attractions. You know, like I said, I’m really stuck on where does this conversation
end? Should I date somebody who I’m not attracted
to you because it would make me seem more woke or should I stick to my guns and continue
to date the men who I consider to be typically masculine, you know? Um, like I said, I have
3.5 partners. They’re all kind of that way. It’s not hard for me to find that. I don’t,
it’s not like I don’t attract masculine dudes cause I do. It’s just that oftentimes I’m
seen as more open because I’m transgender. And when I expressed that I’m attracted to
a specific kind of guy, I’m gay. I’m criticized a little bit more than your average this woman
is, because while it’s just understandable that it’s, this wound would want, you know,
the sort of typically masculine dude. Right. And I think that’s really shitty, right? So
like I said, this is a code. This is a very sloppy, messy conversation, but it’s one that
I wanted to have. Um, I, I do understand where people come from,
where, you know, we do and have conversations about what masculinity is. And I do believe
that there are a lot of men who hurt a lot of people in pursuit of masculinity or whatever
that may be for them. Right. At the same time, I’m not going to forfeit what I’m attracted
to because it would make me seem more woke. You know, I’ve done so much of opening my
mind and frankly lowering my standards and not sticking to my guns in my life and it’s
almost never panned out. That’s what I’m stuck with too. I’m stuck with the fact that I are
so frequently and been open minded and lowered my standards and you know, kind of fought
against my initial, you know, lack of traction to a person because well, I don’t want to
be close minded and reject somebody because they may or may not be exactly what I like
or what I’m attracted to. Right. I have done that several times throughout
my life and it’s never panned out. I’m still stuck with the fact that I see these CIS men
in my community who date the same kind of girl. They date the same sort of person and
it’s okay for them to have those standards, but it’s not okay for me to have those standards.
Right. And to be completely honest with you guys, Oh, there’s a whole other conversation.
But I think just because of the way that I’ve been made to feel, there are some patterns
that I have with dating that I think make some, some of the men that I’m attracted to
less attracted to me because I’ve been sort of encouraged to take more of an active, aggressive
role because it’s not okay for these dudes to do that themselves. Now, you know, like
it’s, it’s not, it’s not woke to allow a man to be, you know, uh, an aggressive, competent
and competent competent guy. Like it’s not, I have to be the one who leads
the conversation now. Um, and there are times where I’ve definitely met men who I know that
if I stuck to my sort of nature of just being my own sort of traditional femininity, I would
have probably been able to, you know, attract that guy because I become so used to being
so active. And so, you know, so proactive in my relationships and interactions with
men. It’s turned those people off. And so I think a lot about how I need to sometimes
sort of stick to what my natural status stick to just sort of who I am as opposed to trying
to be so open minded that I S I shoot myself in the foot and I’m no longer attracting the
men that I want to attract. So that’s a whole other conversation. I would love to hear how
you guys feel about this. Is it problematic for people to be attracted
to masculinity? What does masculinity even mean for you? I don’t, I don’t, I feel like
it is, it is a hard thing to quantify. I know that my version of masculinity does not require
the abuse of other people. Right. Um, and so that’s why I can say that I’m attracted
to that. I’m not attracted to, you know, the toxic shit. But yeah. Anyway, if you made
it through this entire video, which you are a trooper, if you dead, you should put this
emoji in the comment section so that I know that you watch this entire video. Um, so yeah,
and if you guys don’t know how to do that, you can just, you know, on your, on your desktop,
just copy other people, copy the other people. Okay. This is one of the few contexts in the
world where it’s okay for you to copy other people. So yeah. Anyway, on that note, I will
see you guys next week. Right now you are looking at two videos. You even watch it.
You would like to continue to set true T on this channel. And in the bottom you can see
two different ways to send me packages and to send me a tip. I love tips. I love packages.
Put them in my box. Oh, it’s disgusting. All right, I’ll talk
to you guys next week. Bye.

About the author


  1. Also, honestly I noticed that too, with masculine gay guys in public or LGBT social spaces. Their masculinity often feels like a contrived and forced performance. Like instead of just being naturally like that, they TRY and WANT to be masculine and manly. And despite all their efforts, end up appearing less masculine than straight guys.

    It's not true for all gay men. It's mostly gay men who either are in closet or want to "act straight" in front of straight people, or those who try hard to be attractive to other gay men by embodying an archetype (and end up not being themselves, not being natural). On the other hand, gay men who are NOT part of gay communities BUT aren't ashamed of their gayness and are at ease with it, don't display this "fake forced masculinity".

    I don't judge people who put on social masks, I understand why (it's because of social norms and pressure), but I personally don't find it attractive.

  2. Being soft spoken and passive could be seen as a person that has nothing to prove and isn't overwhelmed by their feelings…isn t that masculine

  3. In my own life I do try and examine why I'm attracted to the traits I'm attracted to and if I'm maybe being closed minded because of the influences of society etc… But sometimes the answer is just that it's hot and idk why? And I don't really want to be told, after I've done that thinking, that I'm still fundementally wrong for having that attraction in the first place.

  4. 🧔 I'm naturally attracted to masculinity in general. I low key LOVE arrogance too (not just confidence). I also love hearing masculine men moan but that's more of the NSFW variety lol

  5. Is it ever hard to tell if you're really into one of your partners, or if you don't like them that much, but it's masked because you're spending time with your other partners? (Not getting as much time to be annoyed)

  6. Thank you for talking about the fact that women are often shamed for their standards and sort of guilt tripped into accepting guys we are not into because it’s the “noble” or right thing to do. I will always work on unpacking why I am attracted to certain types of men and whatever problematic or patriarchal notions MAY lie underneath those attractions, but I will never force myself to be with a guy i am not attracted to just because he is into me and is a “nice” guy who people think I should give a chance to. I have tried in the past to be with men whom I wasn’t really into because I told myself it would be shallow to reject them. I was miserable and so were they because they could sense that my attraction was lacking. I’m not doing that anymore. My dating life isn’t a pity party or a charity. I only choose men I am attracted to, period.

  7. I think that it's always important to recognize where our preferences come from. I understand why you get very annoyed when people drill you with questions about why you like x instead of y or why you don't date certain kinds of men–it is very annoying. However, I believe that, though annoying, it is necessary to evaluate these questions. I know this isn't your situation, but for a long time, I wasn't interested in dating black people (even though I, myself am black). I just brushed this off as a preference for a long time, until one day I realized (after people asking me why I'm only attracted to white people): I'm not interested in black people because I don't feel comfortable with my own blackness. I spent the next months to a year forcing myself to become comfortable with my blackness and others' blackness (I live in a predominantly white community, so I had to actively seek out black creators and intellectuals) and by the end of it, not only did I feel comfortable in my blackness (I even went natural and everything), I realized that I found other black people attractive. Having people press me on why I found non-black people so attractive led to me uncovering my deep-rooted internalized racism before it got worse and became damaging.

    I know that it is annoying to have people ask you these questions as though you have some kind of internalized prejudice, but I think that–like a lot of things–it is important to be asked those questions, even if it is extremely annoying. We always ask others to check their preferences, so it is important that we check our own. * Insert man emoji here *

  8. Those people should read more research from the biological perspective, not everything is just a learned social construct. Men are taller because of testosterone, if he has been ill or has something wrong with that he will most likely not be tall and it directly affects his reproduction. Obviously this carried on being a feature our lizard brain is looking for. A bigger than us guy. I'm very short for a dutch woman so all guys are pretty much taller than me but looking at a guy who is a lot shorter than the other guys is still somewhat less attractive.

    I like testosterone features because I'm a straight woman, my brain is programmed to look for that. It will not be exactly what all other straight women are looking for but we share many things. There is no need to be attracted to everyone.

  9. 🧔 Love your video as always! Masculinity is a social construct after all. It is subjective based on one's experience and beliefs: no one should try to impose their definition onto you.

  10. Guys I just want to say I have a crush on one of the worst human beings…. Teddy Rosevelt. I love the idea of men called the Rough Riders and a man who conquers the badlands. Idk I have always felt guilty that my attraction promotes some garbage ideologies. Idk I need help… bad.

  11. 🧔🧔🧔 Honestly, it's just transphobic rhetoric. The idea that you have to be any sort of orientation based on your gender is trash, and we call that out with cis folks, but we can't do the same for trans folks? ☕👀 Hmm. Odd.

    On another note, I think it's interesting you consider controlling competitiveness as catty and feminine. Not coming for you for that, but I do think though that your thoughts on that are pretty unique. I think most people consider that pretty traditional masculine competitive nature. Arguably, I think that's considered a component of toxic masculinity. Just curious about some more thoughts on that if you get around to it.

  12. Well, there's Dragon Age. Though that involves giving money to EA, you CAN romance bi-elves in some of these games. And Dwarves. And one Qunari, in Inquisition, with a big sword.

  13. Describing men's varying gender expression as misleading and a betrayal to you is WEIRD. I know you're just trying to say it as it is but could you please try not to perpetuate prejudice and pressures of conformity?
    You may be a thousand times more woke than everyone here but that doesn't mean you can't unintentionally make the oppression and self hatred in us stronger. I know you know this already, sorry, I'll go do something artsy now. And eat noodles.✨🎻🍜

  14. I feel like I have trouble fully understanding masculinity and femininity without using the stereotypical traits of what men and women have been known as in the past. Like is my femininity connected to my appearance and my clothes or is it more of a personality thing? It's so confusing imo. Maybe I should think of these words as abstract ideas that everyone has a different pov on like love and happiness. idk if this makes sense

  15. This is something I've wrestled with myself. I don't date men now but, for want of a better way to express it, masculine men are my kink. I have been down all the squirrelly holes in my brain assessing if that's ok and why it is and what it means and all the rest because what if it means I'm not really a feminist? What if I'm encouraging/enabling toxic masculinity? What if I am single-handedly destroying all that women have fought for?

    Personally, because of my specific kinks, I do find myself drawn to the toxic side of toxic masculinity. That said, turns out there are plenty of awesome, feminist, respectful, smart, smash-the-patriarchy men who also are down for things that do not reflect that in a kinky setting!

    🧔To me masculinity isn't, in itself, bad/evil/etc. I think the issue is what is conflated with masculinity and how the terms are used and enforced. That's, for me, where the issue lies. It's very difficult to talk about masculinity or masculine traits without people adding their own experiences and ideas of that onto it. Women can have masculine traits and still be women. Men can have feminine traits and still be men. The traits and concepts labeled masculine/feminine are just based on what is generally found in those groups but because we have so much societal bullshit around the labels and the traits now, I wonder if we really need entirely new words which don't have that baggage.

  16. Frankly, I think that it's transphobic to think that because someone is transgender they need to be more "open" to dating people they aren't necessarily attracted to. It's like saying "beggars can't be choosers" as though for some reason a transgender person would have to beg for the affection of others

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